In Search of Morning Sickness

HUNBABA Mei Tai Baby Carrier Guest Giveawayy

2010-06-12T22:59:00.000-04:00

HUNBABA Mei Tai Baby Carrier Guest Giveawayy

Interesting Stuff & Products I Recommend

2009-06-23T14:53:00.003-04:00

So, want to know what kind of a treat I learned my 5-month loves??? Breast-milk popcicles. She's been acting like her gums need lots of touch/cold/pressure for a while now. And I've been excitingly awaiting her 6-month mark on July 19th so I can introduce foods. So I broke out her Kidco BabySteps Healthy Snack Feeder and Beaba Babycook to clean and find a place for in the kitchen. And then I remembered reading about being able to freeze breastmilk in the little freezer-tray. So on a whim, since I have started pumping every day now, I tried it. And she loved them!!! It was like a teething ring and nursing all in one fun toy for her! As an added bonus, since we sit her in her highchair at dinner time with us, I feel like she can participate as well, rather than just play with toys. Really fun for us!

Secondly, I read this today in an article, "Need yet one more reason to yuk it up (i.e. laugh, be merry, joke) in the first year (of baby's life)? It seems good-humored moms have elevated levels of melatonin in their breast milk, so their baby sleeps more soundly." While I didn't go trace down the source of that, I think it is cool if it's true.

We are all doing incredibly well here. J got back from his 78 day deployment in early June, thank goodness! Being away from him was and continues to be really hard, emotionally. Physically, with a 2-month-old baby, it was very hard those first two weeks. Then we settled into a routine and it actually got really good in terms of predictability, sleep scheduling, and knowing how our days would go. For example, I worked out every, every single night he was gone, with the exception of about 1 every two weeks. Now? I find it hard to at all, because I am too lazy to wake up early, and too unmotivated at night to be apart from him to workout. That will have to change, I must learn self-discipline again, while managine dinner, laundry, and time with him. So though it's harder in that respect, I would SO rather him home and me just learn to be a more desciplined person. I think that's something I'll be doing my whole life.

This is me, finally updating.

2009-04-24T13:33:00.005-04:00

Yeah, I am one of those bloggers. Have my baby and disappear from the bloggie world. There are a lot of reasons for this.... Let me list them, in order of importance.

1. I remember how painful it was to read about the joys and trials of mommyhood when all I wanted was to be pregnant and have my own child, and yet I never knew if I'd get to experience that. I would still read some of you guys' pregnancy/baby posts, but never comment. I know, sounds selfish. Self-preservation is what I call it. And some of you may do that too. I wouldn't blame you. But the idea of my going on and on about something that you may click on for amusement and then just leave hurting in the end for the longing of what you may not have.... Well, I just didn't want to do that.

2. I have had probably the most amazingly easy babies ever. She has never had any colic, health issues, tantrums, you name it. She is just happy, alert, a great nurser, great scheduler, great sleeper, and just perfect. My little buddy, I call her. And some of you going through IF and then having babies, who may read my blog, may feel pain with my success at having a good baby. So I didn't want to cause hurt there either. (On a side note, no, she's not sleeping through the night!!!! I haven't wanted her to. I love my nighttime nursing sessions. She goes 3 hrs during the day between feedings, and 4-6 at night. I nurse at 12/1am and 5/6am. I'd love to drop the 5/6am one. But I want to keep my supply nice and full, and I also treasure out nighttime cuddles and how drowsily she nurses. So don't measure my success as a parent by something I don't care about.)

3. Working 20 hours a week (with a desire to put in 30 hours a week), with a deployed husband, and a baby all to myself, working out my post-baby body daily (yay for Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred and my stepper), a Bible study, church small group, and various friend get-togethers mid-week, and well there isn't much blogging time!

There you have it. And yet I feel like now I should at least post an update. Maybe I'll be better at this, maybe not. I am still subscribed to about 50 IF bloggers (and former IFers); I just don't comment anymore. Largely because I am too lazy to switch my usename back and forth between my personal google account and my IF one. How about some of you comment and tell me if you'd like to still read. I won't be offended if I don't get comments. Some things are just part of seasons of our lives... I'd resume this when we want to try IVF again, of course, maybe in 2010.

So, honestly this is how I feel about motherhood: If anyone had told me how utterly amazing and fun and wonderful it is, and I'd truly understood, I would have had an ever harder time waiting to be a momma. Motherhood fits me like a glove. I love every single minute of it. Really. Nursing has got to hands down be one of my very favorite, close, bonding, wonderful experiences. It took a while for me to truly adore it. The first few weeks I loved it, but with her nursing every two hours for an hour at a time, I had only about 45 minutes to do any task! So it was exhausting, even though rewarding. But Baby Girl is now on a 3-hour schedule, where she will Wake, Eat, Play for 1.5 hours, and then Nap for 1.5 hours. Repeat. All day. It suits us beautifully.

She went from taking an hour to eat, to 45 minutes, to 20 at around 9 weeks! I kept worrying she wasn't getting enough, because I guess I expected her to gradually get fast at eating. But I'd pump one side while she nursed, and I'd get 4oz every time in 10 minutes. So I knew she was getting around 6-8 oz if she ate at the rate I pumped. Plenty of good wet diapers and good skin elasticity as well, and weight gain, so again, proof she was well-fed!

I continually read about her development at what it should be, and what's coming up. She is always right on or slightly ahead. She loves being read to, and we go through all of her short books every day pretty much! I lie on the ground next to her, and hold it above my head so she can see the pictures. She loves this! She loves toys that dangle and shake and have bright reds and yellows. She does well for short periods of quiet time where I set her in a chair or swing just to watch me work in the kitchen or take a shower. In fact, every morning I wait to get my shower until she's up, so she gets 10-15 minutes of quiet time learning to sit and play by herself. Daily showers are not something I've ever missed since she was born, and I'm not ready to either! I have made it a priority.

She is however, very spoiled with all my attention. If I have someone over or have to put her in the car to drive to Atlanta, she will fuss and cry eventually because she is not getting face-to-face time with me. I have to be making eye contact with her. It's not good enough for her just to see me. I have to interact with her. Yes, I've created a firstborn with needs for my attention, but I love to lavish it on her, I don't know when she will have a sibling (whether via IVF or adoption), and so I'm willing to lavish lots of love and playtime on her. In fact, if she's awake, I try not to do much else, unless again I'm intentionally giving her the "quiet play time." I want her to learn that.

When she was firstborn, we pretty quickly implemented the 5 S's from Happiest Baby on the Block. They fit her to a T! She loves any kind of white noise (and now music, in the car, she loves), she adores being swaddled (I adore it too, so cute!), she likes the paci at times (it's a lifesaver when I've got 5 minutes to checkout at the grocery, but she's done. it'll buy me a little time!). I read in that book about the chart with how much newborn to 12 week old babies cry... Usually it was at least an hour a day. I felt shamelessly blessed, since she cried and still cries about 2-3 minutes a day. Less than 10 definitely. 10 if we've got a nap in the car or carseat if I was out running errands. Amazing.

I love carrying her in my whole-cloth wrap the best when I'm out at Wal-Mart or whatnot - she enjoys it so much as well! And my sling, if she's sleeping. She not as into that one now that she's bigger.

What else? Well, that's enough for now. Lots for you guys to read. And of course, here is the little princess!

Announcing Baby Girl!

2009-02-01T16:36:00.006-05:00

As you probably guess by now... our beautiful baby daughter, Elyana, came into the world on Monday, January 19th at 4:05pm. It was after 35 hours of labor, but naturally (i.e. unmedicated), as I wanted!!! She weighed 7lb 13oz, 20 and 3/4 inches long!!!

My husband was amazing - I would not have continued on natural childbirth without his encouragement and clear-headedness at all the times I needed it! Here's a bit of a synopsis of her birth story.

My labor contractions started by waking me 5:30am on Sunday morning. I labored at home until about 8:30pm, when we headed to the hospital. There was never a "this is it" moment, or a surety we weren't going too early. But went we did. I was 4-5cm dialated, but with contractions 60-70 seconds long and ~3 minutes apart, so we did what we thought best. In retrospect it made the night very long and uncomfortable for J (at least at home he could have really slept in his own bed for a few hours!). I did not need heavy coaching during all that time, although he was coaching and helping me from the very beginning.

I was a classic "putterer" case, in Bradley-speak (I realized that myself, by Monday morning when I was only a 6-7cm dialated, and even told J that). My midwife had taken the weekend off entirely, and turned her cell phone off (I knew ahead of time she was doing it, but never really figured I'd go early). As it was, it did not matter because J was entirely what I needed. We had awesome nurses that were so so wonderful (another God-send), but they pretty much left us to labor ourselves as J had it well in control. By 12 I had the urge to push, and 12:50 started after the doctor came by and checked the baby and me (at this point, I let them break my water, since we thought it could hurry things up and I was tired of being in labor at this point). Let's just say after an hour and a half, the baby had moved further back! And the doctor started giving us a lecture on trying pitocin, possibly an epidural, and the moving to a c-section if those failed. He was ready to go and called me "failure to progress" (seroiously, after only 1 1/2 hours). J and I knew we should continue, as the baby had been doing awesome on the fetal monitor with every contraction. Let's just say, an hour and a half later, Elyana came into the world! Another doctor delieverd (which I was glad for) and it was amazing!

We are so so overwhelmed with this little girl. She is precious and so good and is just beautiful. She has stolen our hearts. Being a mommy is the most wonderful thing, I am loving it so much and treasuring every moment with her, even the sleepless nights. It is amazing how a child like this can erase the intense pain of the last three years. We stand in awe at what a precious gift she is.

Here are a few beautiful pictures.

No Baby Yet...

2009-01-14T08:53:00.004-05:00

So, I'm 39 weeks today. No sign of when Baby Girl will make her grand entrance into the world. On Friday, I started having contractions. They were very different than Braxton Hicks! I'd always read that BH weren't painful, and I found that to be untrue. However, in light of hours of real contractions, I quickly realized the difference. BH are very uncomfortable and there is a lot of pressure, but it's not painful. Not truly anyway. Real contractions are obvious when they start (whereas my BH sort of dawns on me). Also, you have to concentrate or breathe or stop through a real contraction. BH you just sort of wait for the annoying sensation to go away. Anyway, I monitored them by writing the duration and length apart that they were for about 2 hours. They came between 4-7 minutes apart, and lasted from 25-35 seconds. I would have to concentrate through them, but could talk sometimes and I'd smile when they were done. If any of you have read the Bradley book on labor, you'll notice all these signs indicate I was still only in stage #1 of the emotional roadmap of labor (the 3 stages of labor are: Excitement, Seriousness, and Self-Doubt). At the time I didn't know where it was all leading, but by 11pm (they started near 11am) I went to bed, knowing I needed a good night's sleep anyway. By the next morning they were tapering off. I got out the Bradley book and re-read the chapter on labor out loud to my husband and it helped us immensely. We were able to identify where I was and where I never got. It should make next time much easier with this fresh in our minds after the real thing. I don't call this false labor, it's basically my body readying itself to get the baby out, but taking its time.

The good thing about all that too was that we finally got serious about really being ready! My bag and the baby's are all packed now, the car seat is ready to go, her clothes are all washed and ready to wear, we have newborn diapers at last (I had tons of size 1's from showers, but no newborn ones), and the room is ready (it's devoid of decorations on the wall, but everything functional is there)!

My appointment yesterday wasn't that great. I had a +3 protein level in my urine, but minimal swelling and my BP is its steady 100/60. So pre-eclampsia is something they're watching for (asking me to watch carefully for blurry vision, swelling of face/hands, headaches) and to monitor my BP over the next few days. I also went from measuring 36cm at 38 weeks to 35cm at 39 weeks. Not good. I'm always 2cm behind, but the baby's always been spot-on for gestational age. So they ordered an ultrasound for this Friday to check the baby's growth and amniotic fluid level. At first I freaked out and cried and worried (once I was in the privacy of my car), but now I'm just going to pray and not worry. The fact that they didn't make me do it right then and there shows me it can't be that urgent. (Right?) I know I'm small and maybe the baby just dropped more. She was at a minus 1 station last week.

Anyway, assuming I make it to Friday, I'll hopefully have some good news on the baby. At this point, I'd rather meet her in person than get an ultrasound. :)

Warning!!! Baby Girl Pictures

2008-12-15T17:37:00.005-05:00

Today I just feel like making a happy post... I got 3-D pictures of baby girl about 2 weeks ago and I finally am uploading them to share. She is just beautiful. I can swear I see my husband's nose on her (I hope so, he's had nightmares that the sperm got mixed up at WH and this wasn't his baby!!!). I think she smiled at us in one of the pictures. I have been utterly pleased with my doctor's ultrasound equiptment. I don't think I've yet witnessed anyone who gets pictures at the same weeks as I do who has better quality. Which is surprising considering what a smallish town I live in.

We are planning on traveling back to NC (an 8 hour car trip) for the week between Christmas and New Year's. I don't know that the midwife will like it, and frankly it really unnerves me, thinking that at that point, I could go into labor, be 36 weeks, and be considered full-term. I don't want to have the baby without a midwife, without anyone I'm familiar with. But I guess I have to weigh the risks and stakes and be ok with going. Which I guess I am. Hmmm.

I doubt the baby is permanently head-down yet. They said she was at 33 weeks, but I know she's not "engaged" yet because I know what that feels like, when she's really settled in. I am not afraid of labor, but I do feel it's a huge, huge unknown that I'm really unprepared for, even as much as I read or practice.

I have had two baby showers now and felt utterly humbled and grateful and unworthy. I cried at each one, but made a special point to explain that I valued everyone's support, love and prayers that got us to this point, and I rather felt they should be the ones receiving the presents for going through "the trenches" with us. I am grateful for all the help with getting stuff though, because babies take a lot of stuff apparently!

So for now, I'll close with this, and some pictures that make my heart ache with happiness. I'm thinking of you all as another holiday approaches, especially those of you facing another milestone without the dear child you're so lonigng for. May this be your very last.

I'm not dead, just a bad blogger...

2008-11-21T08:22:00.004-05:00

So I bet you all have wondered what planet I fell off of.... Believe me, I have been incredibly busy. But this blogging as the pregnancy progresses contains a huge amount of guilt for me. I guess because I had such a hard time reading about most others successes, that I know were I in the shoes of some of you (waiting to cycle, after a failed cycle, lost babies, bad cycles, taking a break, TTC naturally for a while), reading a blog like mine would just hurt. And all our you have helped me so much, and been such a support, that the last thing I desire is to cause someone pain by visiting here.

But I am living "the dream." This is what we're all praying, hoping, dreaming, striving for, is it not? We all desire a pregnancy with a live baby at the end of it first of all. Sometimes that door closes, and we pursue other options. But I guess I want to be honest, and my living truth is that the pain and money and time and negative after negative are so worth it, when you're this close.

I am just now 8 months pregnant (31 weeks). This Baby Girl kicks and moves and hiccups and plays games with her Daddy. He will poke at her, and she will kick back. It's very intentional, when she chooses to play that game. My husband has only been home a little over 2 weeks from our 71 day deployment, and I have been in heaven with him here again!!! The very first night back, Baby Girl very obligingly moved underneath his hands and he was enamored with her. He loved my new pregnant shape, and was amazed at how active this baby is. When he left, she was so tiny only I got to feel her little "flutters". Seeing his heart melt at her just now, makes me that much more eager for her to come in person and me to be able to watch him with his long-desired and much-loved daughter.

The pregnancy goes well most days. Occasionally I have a day with tons of Braxton Hicks and round ligament pain, and it is annoying if it coincides with a planned outing or shopping trip. But I would put up with so much more. Plus, all things considered, I've had so few problems this pregnancy, and I've mostly just had regular expected symptoms. Pregnancy you don't always feel beautiful and glowing and wonderful, but feeling the baby move makes all that fade. I love pregnancy for that one reason only. It's this special connection only I share with her right now.

Getting this far has done something to my mind, though. I no longer distrust my body. For the first 28 weeks, every pain and ache I was sure was a foreshadowing of something terrible, and threatening to the baby. Then finally, around week 28/29, I realized I trusted my body. I did not think it was going to betray me or the baby, and that it would keep nourishing her like it should, and it would work like it should to bring her out at her time. It was odd, after 3 years of feeling like my body could only fail me, to suddenly not distrust it.

And yet, around that time-frame, I was sitting on the couch, and I got a pain that was so reminiscent of a period cramping. And with that simple pain, that I haven't had since March (before I started BCPs for IVF #2), all the feelings of what a those cramps signify came in on me and for a minute I felt angry, hurt, bitter, sad, failure, and dispair. That feeling brought on the wave of emotions you get after TTC so long and getting repeated failure. Yet there I was, with Baby Girl safe inside me, free to realize those feelings did not relate to today, but were stored up from the past. But it made me wonder what kind of life lies ahead, when my body starts to cycle again.

I don't know. I can't figure that out. I let my mind wander occasionally to what may happen, or what or when we'd choose to try with our two frozen embryos. I can't even begin to figure that out, and I shouldn't, but I am aware, in the back of my mind, that trying again, even with a precious baby girl in my life, will probalby still involve emotional pain, tempered with the beautiful joy of knowing we have succeeded once. We have gotten what we prayed for. And for that, we will always always give thanks and remain humbly grateful for what we never though we'd get.

Infertility has changed me forever. Miscarriage changed me forever. Those scars are still there, and always will be, through they aren't as tender as they once were. Having a live baby will change me forever. I can't be as hurt and negative as I once was. I can only pray for all of you, that in your lives, whether you're pursuing ART, natural TTC, adoption, surrogacy, donor embryos, or peace with your life as a couple right now, I pray your lives would be blessed with a child, in the future, and that the waiting time, when it's over, would hold no more power over you for sadness.

2 Weeks Down, 8 To Go

2008-09-08T09:25:00.003-04:00

Thank you guys so much for the support about my husband being gone, and for the kind words of thanks for what he does. Thank you also for the excitement over Baby Girl.

J and I were just never made for separations. We don't do them well at all. When we are together, and he's home from work, we just rarely spend time apart. Even if we're doing separate things (maybe he's reading a magazine and I'm writing a letter), he wants me in the same room, on the same couch preferrably. Long ago in the first months of our marriage I abandoned what I thought was a good use of my time: getting laundry folded while he watched tv. While I do that occasionally, I try to keep it short, because he would much rather me be snuggled right next to him that getting something done. And my mom always taught us the importance of putting our husbands first, over our own priorities. When we go to bed at night, we always curl up with just about every inch touching the other person. And as we shift positions at night, if we end up away from each other, we at least leave our feet touching the other's or with our hands held together. We hate not to have physical contact!!! Ever since being married, ever single morning we've showered together when possible. We eat all dinners at the table together, most breakfasts, and occasionally lunches if he happens to be home. He may only have a 6 hour day to work, but sometimes he'll text me to meet him for lunch just so we don't have to be separated that long....

Are you getting the picture? We're still crazy love-birds just as if we were newly in love. It's the companionship, the friendship, the sharing every part of life together. I could care less if his being gone means I have to do the yard (ok, J hired someone this time but I have in the past) or finanaces or change my own flat (so fine, someone helped me there on Friday). I am very capable and not at all intimidated. But it's being without this man who is my best friend and life partner in everything. That's why I email ever day, I send a personal letter every day, and when we can webcam, we will do it as many hours as his schedule allow. We got 4 hours on Sunday (usually we get 2 every other day)!!! Ah what bliss... Top that off with a last-minute win in the Panthers vs Chargers game, and it was a pretty swell day.

I went to see my soon-to-be brother-in-law graduate from Army basic training on Friday in Ft Benning, 2 hrs from where I live. I got the flat on the way home. I was quite prepared to change it, J having shown me twice how do to that. But help came along so I just watched. :)

I hate every piece of clothing currently, except long pretty dresses. I hate that someone thought the Bella Band was a good idea. I am just now getting uncomfy in my regular pants/skirts, and it feels much better to leave the top buttons unbuttoned. Yet the stupid BB doens't do squat in leaving you a nice smooth profile like I want. Sure, it keeps your pants up, but your options are then limited to very full babydoll shirts to cover the ugly waistline. I want the pretty smooth belly, people! Bleh. I just don't fit maternity wear yet. Suggestions???

You're all the BEST!

What We're Having....?!?!

2008-08-27T15:00:00.002-04:00

That's right.... today at 18w2d, we found out we will (Lord willing) be welcoming a beautiful little girl into our lives in January. A girl!!! We are so happy, so grateful, so amazed. I feel like it's something of a dream - can this all be a reality someday? It was so beautiful to see her on screen, moving about, cooperating perfectly. We got this scheduled just 4 days before J was deploying, and then afterward picked up a crib we'd found at Baby Depot for a great deal the other day on the way home that we've now put together - our first baby purchase!

It was weird. Neither of us really had a "feeling" but we kept referring to the baby as a "he". I guess because my husband thinks boys should come first. :) He's firstborn in his family, my older sister is our firstborn so I naturally thought girl were pretty good too! So while I really wanted to give him a son, we are so thrilled to be welcoming a daughter!

I am all done with morning sickness (whoo-hoo), and the nausea just comes and goes every now and then. I can eat whatever I want that I did not develop an aversion to. At my 16 week appointment they told me my hemoglobin had gotten worse (from a 10.4 at 11 weeks to 9.3 at 16 weeks). They told me to really try hard to research and eat iron rich foods (I'd been on an iron Rx since 11 weeks). I hadn't felt any symptoms of anemia, but then at 18 weeks it just hit. Rolling over on the couch at night seemed like too much effort. Unfortunately, decreased appetite is a side-effect of anemia, so it doesn't help when you Really need to eat and just don't have any interest. But J and I researched it out, and went to the store and he spared no expense putting things into the cart that were iron rich. Lots of red meat, lots of dark green leafy veggies, lots of o.j. and citrus to help the iron absorbtion, and lots of cereal fortified with 100% RDA of iron. In just 10 days of this my iron was at 10.2! It took longer for me to really feel strong, but I am now! So I've got to keep it up, along with the liquid chlorophyll I've been drinking. I was ready to ask for the injectable iron the doctor spoke of, but it looks like I might not need it (yet). Anything to stay healthy!

I have steadily gained 2lb every 4 weeks since my initial 7wk appointment, which puts me at a 6 lb weight gain so far. I am showing, but just not a lot (picture in next post, perhaps). When I mention I'm expecting, everyone looks so shocked at how "far" I am (to them). It's all new to me, but I feel healthy so I feel good! For now, I'm going to just post pictures of little girl!

And to close off, please stick around because as of yesterday at 2:30pm, my precious husband and I are separated for another agonizing 70 days... He has deployed to the middle east once more. We were so distraughtand devastated... Those last 24 hours were hard, were precious, and were just heartwrenching. I love him SOOOOOOO desperately, I don't know how I'll een survive to the halfway point without him. We HATE this.... It is rough! So please.... stick around because there'll be a lot of deployment stuff to post about and I need all the support I can get....

Camping! (No "P"-related stuff)

2008-07-28T08:57:00.003-04:00

Well, here's a fun story not revolving around the pregnancy.

My husband and I, we love outdoor adventure. We love to boat, hike, camp, SCUBA dive, fish, hunt, and so on. We love out-of-the-way places. For instance, we honeymooned on a small island(2000 acre) in the north-west coast of Scotland. Automobiles weren't even allowed on the island. We were in a secluded cottage and spend hours exploring and hiking the island, rowing to the ruinous castle nearby (and breaking in) out in the wild just loving the beauty of nature there. We also spend our one-year anniversary scratching the itch for a beach-vacation. But where did we choose? Why, the little island of Grenada of course! Very little tourism there (by Americans, more by Eurpean, though still not a lot), but an island with some beautifuly secluded beaches and a gorgeous and small "nature center" we stayed at (more like a resort, but you were left to do as you pleased and it only had about 12 rooms, so very intimate). Our idea of a great vacation always involves doing things that are a bit rustic or uncommon - possibly involving hiking through places others wouldn't venture, just for that "perfect" sunset view or to explore some intriguing spot.

So, this weekend we were to go to Savannah, just for Friday/Saturday. We were meeting up with J's brothers so they could deep-sea fish all Saturday while I enjoyed the beach and a good book! (I love to fish with him, but as our last trip I was over the side throwing-up the entire time, and cut short the fishing part by a few hours, it was deemed best by all that I not accompany them.) :) Ah, but guess where we stayed Friday night? Camping, primitave camping, in the Georgia heat (so like, 90 degrees and 80% humidity at night!). Just tents, sleeping bags, and a spiket of water not too far. It actually was pretty fun. Not comfortable, but fun nonetheless. As we lay in our tents that night, I couldn't keep myself from laughing out loud for a while, because the uncomfortable-ness of the situation. Who camps in that heat??? (Oh yeah, those wanting to spend only $6 on lodging at the beach, right!) And believe me, by the next morning, Starbucks Iced Chai in hand, as I sat on the beach at 8:30 with my book, I pretty much felt, "This is the Life!" Nevermind the 10+ mosquito bites I'd gotten breaking down camp that morning. It was well worth it!

So that, my friends, was my weekend. Pretty glorious. Now just a week until we go to a real vacation-house in Florida for 8 days on our pre-deployment get-away. Hard to look forward to, because it's the Beginning of the End. But I won't let that spoil the time, we will savor every minute.

Into the 2nd Trimester (Me?)

2008-07-14T14:38:00.003-04:00

This is such a huge, huge milestone to me.

I have somehow managed to make it into my 2nd trimester.

It is so hard to believe I am here. 10 weeks to viability. I made it past the scary and miscarriage-laden first trimester. I did not expect that, I hardly dared hope. I just prayed every single day. I fearfully stopped at every pain to wonder if it was a cramp or just a regular, expected pain. I still check for blood, but I find that it's not every single time I use the bathroom (that would be, once an hour now, which would be tedious at best).

And making it to the 2nd trimester has been such a boost to my heart. I am very attached to this beautiful child inside me. Every single day when I get my doppler out (I miss about one day a week), I am so in wonder at finding that heart beating away. I know I have nothing to do with that. I didn't cause our first child's miscarriage, and neither am I the one keeping this child alive. It's out of my hands. It's something I don't earn the right to, it just happens. And that leaves me grateful for every single day. I call it grace, because that by definition is unmerited.

I haven't had a lot to say. Well, I guess I have, but like every other blogger with a BFP, I just don't want to use this as a place to drone on and on about symptoms or to gush about how happy this makes us. While that's fair I can do that, I don't think this is the place. I know I appreciated reading others' stories as they went on with their BFPs but we all know it's painful too. I wish I had something else to write about. :/

I did have my 13 week NT test. I showed up for the appointment 10 minutes early, only to be called to the desk 20 minutes later as the receptionist asked for my insurance referral. My ob's office (who sends you to a perinatologists office for this test) had totally dropped the ball! And if you undertsand military insurance, they like to take days to get a referral through. I insisted I was in the office for my appointment now, leaving for out of town for 5 days, and when I returned I'd be 14 weeks and too late (all true). I felt bad for the military office since it was totally the ob's fault, but then again how hard is it to get someone to not procrastinate to do their job? So I got it all settled and had my appointment a few hours late. The peri's office was super nice about that. That, along with the triple-screen, set my odds for Trisomy 18 and 13 and Downs at 1:10,000. I'm happy to get that good news. I was almost not wanting to call, just not ready for any possible risk factor or bad news to have to deal with.

Nothing else of interest. I have a 16 week appointment and a 20 week one. The anatomy scan is at 20 weeks. Unfortunately, my husband deploys again right around 19 weeks (or a few days prior). He SO loved the 13 week ultrasound, I wish he could be there for the 20 week one (16wk is nothing but an appointment). We had seen the baby looking like a real child on the screen, hiccupping, sucking its shumb, wiggling all 5 fingers. It was so precious. I guess I can request a video, maybe? All that I can talk about at the 16 week. I hate thinking I'll find out the baby's gender without him... If I do, I want a clever and memorable way to tell him. I've already decided it won't be through email, has to be phone so I can hear his reaction live!

Anyway, he'll be gone through early November, 70 days once again. I feel like we just went through this. It breaks my heart to think of him gone again. He's really my best friend and we share so much of our lives together, I am just not ready! So with that sad note, I'll end this and go curl up in his lap for the evening.

11 Weeks!

2008-07-03T09:22:00.004-04:00

So, yesterday I turned 11 weeks and had my appointment. All in all it was fast (45 minutes at most) as opposed to the first appointment that took 2 hours! After all the initial tests they run, the doctor walked in and took the doppler out to hear the heartbeat. Side Note: My midwife is on vacation, and I am required to have appointments with the two OBs on staff, in case they end up delivering the baby due to complications. Anyway, he's real nice & a father of 8 himself (just like my dad!). He found the heartbeat in less than a minute. It sounds just like they say it should - kinda like a train! I was so relieved. I was a bit bummed it didn't display a read of the heartrate. :( My iron was a little low at 7 weeks (11.4) so he perscribed me some to start taking. All the foods it interacts with and how it's best taken on a fasting somach is a bit overwhelming - I don't know quite when I'll be able to ideally take it. Anyway, nothing else of note.

So when I got home, I decided to take my doppler out (which I've not used in a week) and see if I could hear the heartbeat, since I watched where the doc found it. Sure enough, within a minute, I'd found my own little one's heartbeat! It was glorious and astonishing to hear. I was so touched, I started crying. Not a happy, gentle cry. A cry like something was wrong. Though it wasn't; I just felt so emotional over knowing my baby was still alive and I could now actually hear its little heart beating away on my own. I guess it was the first time in private I could experience the emotions. It was so wonderful!

I tried again this morning, and got it almost instantly. I only intend on using it every few days if I can contain myself. :) It's just a great way to start the day, hearting that little one whose making me so sick!

My husband continues to serve me every single day. Makes breakfast if he can, makes dinner. Tries to think of enticing options to eat if we're out. He's amazing, because he never complains, and serves so wonderfully. I hope to be rid of the nausea soon, though, and get back to making my own meals. Until then, I think we've used the grill every single night so I don't have to smell foods in the house! My big aversions are chicken and seafood (gross)! I prefer cold food to hot, always, since there are less smells on cold food.

I'm getting the nuchal translucency test within the next 2 weeks, and not seeing the midwife until 16 weeks. They said I was off their typical schedule (8, 12, 16 wk), so if I could wait 5 weeks to the next appt, they'd like it. But they said if I got to worry I could always come in for a quick scan. They never make it sound like a hassle on them, which I appreciate. I haven't had a reason to worry so far (just mental ones), but I'd go in a heratbeat if I had cramps or anything of the kind. Maybe it's good they're 30 minutes away, just so I don't abuse that. :) I should be able to handle the 5 weeks wait, b/c there's an ultrasound for the NT test, which then makes my wait only 3 weeks from that. Plus, I have my doppler now.

Now with all this happy news, I do want to say one thing. Nobody tells you that in pregnancy you can be miserable (physically) all the time. Seriously. It's either nausea, or pressure to go to the bathroom every other hour (without ever feeling fully relieved), or tremendous gas pains, or headaches, or you name it. Seriously, everyone talks about the "glow" and the good stuff. And it's totally worth it, but I wasn't prepared to just feel icky and be in pain so much of every day. This is my FWIW to all you ladies in your early weeks. But as I said, I'd never trade this for anything.

10 weeks now

2008-06-25T16:29:00.002-04:00

Well, I made it to 10 weeks today. So hard to believe. Yes, I've had a hard time believing that it's been 3 weeks since my last appointment and I had proof that the baby is still alive and kicking. Just one more week to go! I actually have decided to not worry all the time, and believe and pray and hope everything is fine.

The funny thing is how I ushered in the 10th week... With a lovely vomiting session this morning. The apple and tums really sat wrong with me. Although I didn't like it, I was secretly kind of glad to have had real morning sickness (no boats needed). This has been my worst day in terms of not being able to be vertical or walking around for very long. Unfortunately, my cat's completely out of food, so I absolutely have to go to the grocery later tonight. I think I can, just not right now.

I did buy a doppler, but it's not a great quality one, so I'm never 100% sure what I'm hearing (my heartbeat or the baby's). I have only tried 3 times with it, and I'm just going to wait until the doctor tries next week with their doppler. Then I'll know exactly what it sounds like.

Yes, I still am tempted to worry a lot about how this is going or will turn out, but I do not want to be consumed by it or driven by it. I'm trying to maintain a good balance. And so far, I have nothing to give me cause to worry. I just can't wait for next week's appt! (June 2nd)

Anyway, there's been some great news in the blogosphere with both Sam and JJ getting great betas... And with Glenna getting her son home... And Elaine 6wks along... And Chris getting a potential match.... And lots of sadness too with Andrea and Baby Dreams getting negative IUI betas... Anyway, click over and offer some words if you get a chance.

No Really, I Did Find It This Time

2008-06-12T13:08:00.002-04:00

I can officially rename my blog. Morning sickness has been found. However, as I'm only 8weeks 1day today, I have realized I actually want more than m/s.... I'd like a real live baby. But I can't change my blog to "In Search of a Real Live Baby" because, well, no one would know it was me. And I like me old name.

Anyway, yeah, morning sickness hit with a lot of force sometime around week 7. I still don't actually throw up (hold off for story), but I am nauseous all day long. I can rarely think of more than 1 or 2 foods a day that don't make me sicker to eat. Water has become pretty unbearable, so it's been gatorade lately. And I'm a stricty water and coffee-based drinks gal. No anymore. I rarely can tolerate coffee either. My husband's many offers of Starbucks have been turned down all but once (when I agreed to share one with him if I could). Yesterday, I managed pringles and golden raisins all day. Then when J was headed home he wanted to get me some soup. I requested chicken noodle in a box. He came home with 3 boxes of 4-serving size packets each!!! Is he not the sweetest? He picked up barley too, seeming to think I could add that to the chicken or beef bullion if I can manage that. I love how he's trying to take care of me. I haven't been able to fix him lunch or dinner for a few days now, which makes me feel terrible in my job as a wife. But he's been more than understanding.

Now, want to hear a funny story? Well, we decided to take a 4 day weekend this past one to go to Savannah to the beach there. We rented a little condo and got there ready to have a great time. And every day we spent lots of time at the beach, took walks at night, collected shells, visited the cute downtown area, and ate terrific seafood. We also joined a boat club where you pay a membership fee and you get to use any of their boats whenever you want, and when you're done, you just leave it to them. They take care of fueling them up, cleaning them, maintenance, docking them, etc. Back in '06 we owned a 27 foot boat we kept in Corpus Christi when we were living in San Antonio, so we're well aware of all the work owning a boat is. This seemed like a great opportunity to get all the fun without the hassle, at least until we move.

So, Tuesday we decided to use a boat to go 12 miles offshore to fish over some sunken stuff that gets lots of spanish & king mackrel, cobia, & whatnot. 1-2 foot seas was projected. We left at 8 and by 9 it was SOOOO choppy! We had to go about 12 mph, and we still had like 9 miles left (approximations). I got really beat up and was feeling very sick (it was also close to 100 degrees out and going slower meant less wind to help alleviate the heat). J put out some fishing lines as we went so slow, in case anything wanted to bite. All the while, I'm feeling awful. He then said we could speed up now, and could I reel in the 2 lines. I tried to, but literally was stopping every 10 seconds to just breathe and not look at anything. I felt horrible! I then tangled the lines, and he told me he'd need to fix them, so could I drive the boat. At this point, I told him I didn't think I could (I had driven about 30 minutes prior, and that sort-of put me over the edge, nausea-wise). I found my way to the edge of the boat, hung out there, and then just hurled. But first, I surprised myself by crying. Yes, actually cyring I was so miserable. Even I didn't think I would cry from just being sick. I cried as I threw up (which made J ask, "Are you laughing?"). Anyway, he wanted to turn around, but I figured we'd gone this far, we should try to go on. He agreed if I threw up again, we'd turn around.

I felt better instantly, good enough I thought I was done. Ah! But another 30 minutes in the heat, waves, lolling, getting beat around, and well, I foudn my way to the other side of the boat to heave again. This time no crying. J was saying, "We're going back" as I hurled, but thru heaves I practically yelled, "No! We've got this far! Stay!" I just felt it'd be a big letdown and waste to do that. Plus, I could take it.

So, he agreed to fish an hour. Unfortunately, I curled up on a towel and just laid there. He had to pilot the boat, watch 2-3 rods, and bait everything. I don't know how long it was, but he did get 4 fish, 2 keeping size. Yummy ones in our freezer now. By about the hour or hour and a half mark, I had enough of thinking "I'm so sick, I'm so miserable, I hate the heat and smell and movement." that I asked, "When are we going home?" And he decided to then and there.

The ride back was just as rough, but I did not throw up anymore. I stayed out of the direct sunlight and I kept my eyes closed. I know that helped. But the nausea was there the rest of the day!

I've never been sick on a boat (thought I've felt it at times). I've never been purely morning sick. But I think that was morning sickness, as close as I get. Yes, I'm tired of feeling nauseous all the time every day now (I know, it's only a week). But I so have high hopes baby is growing and causing this. And I will do anything for that little baby. Just keep growing!

Question: I want to buy a fetal doppler. When is the earliest you tried & got a heartbeat on one?

7wk Ultrasound & Remembering

2008-06-04T17:58:00.003-04:00

Well... we went in today for the 7 week appointment. I was scared the baby might not be alive. Afterall, I'd had two cramps the evening before, and cramps send me into panic mode.

Ah, but no.... I caught the little "flashing" on the screen. Baby measuring 7weeks 0days (exactly what it should be). Heart rate 140. Wow. Could we be this fortunate?

After the ultrasound I had to have the regular ol' OB first timers visit. It was weird! Most of the conversation with the midwife was about the nuchal fold test & triple screen, delivery options, forming a birth plan, and how good I'd feel in the 2nd trimester. I kept sitting there, wanting to interrupt her, telling her this was too early to talk about this! That she should save her time! That I... might not get that far. I know, that's terrible. But I do not take even one day of this baby's life for granted that it'll go on. It was just out of place, unexpected. Even my husband agreed, although to him it was more of a reality, "wow, we might get a live baby." We assumed with pregnancy #1 = baby. This time, no such assumptions.

I have to wait 4 weeks to go in again. Then they'll try to hear the heartbeat with the doppler. If they don't get it, we'll do an ultrasound. She did tell me if I started to get too worried/paniced, they'd gladly have me come in earlier to do an ultrasound. It's reassuring I have her blessing on that. I hope I'm strong enough and have no good reason to use that.

And lastly.... because it was such an incredibly terribly busy day at work yesterday, and then afterwards dinner was such a hardship to fix w/o being sick, and then I just needed to lay down.... I actually forgot what day it was. June 3rd. My first baby's due date. I know if I were not pregnant right now, that wouldn't have happened. I would have cried and the day would have been so bitterly painful. Instead, I try to focus on the possibilities ahead of me, while remembering what we've been through to get here. I miss that child not being in our life right now, but I am grateful to have renewed hope beating away inside me.

My husband thinks I should change my blog name...

2008-06-03T08:51:00.004-04:00

He thinks is should be, "Morning Sickness Found."

I am not so optimistic.

I just can't call what I've got morning sickness yet until I... you know.... throw up.

You see, growing up my family took a lot of car trips. Since we eventually reached 8 kids (but started the trips when there were just 6 of us kids), flying was OUT of the question! So they'd pile us in the van, start a video, and drive for 18 hours. Yes, we had a VHS player in there, probably a huge salvation to my parents sanity. Instead of listening to hundreds of "When will we be there?" they just heard, "Can we start another movie?" Smart, huh? Dad still knows all the songs in the old Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory simply from hearing it so much. We adored these vacations and trips. Often Dad just didn't want to go on a weeklong business trip without us, so he'd just bring everyone. He always made it fun. I don't remember any stress, and as we got older we helped with the packing and eventually took over entirely. But back then, it was just fun, fun, fun. I love that my Mom was so game she never said, "I can't/won't do this."

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, more than a few of us would proclaim, "I'm sick!" or "I feel like I'm going to throw up." from the back seats (especially when we graduated to a 15-passenger van, the back gets very bumpy). However, only one of my sisters ever actually had to get a trash bag or the car stopped so she could, um, take care of that. Dad's reply to us all (except her) eventually became "Promises, promises". Mom would always try to make us feel better (crackers, gingerale, moving up to the front). But innately I knew it was just motion sickness and I shouldn't make a big deal, because nothing would come of it anyway.

Now that I'm older, I still get motion sick in cars and boats (not in 4-seater airplanes, amazingly). But nothing ever comes of it. So I don't feel it's worth mentioning.

That's how I feel about my current "morning sickness." I feel horrible a lot of mornings. The shower is always too hot, and all I can do is sit (or not take it yet like this morning). All day, the thought or sight or smell of food makes me sick feeling. I fight nausea in waves. You'll hear me breathing heavily as I try to control the urge. I literally haven't been able make myself eat a solid except cereal for some days (until evening - and if you put something in front of me, already prepared, I can eat that). Cold always sounds good, hot not so much. I hung out at the toilet yesterday hoping something would come up. Only by gagging enough did it, but it wasn't true gut-wrenching sickness.

I know I have symptoms, but I just can't call it that until I guess I have valid proof. Yeah I feel bad and have lots and lots of food aversions, but this isn't to me what I can call morning sickness.

One more interesting side affect? Mouth ulcers!

Apparently....

2008-05-28T18:44:00.003-04:00

I called the OB today because of the sharp pains in my left abdomen. They've been present all day and eventually really bothering and worrying me. Apparently whoever I got on the phone today, when I mentioned "sharp pains" "in vitro" and "ectopic" she got the messages to the nurse, who then called me within 5 minutes and told me if I could be there in 30 minutes, I'd get an ultrasound. They didn't think this was something to not attend to. They were very surprised I wasn't still under an RE's care, but when I explained I did IVF in San Antonio with the miltiary, they kind-of understood. I guess they didn't before. So, even though I live 30 minutes away, J was home and drove me there. Took us 40 all said and done, but we got in, and I got "fast tracked" into the ultrasound room. I explained (as I had on the phone) that while it was sharp, it wasn't excrutiating, but they never made me feel like I needed any more reason to come in. I loved that I didn't have to feel pressure from them for "worrying." With that said, the tech put the probe in and started around. This felt eerily like my ER visit, where I could see plenty of uterus and ovaries on screen, but nothing resembling all those grainy u/s I see everyone else get....

Until, I see something in the uterus. I hear her mutter "a sac." My eyes well up with tears - I was so worried all the drive there. I kept telling my husband, "I'm not ready for bad news, not ready for this to be over." Wow. She looks around and sees a very enlarged left ovary, and lots of cysts and some free fluid. Enough that she wants the doc to look. But then she tells us, "This is your baby here, flasting right at us. That's the heartbeat." I couldn't believe this was me seeing all this. I wanted to cry, but was too relieved to actually happy-cry.

The dr came in, saw it all too, and while he said it would be very unlikely to have a uterine and tubal pregnancies, it could happen. If I got worse pain, I should come in for another ultrasound. They were so nice, I thought it was their job to deny ultrasounds! He asked a fair amount of our history, cause of IF, how many times we did IVF, why we weren't under an RE's care still, etc. If I don't like the midwife (or feel she's knowledgable enough) I'd go with him. He expected me to be on progesterone and estrogen, and this made me think he'd at least had IVF paitents before. Anyway, quite reassuring.

So without further babbling on.... I'm going to share my ultrasound picture. Those who this is painful for, please don't go any further. I have been there more times than I care to count. I only wish you were all here with me.

6 Weeks Today, Everything Quiet

2008-05-28T14:07:00.003-04:00

So, today I am 6 weeks. Every week is a milestone. Shoot, every day is around here!

What do I have to report? Zilch. Nada. Well, that's not entirely true, just nothing interesting.

Now, last pregnancy, I stopped temping the day of my 2nd beta (baby was 4w1d). I also stopped taking HPT's a few days after that. I just expected everything to be ok. When I started bleeding, at 6w4d, my HCG was already 42. Don't know how long or fast it had been dropping, but at least if I'd taken a test that morning, I'd have seen the lighter line and known something was up.

So this time, I've refused to stop either. I take my temp every morning still. And it's consistently nice and high. Sure, there have been two lowish temps, but that's nothing to bother about. I've been taking the HPT's twice a week (after every day that first week, just for the fun of seeing them): one on the day I change what week I am (for example, today since I turned 6weeks), and one 3-4 days after that. They have increasingly gotten darker. Today the test line was finally really darker than the control line, so now I have no more way to just the "darkness" of the line, but I can at least make sure it doesn't change for the next week. I imagine I'll stop the HPT obsession once I get that 7 week ultrasound. I just have to make it that far...

Symptom-wise, the morning-sickness has continued to be elusive. Not that I want to be sick, but I would appreaciate at least a few days for my body to be signaling to me that it's actually doing something with this pregnancy. I hate not feeling anything except pains and aches. If I had to describe this pregnancy so far, I've not liked it. Simply because I fear every single ache and twinge and pain. I haven't had anything I'd categorize as a cramp, but I've had heavy & light pressure, abdominal pains, and sharp pains in my left side. I'm hoping the sharp pains are cysts, not an ectopic. Right now I just want proof that there's something good happening inside. I dispise waiting for 7 weeks, but I just have 7 more days to go. I think I can make it.

Thank you all for following along in this crazy roller-coaster....

Birthday... & Update

2008-05-23T08:57:00.009-04:00

So yesterday was my 27th birthday. Honestly, I had one of the best birthdays in a long time! My husband already had to drive up to Atlanta for a memorial day servive for all of Georgia's fallen service members in this war. So I went with him, for my birthday lunch. After the ceremony, he took me to Cheesecake Factory. Yes, it's a chain, but I just adore their food and dessert! We did fine dining in San Antonio and when we had our post-deployment trip to New Bern in April, so I feel I've been spoiled enough in the last two months anyway! Besides, I loved it.

I got my favorite meal: The Farfalle with Chicken and Roasted Garlic. Mmm!

And of course, Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake! We had a coupon that if we spent $60 we could get $20 off, and we were so close, we just ended up getting 3 pieces of cheesecake rather than 2 so we could use that. So we brought them home (we can never finish a piece in less than 3 sittings!)! Sooooo delicious!

Then I opened my present from my husband. He honestly is a terrific gift-giver. Sometimes birthdays are big, sometimes not as much, it all depends. I have asked for this gift for years now, but never felt like I "deserved" getting spoiled with it (since my $40, 12 year old Mr. Coffee one has worked fine). Yep... It's a true pump-driven espresso machine. Luckily, I had decaf espresso on hand to try out immediately! The espresso had the most rich crema on top, the most strong, fabulous taste! I am in heaven!

Anyway, on the pregnancy front, I hadn't been feeling that well. Yes, fatigued. But I have pressure everyday in my lower abdomen. Not cramps, just heaviness, a pressure is all I can call it. Yes, it worries me. I get twinges on my left side, but just twinges. I've convinced myself not to worry about an ectopic with no real reason. The twinges only last a few times a day. The pressure? About 30-50% of the time, coming and going. Sometimes worse when I sit, sometimes worse when I stand.

This morning, I had my first different/new symptom. I got up about 3 to go to the bathroom. I felt very dizzy, as in running into a door dizzy. Kinda nauseous. The same thing when I got up at 6. Definitely dizzy and a little nauseous. From what I know about myself, it's my blood vessels dilating causing my blood pressure to drop, thus the dizziness. It's called orthostatic hypotension. Since my blood pressure runs "low normal" anyway (like 90 over 60), & since it was low post-retrieval causing me to be in recovery 1.5 hours, go through another bag of fluids, and get me dizzy & throwing up after that... well it makes sense as a symptom for what I know about my body. I'm taking this as a good sign. I'm 5w2d now, right when I had my 1st intense doubling-over cramps last time. None so far, and please stay away is my prayer every single hour every day!

Beta #2 for IVF #2

2008-05-19T09:35:00.004-04:00

Beta 14dp3dt came back at 528. A doubling time of 47.48 hours. Pretty darn prefect, even though I'd rather see it doubling quicker, I know it's right where it should be. Now how on earth I manage the next 16 days until my ultrasound.... I have no idea. I keep trying to concoct ways get a 6 week ultrasound as well as my 7 week....

Ideas?

Beta #1 for IVF #2

2008-05-16T09:45:00.002-04:00

So my beta came back at 262.3 - stunning, for me. The last IVF, as you can see from my sidebar, it was 56 and then 152. This explains the dark line the first time I tested. Now I kinda wish I'd seen how early I'd have gotten a positive. Anyway. Got the call from WH, so much nicer than last time. The doctors there can be quite different in personality. The one last time didn't even say "congrats", but said, "we'll see how this goes." This doc was more enthusiastic and encouraging on the #'s.

I keep on the PIO until 10 weeks (I could switch to the suppositories at 7 weeks, but I like the shots and they're easy enough). Forgot to ask about Estrace. I get my 2nd beta tomorrow, and the dr's will call Monday with the # (I can get it myself on Sat if I want).

I'm just praying and hoping that this pregnancy stays strong and keeps healthy. I have the ultrasound set for 7 weeks (Jun 4). I still look every single time I can for blood (so like, 10 times a day). I'm trying not to just worry without reason. The first time I really felt happy was getting that good beta number. I feel a little bad I can't just be happy, but I know once I get to see the heartbeat(s) things will change - because it'll be a milestone we didn't get to before.

Thank you all for your love and support and well wishes. Please know if you're still waiting, or taking a break from treatments, I fully support your leaving and taking a break from reading. Afterall, I know I had to do that after my miscarriage, it was too painful. Everyone has their pwn ways. I'll keep reading all your updates, though, and waiting for your good news one day.

Apparently....

2008-05-13T07:55:00.004-04:00

IVF #2 has worked for us. Yep. Last time I started testing 6dp3dt and tested every day until I got my positive 10dp3dt (and even then, for days afterward). I think I have like 10 saved + tests from that time. The beta is always 12dp3dt and 14dp3dt.

This time? I figured it'd be a good decision to wait until 9dp3dt. So a day before I got the + last time, so that if I got a - I'd not be surprised, and it could prepare me for the -'s that might follow in the next few days. Sort-of ease into it. I definitely didn't want to test on Mother's Day anyway, because I just wanted to concentrate on my mom, and being grateful for her life, her love for us kids, and having her around. Mother's Day wasn't tough, we called both our moms and talked an hour each. Mom mom adored the card and present I got her. I had urges that evening to just POAS, but figured why ruin the day?

Monday morning (9dp3dt) came and as J hopped in the shower I POAS. But I stuck it under the sink. After my 20 minute shower, once he was out of the bathroom, I looked at it.... And what should I see when I'm 90% knowing it'll be stark white? A second line. Pretty dark, as in it's porbably been visible for a few days dark (way darker than my 1st last time). So of course I went to show J (now he knows how to read those things). It was strangely anti-climactic.

Yes, we're beyond happy that IVF has once again gotten me pregnant. Who would have thought? I know that's so lucky and I don't even know how to relate to it not working. I know I have much to be thankful for. And I am. We are. Yet, since we've been here before ,we are I guess a bit scared. We're happy, but we know that happiness can be taken away in one horrible night. So I guess it's reserved happiness? I'm sorry it has to be this way, but I do want to be grateful for every day these embryos keep growing in my body. They were both better cell-growth than the two we put back last time. So I'll wait to see what my betas are, and pray these little ones stick around so I can see them on the ultrasound, and then the next 8 months. I'm very, very grateful.

sheepishly I'm the Worst Blogger Ever....

2008-05-08T21:57:00.003-04:00

Really I am. You wanna know why? Because I went and had an entire IVF cycle and did not blog once. Seriously, how bad is that? It's as if I'm communicating that I don't need you all and care about you. I've been completely absent in commenting too. Let's see if I can explain.

Something about doing IVF this time around has me completely emotionally guarded. I have been rather subconsciously (and sometimes not so subconsciously) intentionally avoiding doing any more thinking, researching, and discussing this IVF and all it entails. It's as if I believe the less of a big deal I make of this, the less it might hurt if it doesn't work. Or if it works and I lose it again. And actually, I think I'm right. If I make IVF a big deal to me, emotionally and mentally, then if it doesn't produce a pregnancy, I might get really devastated. If I consider it more like I do an IUI (as much as possible) then if it doesn't work, I'll be more ready to dust myself off and try again. No, the expense and inconvienience and staying in Texas for 3 weeks isn't easy to minimize. But the rest of it can be.

Is this right? For me, for us, right now it is. I have to be able to try this again. I have no idea what it feels like for IVF to not work, and I need to know I won't have an emotional breakdown. Last time, I was not prepared for it to work. Now, since I don't know what that feels like, I have to steele myself.

So... Allow me to recap, for your reading pleasure. I'll try to be brief.

Baseline date: April 16th. Stimulation start date: April 18th. My protocol was changed, without explaination. But true to my let-it-happen attitude this time, I decided to not research it to death, or even bug the doctors. (Last time I started on 150 Follistim and 50 HCG daily, but after 4 days I had to change the Follistim to 125 from thereon out. I triggered 10 days into my meds, but with an E2 4944, I used only 5000 units.) (This time I was on 150 Follistim, 5 Lupron, and 75 Menopurm which never changed.) Without asking, near the end of my stimlation, a doctor mentioned to me that the meds "are working as planned, and your E2 is better." I inquired, and he explained they didn't like having to decrease dosages, and my E2 went too fast too high last time, and it looked like I was starting to peak at trigger last time. (This thrilled me to no end to have them confirm, because I KNEW from my BBT I had ovulated the morning of Retrieval.) This time my E2 peaked in the 3000's, I was on meds 11 days, took the entire HCG trigger, and most importantly, my temp didn't go up until day after Retrieval.

At Retrieval we got 18 eggs (17 last time). 2 were immature, same as last time (but apparently they try to fertilize those they said?). I spent 1 1/2 hours in recovery, b/c my blood pressure would not go up (last time, 30 minutes). I threw up water afterward, and couldn't eat until that evening (last time I had food immediately afterward). All in all, not too bad. I told the nurse last time I was alert but in no pain, so they keep my meds during Retrieval the same. I remembered it all, two docs did it, and that part was pretty quick.

Last time they only told us 8 fertilized. This was true, that only 8 fertilized with 2 nucleus, but we had a total of 12 fertilize (3 with 2 sperm, 2 unexplainably with 1 or 4 nucleus). I thought this made them unusable, but this time they told us they've had normal babies from those. They also said that they fertilize immature eggs, b/c sometimes they mature. So go figure. New facts. Anyway... This time we were told we had 14 embryos!!! We chose to do half ICSI (for better fertilization rates and/or fertilization w/o 2 sperm). Half the cost, and the doctor thought we had no real good reason to do ICSI except experimentally, so save us some money. Fair. So, 8/9 fertilized with ICSI, and 6/9 without. We think we made a good choice.

Our embryos at day 3 were also better than last time. Last time we were offered to Transfer 3, because of our low cell number. We had a 6B, three 5B's, and various lower ones. This time we had Two 7B's , a 5B, a multinucleated 5B, a 5C, and various 4's and 2's. We considered 3, but transferred the two 7's. Our idea, and the doc's, was to avoid triplets.

We ended up at Day 5, once again, with one going to blastocyst stage to be frozen. But I discovered Fertility Center of San Antonio totally sucks and steals you blind. Yes, people, tell me if this is normal: We have one embryo from September frozen with them. We now have one from May. We paid $750 in September. I expected to pay it agian this May, as they're freezing another one. However, I figured now we have two frozen with them, they'd be rolled together in terms of one yearly payment. Guess what? Oh no: Every May and Every September we have to pay $750 separately!!!! That makes me spitting mad, I feel totally taken advantage of, because I value life and our potential children's lives. Aggggg.

So there's my story. My blood test is late next week. Yes, I'm not advertising exact dates. I will not start POAS'ing until 9dp3dt since last time I got my positive 10dp3dt and do I know it'd be a waste before that most likely. No need to depress myself prematurely.

I'm eating SO healthy, sleeping a full 8 hours, totally not exerting myself, having either roobis tea (naturally contains no caffiene), or ONE cup of C02 decaf coffee/tea a day. No fudging, like last time. Anyway, thank you for reading and for remembering to ask about me (Glenna, Andrea). I care about you guys and have been faithfully reading, promise.

HSG - Good!

2008-03-08T14:02:00.002-05:00

Well... had my 3rd HSG yesterday. Here's another one for the books.

Ok, this military hospital has an IVF program here, so they definitely perform these on a more regular basis. A resident doctor explained the procedure to me (and asked why I was getting a 3rd one!) and told me he'd be performing it, but if he had trouble he'd get the staff doctor.

See, I had no trouble my first one at WH, and I've had 3 IUIs with no trouble (except a resident once did have a few minutes trouble). But this doctor could not find my cervix! He looked around with the light/speculum for about 10 minutes, poking and prodding. No luck! So he called in the staff dr. He did his residency at WH and him & his wife were treated there (though they got pregnant by going civilian he said). Anyway, he was very nice, but could not find it either! He said this has never happened in his years of practice (he only looked mid-30's, so that can't be so many). He really pinched me, but at least he switched to a smaller speculum (they always do that). He said they'd call in the head of the ob-gyn/IVF clinic to do it (the ordering physician in this case too). That guy came in, very confidently, and found my cervix in about 8 seconds. Maybe less. Super easy, super comfortable. Here is the difference between a trained doctor who deals with those parts all the time, and a radiologist who isn't always accustom to finding a woman's parts. The procedure was a bit uncomfy, but finished in a few minutes. He saw the images and said they were great (tubes, uterus). He made certain to take pics as the baloon was deflated of my uterine cavity. I can pick up the films Tuesday and send them on to WH.

I did get light-headed and weak like I did with my first one. A good sign, I think. I rested about 45 minutes once to my friend's house. I am so glad to have this out of the way - almost (I do have to get the films reviewed by WH). I do so love military hospitals instead of civilian, I must say. At least the ones that understand IF stuff!

I got my baseline date: April 16th. We purchased tickets out to SA. Mine are from the 15th to May 4th. Should be enough time, but they can always be changed for a $100 fee (mine was free, so no big deal).

The part I did not like was that I will be on Lupron this cycle! They reviewed my drugs/responses last time, and thought I should do it. I don't know WHY, but I guess I trust them. They said I start a few days before baseline and continue while I am on the stimulation drugs. I need to research exactly what this is. I just REALLY don't want to be over-supressed, and I liked my response last time. Although I think I ovulated ~1-2 eggs before retrieval last time, so if Lupron would work better than Ganirilex (which was suppose to prevent that), I'm happy. I just had hoped everything could be the same so I could predict with some certainty my response and my dates.

So, it is a little over a month away. How glad I am to have it to look forward to, and yet I'm scared of it not working. I would even rather get pregnant and miscarry again rather than not. I hate the monthly BFN's. So.... I'll keep posting more as I get more info. Thanks for all the well-wishes! I'll comment/post more once I leave Seattle on Wedneday!

HSG - YES!

2008-02-28T14:20:00.002-05:00

Thank you all for the comments.

I feel so grateful that I have been give the best/easiest way out... Fristly, Madigan is not only on the very base I'm staying at (Ft. Lewis), it's about 3 minutes down the road. Super sweet! It's an IVF clinic too, so they know all about stuff like this & are completely set up to do it.

I first went to Radiology with my "orders" (not really an order, as much as just explaination that I did in fact need an HSG for a good reason). They only schedule HSG's through the IF Clinic, which is on teh 3rd floor in a different wing. I head up, find it, and talk to the front desk. They said I'll need to talk to the coordinator, so I wait. She comes over first insists they are so booked up and since I'll only be here 2 weeks, I might just as well get it done elsewhere. And they only schedule them when you're on CD1. I explain that I live in GA, had it done there, and they didn't really know how to do it, did it wrong, now I need an HSG pronto for April IVF. She says she's booked to Mar7. I say, "Can't I get it Mar8?" She hesitates. Then, she is absolutely adament that I need this done on day 10. Doesn't matter that my husband has been deployed since Jan25 and I haven't had sex since then. I try to get her to budge. I ask her what if I start BCP's today, would that change anything? Because then I couldn't possible be pregnant. She hedges. She says she'll ask the doctor.

I pray. I pray. Finally, she comes over and tells me they can schedule me! I first need to go to Admissions & get in their hospital's sytem, then come back up and she'll do it. Suweet! I wanted to just yell, "Praise the Lord" right there, I was so relieved! And they'll do it Mar7th!

So I got myself in the system, and then came back up and got it scheduled. I mentioned the BCP's thing (because I actually was not going to go on them even if they said to). She said I didn't even have to do that!

I do need CD3 FSH/LH/E2 drawn, and asked. She wouldn't put it in the system yet, since I have to have a pregnancy test before the HSG and she said they'd draw it all then. I asked if I could just tell them not to, but at this point, she had done "a lot" for me and she wouldn't budge. She said to call on day 1 and she'd get them ordered. At this point, I need this woman as my friend, so I agreed. Now, I just have to go in Friday and get it taken care of. I can't believe my best/easiest/cheapest option worked! I'll still have to get the films to WH, but I can manage that.

Stay tuned for another HSG showdown!!! #3 if we're counting!

HSG.... Boo!

2008-02-26T12:36:00.005-05:00

So, I just couldn't leave town without some drama, right? Things were just going along too quietly.

I had my HSG done Jan17. Remember? I had my misgivings about the doctors performing it. I know personally that the hospital is not good in terms of being knowledgable, advanced, etc. Neither doctor seemed really good at it - and the actual dye part took only a few seconds. No pain afterward... 25 minutes to find my cervix (when I find it every day when I am charting). Well, it took 3 weeks to get the images. Then another week or two for WH to get them and another week to review them. So last night I miss a call from them. The IVF Coordinator sounded un-happy.

So I call back this morning. Guess wht? The HSG wasn't done right. They did not deflate the balloon so there isn't a good picture of the uterus. I saw there were only 2-3 images TOTAL for the HSG... Knew that wasn't good but hoped it'd be ok. It seems like the docs doing it thought it was only for the falliopian tubes. Now, obviously, I don't think there are any problems - since my first HSG was good, and my hysteroscopy was good too. But it has to be more recent (within a year of the IVF).

So, it's cutting it close and as you all know, I won't even be in town for the next 2-3 weeks! Plus, do I really trust them to do it again right? No! They're the ones that took 6 hours to get a simple ultrasound when I was miscarrying. I called the RE in Columbus that I have a referral to, but they don't use a balloon for the HSG because they say it's painful. I know Madigan is a military clinic that does IVF and they're in Seattle area, so I could possible get it done there, but it's Army, and I don't know that my primary care doctor in Georgia will order a test in Washington to send to people in Texas. Get it? I'm working on 2-3 other plans, but it's frustrating!

And, because today wasn't good enough, with the of the timing of my current cycles, I'll have to be on BCP's for 5-6 weeks. I was on them 26 days the last time. I pray I won't be over-suppressed. That's a fear of mine, even though I'm a great responder. Bleh, bleh, bleh.

So I'm not super thrilled, but I know worrying won't get things done. My first option is to see if Madigan will do it. If they won't, I can get a flight back from Settle with an overnight layover in Dallas. That's about a 5 hour trip. I'd arrive 7pm in Dallas, rent a car & drive to the base & stay in the base hotel, get the HSG the next day, and then drive back to Dallas to catch a flight between 5-8pm (there are multiple ones leaving). My last option is to do it in Georgia, honestly.

And because you asked, I left my BCP's at home, and I'll probably need to start them just as I'm returning from Seattle. That I can just get transferred to a pharmacy anywhere... but it's one more thing I have to do! Oh, and my CD3 labs need drawing and I don't know where I will be at the time. Fun stuff! I'll keep posting when I get more details.....

Here - Just Traveling!

2008-02-25T08:01:00.004-05:00

Ok so since I haven't had much in the TTC front to say (how much can you say when you're taking a break that you don't really want to, but have no choice?). Yeah I didn't find myself pregnant the two weeks after J left (but it was nice to think of how fun it would be to surprise him with that call). So I went and got all my IVF blood work drawn, got the HSG mailed out to WH, and send our big fat check over there. Next time I see my husband, I'll be on the birth-control supression part of everything. So we're definitely placing our hopes in IVF #2 working. I knew - I just knew I'd be a mutliple IVF'er.

I'm waiting to hear from them as to which week in April is our baseline week, so I can go ahead with the ticket purchase and the car rental. I can't wait to be in warm, sunny, beautiful, fun San Antonio!!! I LOVE that city. The friend I always stay with is actually doing a FET sometime in this next week. She & her husband did IVF where I'm doing it when they were both still active duty. Now they're civilian and she's got a 2 year old from that first round. She has 3 frozen. Lucky! I remember thinking (before I did IVF #1) that was such a low number and I would probably have between 5-10 frozen. Ha! We will do ICSI this time, because we had 12/15 fertilize, but only 8/12 fertilize normally. The rest were multi-nucleated, meaning either 2 sperm got there, or my eggs already had more than one pronuclei. Not sure, I'll ask the RE's, but it can't hurt. And for only $900 more that's worth it to me.

So, tomorrow I leave for Washington state for two weeks! Gonna go see my friend with the Army deployed husband. Can't wait! It's been fun visiting, I got to my parents' this weekend, and I was in Charlotte Sat/Sun.

I haven't commented on all your blogs this week, but I plan to read them in the airport and try to catch up! Love to you all, dear ladies!!! Oh yeah, and only a few more weeks until the NC Bloggers meet - hooray!!!!

And now it's just funny...

2008-02-07T14:06:00.001-05:00

Guess what I got in the mail today? A bill from my miscarriage ultrasound!!! Irnoic, eh? It should be covered, so I just went ahead and called them. But at least I had already dealt with the miscarriage reappearing in my consciousness this week and so instead of hurting or getting mad, I laughed. That is one bill I will not cover!

BTW, my husband and I have been recording 90 second videos on our webcams and emailing them to each other... It's been SO wonderful seeing his face and hearing his voice with it!!! And we have almost made 2 weeks, whoo-hoo! Just 8 more to go!

A Little Sad Story

2008-02-05T14:55:00.000-05:00

Today I was running errands... and I went by the hospital to pick up my images from the HSG a few weeks ago. I went to the records division and thought I could get it there. They directed me to radiology. I explained I wanted my images. She prompts, "Do you want January's as well as October's?" I almost told her I didn't have any from October... but I took a few seconds to think and recalled what it could have been... Ah, the post-miscarriage ultrasound. I said yes. Afterall, more data is always better. But it stung to be reminded when I wasn't thinking of it at all.

Then, as I was leaving, I passed an open door... peering in, I realized it was the exact room I'd been in That Night. The ER Ultrasound room. That again hit me like a ton of bricks. I've passed that hall many times, but I guess the door has always been closed.

I choked up, but managed to keep myself from crying. It's amazing how I'm still really sad and hurt over losing our baby, and yet I feel so distant from him/her. I used to feel very connected. I guess that's what time may do. I don't know if that's good or bad.

I looked over the images when I got home. The HSG ones look SO blurry to me, I hope they're ok. All I could imagine if they weren't is WH making me get one at an RE rather than a hospital. I'd do it if I had to. The ultrasound ones were interesting, especially the comments. (Like about a hemmoragic corpus luteal cyst on my left ovary. Or about my endometrium only being 4.6mm at the time. I suppose since I'd been bleeding almost 7 hours by the time of the ultrasound, and had passed the baby, it makes sense (I hope)). Anyway...

More to tell... Two very specific stories about me being in groups of lots of pregnant women and my representing the 1 out of 8 (or is it 1 out of 10) women struggling with IF. Me being the odd ball. Me not liking who I've become, but not knowing how to change.

And guess what? I got 3 inches of "ick" cut off my hair. All split/unhealthy ends. Eww. It's definitely shorter (still below my bra line), but it'll show the growth a lot better. I'm happy, although I am glad it'll have 2 months to grow before J gets home (he looooooooves long hair!).

I've Been Tagged, Yay!

2008-02-01T16:04:00.001-05:00

Hello everyone. I cannot believe the support here. I felt kind of silly posting about a cat dieing, when there is so much pain out there with all of you and actual children miscarrying, delivering prematurely, or not being brought into existance even when you're doing everything in your power.... And yet, SO MANY of you kind ladies commented.... shared how you felt when you'd lost a loved animal.... Helped me over some of my guilt (though it still plagues me). I couldn't be more surprised and unworthy of your friendships and kindnesses. YOU get me through the hard times!!! It's been tough to lost the kitty with no one here to give me a real hug, and yet all your comments felt like one. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am more resolved to try to be that person for you all.

So... Sweet Andrea over at Entrusted Soul tagged me as a nice distraction. :) I'm grateful. So here we go (I enjoy these so much).

Here are the rules of the tag, followed by my answers:
The Rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

1. I grew up eating off the kids menu until I was about 13. None of the 5 girls in my family are more than 5'4" or 115 lbs, so we all eat real small. Somehow, waiters let us do it for a long time - maybe they felt sorry for a family with 8 little kids. I also always took all the kids orders and gave it to the waiter to minimize confusion. We kids also never, ever ordered any drink besides water. :) And I loved being so frugal and organized.

2. I met my husband at a Colonial Ball.... Which none of you probably know what it is. It is a yearly even in my area in NC where the home-schooling and other families get together, hire out a place, hire a band and a caller, and contra-dance the night away. You dress up in Colonial clothing too, to go with the sytle of dancing (it's somewhere between the Minuet and Square Dancing, with such fun tunes as the Virginia Reel). I'll never forget his buzz hair-cut and white thin knee-high socks with knee-length black breeches. :) So cute! Of all the guys in the room, I wanted his attention and to dance with him the most!!! We were 16 years old and it was Valentine's Day '97.

3. I would gladly go for days living off coffee, cappuccinos, hot tea, and beef broth. I love hot drinks and coffee really fills me up. It's terribly unhealthy so I never do it (especially with TTC) but I COULD (and have in the past).

4. I'd gladly drop $200 at Ikea, Pottery Barn, Bed Bath & Beyond or stores like that. But give me a $200 gift card, and it'll take me months or years to use it... I love to "milk" it and save it for something I know I'll never be able to justify buying to my husband with our cash, but with a gift card I feel so autonomos.

5. I despise the sound or feeling of sandpaper on anything. I literally get chills. And the worst thing? Walking down the aisle in Lowes with concrete bags. Hearing shoes, carts, etc scrape along it just gives me the willies!

6. I like to think my hair is pretty, because it's long and I brush it a lot and try to take care of it with deep conditioning once a week and non-cheap products. I am not afraid to experiment with color, but I am with length. It's almost waist length and has been getting that way since J and I married. And yet.... I HATE to pay for trims. Because I was spoiled with great stylists in the small communities I've lived in the last 13 years, I never paid more than $13 for a great haircut. Yet.... I can't find anyone & we've been here a year. One bad experience with a cheap "walk in" place had me never going back... Yet I paid $45 at Aveda and loved it, but just can't. And so, my "pretty" hair hasn't been trimmed since July. Yeah, I am so awful!!! Split ends galore. Eww.

And for some good news, I ended up adopting a 1 yr old orange/white cat. The family was military & moving where they couldn't keep her. She's been sweet and it helps me SO much to not be alone again, and to have something positive to focus my emotions on. :)

Yeah... Bad Day.

2008-01-31T18:22:00.000-05:00

My precious little kitty, who was about 11 months old, died today. She was always very tiny, when I got her spayed in October, and she only weighed 3 lbs they told me she probably had something wrong internally... To be an adult cat, and yet to be so small and stunted in growth. Anyway.... I'd been so very busy with work, working past midnight last night and not even showering until noon today because I'd been working since 7 with back to back conference calls and projects due. *sigh* I didn't check on her until about 3 and she was curled up in a corner, dieing. I know what a dieing animal looks like, I've seen a goat die right in front of me (mine, incidentally). I scooped her up and put her in the softest, warmest towel I had and rushed her to the vet. They did what they could, but she died 30 minutes later. The vet said it seemed like liver failure, because she had a hard lump where they liver is, and was hemmoraghing under her skin (I think, it's vague). Anyway.... that was so hard to take. She has been my little companion since J left, sleeping in my room each night and curling up on my lap as I worked or watched a movie at night. I feel so upset and alone, with no one to even give me a hug. I just hate that it happened. I've never had a cat die on me.... She was so small and precious. I don't want any more animals.... I don't want to have anything else to cry over right now.
So yeah I'm kinda sad. And I feel guilty for working so hard today and not noticing sooner (I thought her meow sounded wrong). So I'm back to work, probably until 2 or 3 today. Bleh. Anyway, here's my little princess kitty.

He's Gone

2008-01-27T13:21:00.001-05:00

Yes, my husband letft yesterday.... We knew it would be hard, but we had no idea it would be this hard. I miss that man SO MUCH!!!! We are both totally so in love, it's just obviously so hard because we cannot live without one another... We really had a hard time Saturday, saying goodbye. On Fridya night my husband and I saw no point in going to bed, because we wanted to spend as much time awake with one another as possible. We did eventually sleep, but my husband had set the alarm so 5:30 so we'd be sure to have a good, full morning together. And we did. It was beautiful, perfect, and precious. But we did have to say goodbye... It was so hard to just maintian composure!!!

I know we're not going to be apart as long as many other people are, but for us, ~70 days is torture!! I have a lot of projects I want to accomplish, but at the same time I just want to zone out so I'm no missing him so much. I already got some things done, but I'm trying to take it a day at a time, so have have enough to work on before he comes back.

I don't know why we've done this, but I know we're strong enough to do it. I am just living every day waiting for his return. Day 1 done, Day 2 halfway done!

Absent

2008-01-22T16:57:00.000-05:00

Sorry I've been absent... This month has been busy. And now, in just a few days my husband will deploy for a ~70 day stint to the Middle East. I've been spending all my excess time with him... We even went this weekend to a lovely, luxurious mountain cabin in south-western NC. It was magical, and so perfect. But now we're back and counting down the days.

I did happen to do the Clomid Challenge Test this month, and I am so very pleased at how my FSH is looking.... On CD3 it was 7.34!!! Now, you all know I've been worried as I've only ever seent these numbers go up... And I know all the stuff about there that you're only as good as your worst FSH, but I don't have the profile of a high-FSH'er and now, with such a good number (for me) I'm thrilled. This past month I specifically prayed for a pregnancy and for my FSH numbers to be "fixed." I think I at least got that answered. Previously, I'd just worried myself sick practically about it. Then I figured, gosh I should pray! I'm so glad.

I had my second HSG (hysterosalpingogram). If the doctors (yes, the first one had such trouble he called another one in!) hadn't taken 25 minutes finding my cervix, it would have been "a breeze." I was really worried about this, because my last HSG was terrible. Not the procedure itself, that felt like an IUI. But the post-HSG was so painful, for about 22 hours. At one point I neraly couldn't walk right after it. This time? The dye was in and out before I even knew it! I hardly felt it. Both tubes open, uterus looks good. Same as last time. I have no idea why you have to do it pre-IVF because they don't care about the tubes anyway. Whatever! It's done.

We have to get our check out next month for IVF. The clinic "appears" to have changed their prices, but what they've really done is charge up front like you're doing ICSI, and if you don't end up needing it, they refund you that portion back. I want to discuss with the doctors whether to do it or not, but I lean VERY strongly towards it, because we had a lot of our eggs fertilize "abnormally" (i.e. multinucleated). Basically, to recap:
17 Eggs Retrieved
15 Eggs Mature
12 Eggs Fertilized
8 Fertilized Normally (4 were multinucleated)
This is an 80% fertilization rate, but only 67% normal fertilization. J has a lower-that-we'd-like Morphology, and that's something an Embryologist can look at to choose the most perfect looking sperm. This of course is just my opinion, that's why I'll have these stats in hand and talk to the RE's there and see if doing ICSI will help at all. Gosh, even if it'll just help those 3 eggs that didn't fertilize to fertilize, that's 3 more embryos to get a chance to grow.

I did hear from the clinic that their baseline dates start from the week of April 7-28. I think I'll be in the week April 21-25. If their baselines are still on Thursday, then I will very easily be able to predict EVERYTHING about the cycle (I actually had a spreadsheet for the IVF #1 before I actually did it, predicting if my baseline was such-and-such a date, & I started stims on such-and-such a date, then here's my predicted Retrieval/Transfer date. I was EXACTLY right.

Now, of course, I am due to ovulate this week (clomid always makes me late, the later I take it, and for the CCCT I took it CD5-9, so probably CD16-18 O date). So we'll have a chance at pregnancy, but I am just going to pray and hope.... It would be so nice not to have to do IVF again. But I'm ready, if it comes to that. At least I'll know this was our last chance before that. I actually never have minded IVF, and if it were closer I'd go so far as to call it pleasant (booking airfare and rental car, being out of my home, being away from my husband, all make it not fun). But anyway, I'll take delight in "shooting up" again.... And pray I get a live baby out of this.

After 5-8 (don't want to count) pregnancy announcements these last 2 weeks from people I am close to or acquainted with, I've decided to just stop thinking about it. People get pregnant, I'll don't think I'll ever be one of those people who get pregnant their first month trying, and can be uber-excited and not fear miscarraige, but it's life & I've gotta deal. It's my crisis, no one else's. Can't expect understanding from women- except from you my dear online friends!!! I cherish your support so much!

Chart Readers Welcomed!

2008-01-06T20:35:00.001-05:00

Ok so this month's chart was unlike any other I've ever had. My Luteal Phase is always 13-15 days long. Usually my new cycle's start day is accompanied with a temp dip (or the following day is).

So, this month my LP was 17 days long. I suspect a chemical pregnancy. You know why I can't know? Because when I tested on 14 DPO I ran out of tests. At that point, my husband wanted me to wait a few days to test again. I honored that. Tested yesterday (when my temp dipped), BFN. Today my temp's back up, but BFN again. Then, spotting turned to flow. Drat.

I've searched a bunch of Fertility Friend's charts and it seems a lot of ladies with chemical pregnancies get BFP's about 2 days before they start bleeding (so 1 day before they start bleeding they get the BFN's). Since I didn't get a chance to test 2 days I just can't know. Maybe I'll never know. I would be overjoyed if this was a chemical pregnancy, because it would mean we can conceive on our own.

However, it looks like I'll just never know. I'll chalk it up to a really weird cycle. But what do you all think???

***UPDATE: (Sorry, TIM) I just passed two large fetus-looking clots. Abnormal! I am now considering the chemical possibility even more. It's not a sad thought. While I wouldn't at this point say, "Gravida 2, Para 0" I'd still at least maybe harbor some hope our bodies cooperated. Hope's not always a bad thing. Afterall, we only have one more shot at TTC naturally until IVF #2.***

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/135722

13PDO + Temp Dip + BFN = Impending Gloom

2008-01-03T14:42:00.000-05:00

The hoildays were actually extremely wonderful. Acutally, I've discovered there's nothing like not being home to talke my mind away from how different our life is from what I'd like it to be. Being away, surrounded by the bustle of family, in-laws, nieces, and a constant stream of friends coming and going, it's so easy to just live in the moment and have fun. It's easy to forget, because it's so busy... But then, coming home to a house with just 2 of us, where I work in a home-office, and once again having about 8 hours alone-time a day as I work, then preparing dinners and cleaning and doing laundry in solitude, gives me TOO MUCH time to think. Too much time to realize how quiet and empty our home is. Too much time to get discouraged. It's just true.

However, since this is the life we do live in, I have to find a way to live in peace in it. I have to find a way to conqueur the majority of thoughts that lead me into a spiral of discouragement. I pray, I encourage my own heart with words of truth, and I just try. It does work. Not every single hour, not even every day, but it works more than it doesn't.

This month really was different, in my heart. I did not once say something snide, negative, or woe-is-me when someone made a (often blithe) comment about "when" I get pregnant or have a baby. I gently nodded and agreed. Because this month I was letting hope come in, and not steeling my heart against failure. I believe I need a positive and faith-filled outlook. Hebrews tells us without faith it's impossible to please God. And from the time of ovulation on, I spoke words of life to my body and my womb - I talked to the little being I hoped was being formed inside. Ridiculous? Maybe. But it actually helped my spirit. I feel so perpetually broken, like a failure, and like my body is horrible to me, that I honestly think it can't be good for my heart or for my body. I know the hormones it must release aren't good. I'm not saying thinking good thoughts gets you pregnant! I'm saying I needed a different thought-life, and I needed to be receptive to the idea of succeeding on our own.

Does this month's looming failure hurt any more than previous month's, because I acted like it would succeed? Nope. In fact, I hope I can be that way this coming month too. During IVF, once those two little embryos were transferred in, I talked to them as if they both implanted and were alive. It feels nice doing that, even though I don't really know if anything fertilized or not.

So, I'm expecting to start tomorrow or Saturday. Even when I know it's coming, it's never over until you see the proof. I so want to handle this better than last month's BFN. I cried today already, because on top of the temp dip and BFN, my sister told me a friend showed up at our New Year's party, and is about "17 weeks pregnant". Knowing I should just let it drop, I then prodded, "That would make her due about end of May" and I got the response, "June 2nd." Of course I knew when she'd be due, because I should be about 17 weeks now. She's due 1 day before me. I had SO thought I avoided anyone having my due date!!! It stung, in a place I've tried again and again to close the wound. But it never stops bleeding, it just temporarily trickles until it's touched and then the blood just gushes out all over again. Am I crying over the miscarriage or infertility? Both now, I think. They are inner-related at the time. And then someone else is 6 months along, sister tells me, with their easily conceived 2nd child.

And once again, with 2 sentences, I am reduced to feeling like such an outsider, like the most abnormal woman on the planet. Because I don't know anyone in real life who hasn't conceived that wants to. I just wonder, "What's so wrong here?" and I get no answers. That's the hellish part of Unexplained Infertility.

All Quiet on the IF Front

2007-12-17T11:46:00.000-05:00

Well.... after my last post I don't have anything else to add. Except that sometime around Wednesday/Thursday there was a turning point in my spirit (mind, will, emotions). I had the grace necessary for each day. I had the grace to smile and laugh and my spirit wasn't weighed down anymore. I call it a spiritual breakthrough. It's nothing I did differently than any other day. I think I just had to persist and wait for it. I think God will offer us grace, but then we have to receive it. I can be so caught up in my own pain that I don't see it or don't want it when it's there. There is a fine line between being genuinely discouraged and then having an opportunity for release from it - and refusing to take it. A funny situation that occurs and gives you impulse to smile or laugh (when you haven't in days). An offer of kindness by a husband or friend (Starbucks, Target shopping) that is turned down because if you leave home people might forget you're sad (and yet you do want to go). Maybe just a feeling that life isn't so bad, and yet inside you are afraid of life without the pain, so you deny that feeling. Whatever it is, I know the moment I have the choice to make. I know when I'm refusing to partake of the grace offered to me. This time, I didn't refuse.

In Polishing God's Monuments (a book I can't recommend enough), the author states this, in reference to having a huge loss come into your life:
"We feel overwhelmingly sad and empty. No matter how much we still have to be thankful for, the loss of what we value is so crushing and the relative value of everything else is so diminished by the price we put on what is gone, that nothing could offset our pain enough to alleviate it. Once we had the little world we wanted and now it is gone. Thereafter nothing would satisfy but to have things back the way they were. Our emotions balk at any relief less than a return to the status quo."

I know this has been me at times. Nothing less than having my pregnant state back and my baby returned to safety in my womb would make me content. The "status quo." It's painful to realize that I have to settle for less than that. It's been ordained.

So, I am trying to now receive the grace that comes to me. Though outwardly I have no more hope that I did a week ago when I was so lost and distressed, inwardly I have hope in God's working. I am ready to return to prayer with faith, prayer for a miracle this month. And if He doesn't give it, I pray I will be able to be content to wait, in expectancy of a good work sometime (just not my time).

Thanks, Wonderful Blogger Friends!

2007-12-14T10:01:00.000-05:00

Well.... I'd like to thank you ALL for commeting on my last entry... I'm shocked at how many of you have to deal with SO MANY pregnant people in your friend groups and work. I know one couple in my company of 60-some employees who has trouble conceiving. Everyone else, no problem... As in, we have a father of 12, father of 8, another father of 8, father of 7, father of 5, and so on. Oh yeah, no fertility problems there. The good thing is, most of them work in the Illinois office, so apart from ultrasound/baby pictures and announcements, I am very shielded from it becauses I work alone in a home office. I ignore the "it's in the water" comments (how I've wanted to beg publicly for that water!).

The pregnancies that hurt the most are my close acquaintances/friends. And I told my husband, I watched all these women get pregnant with thier first or second born children spring '06 and now many of the moms with one baby are trying for number 2. I had a hard time then since we'd been TTC ~6 months, but now, this spring it'll be ~31 months. I just am not ready for that yet. I know SO MANY of you have walked through this. I only have 2 of those so far (friends pregnant with #1 & now #2 all when we were TCC before #1).... I love my friends and they are very kind to me. I am happy they don't have to experience the awful pain of IF. I'm glad to see their families grow and be so happy. But envy sneaks in and I just want it too. Yes, envy. Ugly, isn't it? And I don't want to be forgotten (which naturally happens). But I have to make myself stop comparing them to me. My life is different and I can't make it what it's not. I'm trying to love them, they're trying to love me, and we're in different seasons. I can't share all their motherhood joys while I'm in my time of pain, and vice versa. So I am going to have to keep pushing on, whether or not I'm pregnant when they all get their #2's.

Now, I would like to say I have incredible parents. When I was at the end of my rope earlier this week, I wrote them an email about my pain, my doubts, my feelings of dispair. And Dad & Mom got on the phone and called me, just to love me. Dad knows where I am. He has had deep, dark times of pain and confusion and one bad thing after another at seasons in his life. He told me that he can't offer me anything I haven't heard yet... That I will have to find this place so deep down inside of me, and find out truly what I believe. He said that these are questions my very life is hinged on... life or death type of questions. And he just struck such a chord with me.

C.S. Lewis is a writer I never tire of reading. He is logical, clear-headed, and has the ability to put into words the things we don't even know we have thought. One of his books, A Grief Obsered, was originally just a diary after his wife's untimely death. He wrestled with whether or not God was even good. Here's a quote:

“Bridge players tell me that there must be some money on the game, ‘or else people won’t take it seriously.’ Apparently it’s like that. Your bid – for God or no God, for a good God or the Cosmic Sadist, for eternal life or nonentity – will not be serious if nothing much is staked on it. And you will never discover how serious it was until the stakes are raised horribly high, until you find that you are playing not for counters or for sixpences but for every penny you have in the world. Nothing less will shake a man – or at any rate a man like me – out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs. He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses. Only torture will bring out the truth. Only under torture does he discover it himself.”

That's what Dad was talking about. This is an experience in my life where I have to really discover what I believe. At one point in his struggles, Lewis said, "Not that I am in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not ‘So there’s no God after all’, but ‘So this is what God’s really like. Deceive yourself no longer.'" Yes! When I'm so tied up in my own pain and other's joy, it is a real question to grapple with!!!! I know the truth about God, but my circumstances and definitely my feelings are telling me it's all been a deception.

And yet, I just know, even in my pain, that I believe something different about God. I don't believe he tortures as a vivisectionist. I believe He is the good surgeon, gently cutting out something dreadful out of me. He is working for my good. Not because it even looks remotely like that, but because I have to choose whether to believe His word about Himself, or my feelings/temporal circumstances.

Ah how far I have to go.... But at least I know what I'm up against.

Testing

2007-12-11T15:46:00.000-05:00

I received a call from a good friend today... You're right, she is pregnant. Her second. They started trying before us, had a miscarriage, then got pregnant & have a 1yr old. Now another coming. Hm.

Make this my 3rd pregnancy announcement in a week. My 4th friend to enter that realm.

Am I being sorely tested???? You bet.

Different

2007-12-10T10:00:00.001-05:00

So... Saturday my body was giving me all the signs of beginning a new cycle. This usually includes an acute lower back pain, slight skin breakout (seriously, this time it was ONE bit of acne, but since impending period or ovulation are the only thing I've ever pinpointed to bring this on, well...), and negative HPTs. I'd taken 3 this month, each stark white. Of course, looking at them I knew they had evap lines, but still, we all hope maybe we're just not seeing that pink line but it's really there. But from my one pregnancy, I know that once you see the line, you know. No ambiguity. My first positive that month was at 10dp3dt (i.e. 13 dpo) so I rarely bother with testing very early anymore.

Saturday I also got a call from a longtime friend, Anna. This friend has suffered twice from Hodgkins Lymphoma (cancer of the lymphatic system) by the time she was 21. She is now 26, cancer free, and married 2.5 years. She has always wanted kids, but the cancer stopped her cycles completely. She was told she'd gone through menopause. Yet she still prayed. We prayed for one another. I used her as a prayer-target, so that when I felt really depressed about my own situation, I thought about hers and prayed for her instead. Well... she got a period and is now pregnant! This news just was the best thing I could have heard. I was SO happy for her. I had not gotten around to telling her about my pregnancy (I was waiting to tell most people until our 1st ultrasound), but she learned about it & the miscarriage from my mom a few weeks later and called me. She was one person I was afraid might never have her own children. I remember wondering how I would tell her I was pregnant without hurting her. I just felt like to have to suffer from cancer and losing your fertility was too much for one person (they told her they couldn't save/freeze her eggs, which I know there's not good technology for yet). Anyway, I was really happy for her. I didn't even think of being sad/envious. Until I saw my husband. He took it unusually hard. And my heart broke, because I wanted to be pregnant too. And somehow I feel like it must be my fault that we can't get pregnant and that I couldn't keep the baby. So I feel somewhat responsible for his pain. I know this is a lie.

So, Sunday my new cycle did start. And though I took it well almost the whole day (determined in church that I would sing praises to the Lord because He is worthy). Then at dinner it hit me, and I snapped emotionally. (My poor, sweet husband has to be dragged along these roller-coaster rides. He is so incredibly sensitive and strong.) After a while, I just decided I'm making this month my cry out to the Lord month. Maybe it won't change anything but my own spirit. I'm not trying to manipulate God ("Well, Anna didn't try anything medically. She just believed. Maybe if I do that too you'll bless me!"). I truly just want a different month. I don't want to live as I have been... "There's so little hope this month. Sure I ovulate and everything looks perfect, but it's never happened before. But I'll still pray, it could happen! But I just can't wait for IVF#2." Nope. I just want to live IN this month. And to pray like it's my only hope. To pray like I have no hope in anyone but God. I can so easily forget that some people have no medical recourse. I don't really remember to cry out as if my life depends on it. Maybe I just need a re-focus. So that's what I'll attempt this month.

And that's all I have to say today.

Thanksgiving Flight

2007-12-06T09:55:00.001-05:00

I just wanted to brag about what an awesome wife I am... *grins* Actually, not really, but I figured you guys might find it funny to see how we traveled this Thanksgiving from Georgia to North Carolina. The drive is approx 8 hours, so when we're making a short weekend of it (4 days), flying is the better option because typically it's only a little more expensive and it saves you a good bit of time.

When we flew up Wednesday we got there in a record 2.5 hours. Sweet! However, Sunday we had to leave NC early because weather was getting bad on the east coast. That took 4.5 LONG hours! It's not nearly as comfy to be in a plane as a car, you have to wear headsets (that give me headaches after a few hours) and well... it can be tense for the pilot on days like that. There was about ZERO visibility. Anywhere from 3000-6000ft we were totally IN a cloud & rain & bsome turbulence. You just had to trust the instruments. Plus all the airports kept re-routing us because they were too busy to have us flying directly in their airspace (Greensboro,Charlotte,Atlanta). So as the passenger I just had to hope the Air Traffic Controller knew what he was doing and we wouldn't midair crash with anyone. (I know, silly, but you have little else to think about up there.)

Now you may think I'm being over-reactive. But by being in the copilot's seat I have an up-front view of everything. Sometimes you'd rather not see the conditions you're in! Any for your viewing pleasure, here is our aircarft. After landing, I was praised on not showing any fear (under the circumstances, because I'm not normally scared to fly in anything).

Back! And Back to Updating!

2007-12-03T08:01:00.000-05:00

Well, I have finally experienced something many of your talk about. I cried at a pregnancy announcement that was in front of my face. I've actually been able to avoid this so far, receiving announcements via email, phone, or blog, so I've had my own sweet time (or been able to hide my face) if I struggled. Ah, but last night I was caught unawares. Let's get some background.

I love our Life Group. To understand what that is, it's basically a group of about 5-8 couples, of various ages and stages of life, that meet once a week for a meal, fellowship, a Bible/book study, and prayer. Our church encourages you to join one so that you don't get "lost" in the big church as a whole. It is helpful for discipleship, for friendships, and for true help in need. We have had great ones in our previous churches in Charlotte and San Antonio, and were so happy to find one here in Georgia.

Our LG does happen to have 3-4 couples with kids already. It also has 4 couples with no kids (we are included in that figure). I knew one of them was trying and going in for an IUI b/c of previous chemo treatments on the husband. I prepared myself that they may announce a pregnancy soon and I really wanted to be happy, b/c they've been married 4 yrs and really want this, and um, if anyone's had to go thru chemo they deserve not to have other medical trials! Plus, c'mon, an IUI is not nothing when you're new to IF. It may seem non-invasive to a veteraned IVF'er, but I still remember the lack of privacy it introduces to what should be a lovely intimate time between a husband and wife. Anyway, they actually didn't show up. Another couple who joined more recently, been married 8 months, came. I met the wife at a baby shower and when she asked if I had any kids, I truthfully said I'd miscarried our baby a week before. She shared they'd been trying 6 mos, and at her annual the week before she asked her dr was she doing something wrong. The dr recommended OPK's, but she really didn't know how many to buy, etc. I told her I'd recommend her reading TCOYF, b/c she seemed to know nothing about her body. I guess I assumed it'd still take a while.

So at LG last night, all 4 of the ladies & me were sitting down to dinner and this girl then asks the new momma, my friend Kristy, about caffiene consumption and makes a comment about not knowing what she should eat or not eat, etc. And then I knew. She was avoiding saying she was pregnant (& we had talked one-on-one before LG & she did tell me what was new in her life was she got a job). So of course, knowing the reason she didn't tell the whole table was b/c of me, I just said, "Are you pregnant" and gave her a warm smile and congrats & asked the due date. Of course I'd already cried twice that day, feeling so down and sad for my dead baby and our lack of options for treatment. So tears were already just seconds away anyway. I choked them back, but I was bottle-feeding the 2-week old and couldn't just leave. The entire remaining 20 minues at the table was about ob's, deliveries, etc. I felt suffocated. I tried to burp the baby so I could give it back to its mom and go someplace quiet before I made a fool of myself. But in the midst of the stories, Joy (has 2 live kids, but had miscarried her 2nd child) shared about her 5 yr old son's delivery. She already had a girl by c-section and wanted to do a VBAC. After 25 hours of labor she asked for an epidural and then 2 hours later got the most excrutiating pain she ever had experienced. Her dr came over and then rushed her to the OR. Without even asking if she was numb (though she was), she saw him slash her stomach and pull her son out. Her uterus had ruptured and they had only minutes before her and her son's life were possibly lost. SUCH a sad story and yet redeeming. I immediately knew a ruptured uterus meant no more kids, and so I start weeping (silently) as she shared this. And she did mention that in the weeks of recovery she held her son extra close, knowing it was her last. She & her husband had wanted more. Anyway, yes the story was a sad one, but I think the proportion of my tears wasn't quite right for it, so I finally returned the baby and went to "get a drink." I found the laundry room and huddled in the corner, crying out bitter tears of pain. I felt a knife had been pushed in me when we lost our baby, and it remains, and certain things twist and grind it in even more. I held this woman no grudge, I am GLAD she doesn't have to experience IF and losing a child. But I am dumbfounded why I again and again must be tried and found wanting. I thought it a merciful thing that though I started TTC before all my Charlotte friends, we moved before they all started trying (and succeeded their 1st month), so that I didn't have to live with my failure in the face of their success.

Anyway, I tried to compose myself eventually, but I know after crying that w/o makeup you can't really hide it well. So I didn't rejoin the women but went to watch the Steelers vs Bengals. And Joy, bless her heart, came up to me and said, "Have I shown you my daughter's redecorated room? Come see!" I knew, without a doubt, she knew I was in pain from the conversation and she was purposely distracting me and removing me from it. I almost wanted to thank her for it, but every time I tried to, I got too choked up. I figure it's just as uncomfortable to be the preson trying to be sensitive, so I knew I didn't need to mention it at the time. But I felt so grateful for her. Something about the pain she's had herself makes her more attune to others' pain. I so want to be that woman: looking not to myself buy looking out for others.

Of course, on the way home, J asked me how I felt about it. And I spewed out all my frustration, hurt, etc. And you know what? He felt the same way. Bitter, angry, frustrated. He told me, "I don't know why I'm so slow on the uptake, but I finally understand how you have felt over all our friends' pregnancy announcemnts." (Every time before, he didn't "get" why I was hurt at their pregnancies - he thought if they were my friends, I should be glad and that should be the end of it.) It feels so good to at least be in unity, even though it manifests itself differently in each of us. He tends to want to ignore it and get fed up, whereas I just want to try all the harder. So there are still plenty of things to talk about, but at least emotionally we connect on that level. He was super sensitive toward me and while I cried he energetically did the dishes (I think it was pent up frustration!). No matter what, I am grateful to have this kind, wise, and gentle husband by my side through such a hard trial.

So I'm back and will post more often. The RE appt went ok, but basically I was told IVF is our best option, since IUIs haven't worked yet. IVF w/them is 11K plus meds. Can't do that, it's the cost of two at WH. IUI is 1K plus meds (which I need little of & have a little leftover from IVF). We're just praying and considering Dec/Jan, but we may just stay put and wait, or we may not even have dates that work. I have a hard time thinking if I pray I'll get an answer, but all the same, I pray for wisdom. I think my husband will get a clear yes or no, and I want to abide by that, as hard as it may be. More later!

Tagged! & Questions Answered

2007-11-19T09:20:00.000-05:00

I've known I had some questions unanswered from the last few posts, so here are my answers to you, my Blogging Buddies.

I have not had the genetic testing done yet. I'm hoping I can show our history to the new RE & they will order it for us. If they don't, I will do to my PCM doc (Primary Care Manger) on base and ask him to order it. He's helped us out before, and I feel if I ask he might do it. I just don't want to use that unless absolutely necessary (trespassing on his good graces and all). I want this bad!

Projects to do in the spring while husband is deployed? Yes, actually, I am going to do landscaping. We'll have lived here 1 yr by then & we still just have the ugly/cheap stuff builders put in. I don't want to spend a ton, but I want to make it look beautiful and well kept. I had planned on painting/decoraing the baby's room when I was pregnant, but for now it'll stay as it is unless there's good reason to change it. :/

Where am I doing IVF through the military? Wil.ford H.all in Texas. Yes, we pay about $4,000 for IVF there. Tri.care doesn't cover it or have anything to do with it when it's at a Military Treatment Facility like that & Wal.ter R.eed. Tri.care comes into play when you use non-military doctors. & Tri.care's policy is to cover diagnostics/tests and anything used with natural intercourse. If you start doing IUIs or IVF then they (theoretically) do not cover drugs, ultrasounds, blood draws, etc with that particular cycle. Sometimes they do, but it's hit & miss. All military facilities I know of will not let you use donor sperm for IVF and maybe IUIs too, so you should stay with civilian providers. Good luck!

Also, I was tagged by Wishing, Hoping & Praying. Never been tagged before, so yippie. Here goes!

Four jobs I have had in my life: Turbo Pascal Programmer, Babysitter, Web Programmer, Index Operations Manger (current - work with S&P of the S&P 500 index)

Four Movies I have watched more than once: Sense & Sensibility, Shadowlands (old PBS version), Little Women, Where Eagles Dare (has anyone else see this?) (I watch a lot of favs more than once, but these I have watched a half dozen times & still do)

Four TV shows that I watch faithfully: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1 (before it ended last season)... none others faithfully, but I like Man vs Wild, and Dirty Jobs

Four Places I have vacationed: Scotland (whoo-hoo), Grenada (nutmeg & rum punch!), Vermont (in the summer always), Napa Valley in Sunny California

Four of my favorite foods: Seared Ahi Tuna with Soy-Ginger Sauce, Pepper-crusted Filet Mignon with Caramel-Espresso Glaze or Bernaise Sauce, Godiva Warm Chocolate Melting Cake, Cheesecake Factory's Farfalle with Chicken & Roasted Garlic (bowtie, pancetta, mushrooms, tomatoes, parmesan, etc - how can you go wrong? the ultimate comfort food!)

Four places I would rather be right now: Starbucks!, Vacationing in Europe, Having a baby(?), doing IVF, (ok those last two aren't what you're looking for!)... fine, then, Tahiti.

Four hobbies I have: (I'm not a great hobby person, but these are things I will do in spare time occasionally) Hunting (prefer it warm, so dove is a favorite), Sewing (need a project), Violin (gotten out of it since married, but used to play in orchestra w/ 3 of my siblings & for weddings, etc & LOVED it), Gourmet Cooking/Baking (if you can't tell from my fav foods. :) 3 of those are ones I perpare at home)

I Tag: Meg, Ally, and Laura.

Back for a Bit!

2007-11-18T15:38:00.000-05:00

I've been away, can you tell? We spent a week in North Carolina with our families. 3 1/2 days at my family's house, 3 1/2 days at J's family's house. Busy stuff!!! I especially loved visiting with my sisters, mom, nieces, and J's lil sister! I spend a good bit of time grinding venison, as J got a buck and his sister got her first deer (a yearling). I bow hunted and even got at full-draw, but the doe spooked. I want to get one next week. We love deer meat and I haven't bought ground beef since our first 8 months of marriage. Very lean, and you know what's in it. I hate ground beef at the store.

AF decided to show, so I'm on CD7 right now. Not especially happy about it, but again, what can you do but look forward? J and I have had a few conversations about what to do next. I want to squeeze in at LEAST two IUIs before April/May's IVF. J thinks they're a waste of money. If only sperm banking were free they'd be almost no money, since my tickets are free. But it's not. I have an appt Nov 26th with the RE in Colombus to get the 2nd opinion and beg for more tests. That is our plan: to get a 2nd opinion to our "unexplained" status, and to see if they'll test for miscarriage causes. If I like them, I may ask what an IUI would cost. We might do a medicated natural intercourse cycle (which is free), just depends. I will also ask how serious my rising FSH is. So, that's what my goal is: to get to that appt! I feel like J and I rarely talk about IF compared to how much I thiking about it, and always at my bringing it up (twice a week?). Not necessarily bad, but I feel I'm leaving him out of a big part of my life by supressing it, yet I know talking about it on and on upsets him. Hmm. I guess he doesn't have anything new to add anyway, though. And obviously I don't like being stagnant, which I feel we are, and he doesn't like to waste money/emotional effort, which he feels IUIS at WH would be. So we've agreed to pray about it and I assume if anything comes up at the new RE, we'll talk about the future. I guess my opinion is, we're already doing "nothing" as it is, and IUIs increase the "nothing" to "a little more than nothing" for unexplained, so I'm happier not wasting time - time that may be precious if my FSH levels keep rising. Were my FSH always low I doubt I'd feel so very pressed. A future without good chances is fearful.

So that's our life. We'll go back to NC for Thankgiving, so again I'll be MIA. My wireless card decided to die, so I have to plug my laptop up to a hardwire, which drives me crazy and makes me use it less. :/ Sorry! But I just got updated and left comments for you all!

Friday!

2007-11-09T08:52:00.000-05:00

I guess I've figured out who will go to Oxford with me. My blogging buddies!!!

I will actually write an entry more about why I love Oxford specifically so much, but for now I'll just tell about some of why I love traveling in Europe!

My first trip over there was September '94. I was 13 and went with my Dad, my older sister (15), and my twin brother/sister (11). He had a business conference to go to, his ticket & the hotel/food were covered for 3 days. We stayed at the Millennium Gloucester Hotel those few days. It was September, thus school-time, so during the day while dad was at the conference, we'd do our school work in the hotel room (we were 1 year into home-schooling at that point). There was tea service at 1 and I'd never had a proper English tea time! We adored walking miles and miles around London. I won't go into everywhere we went, but I'd be surprised if we did less than 5 miles a day. :) I distinctly remember buying goat's milk at Harrod's and using it for my tea (and loving it. little did I know in 4 years we'd live on a farm and have goats of our own to milk!). The best tourist-ey thing we did was visit the Tower of London, because they had a "Chamber of Horrors" below with scenes/effects from the Black Plague, Great London Fire, lots of beheaded people, tortures that went on in the tower. Creepy and my youngest sister did not like it (she was the most excited to see it, and then the quickest to want to leave!). We stayed a week, and moved to a less swanky hotel, but we didn't care. All 5 of us shared a room, I remember my younger sister and I sharing a single bed in the second hotel where we'd lay with our heads at opposite ends, our feet near each other's faces. :) But we didn't care, we were young and visiting a foreign country!

Two years later we were to go again, this time including another younger sister, and this time hitting 4 countries. London, England; Paris, France; Munich, Germnay; and Zurich, Switzerland (although we spent very little time in Zurich, we'd take trains to small towns and bike ride all day). My mom actually joined us for the last two countries (leaving the 3 youngest siblings with a wonderful friend who already had 3 of her own kids). This trip I'll have to get into later, as it encompassed such things as visiting Dachau, bike riding in the Alps, "Les Miserables" in London, and lots of pastries in German bakeries!

Five years later my entire family flew over to Scotland to live for 5 weeks. Each week we stayed in a different "cottage/house" and each week we drove hundreds of miles to the next "location" (one being an island requiring 2 ferries). My sister insisted we stay in the Highlands the entire time, so we were always north. (she hasn't yet forgotten the Highland Clearances nor ever plans to). This sealed the deal, I completely wanted to live there! As it wasn't a sight-seeing trip and just a chance to really live there, I have a deep-seated love for Scotland and its beautiful terrain unlike any other place on earth!

To top all that off, my husband and my destination of choice for our honeymoon was none other than Scotland. We flew into London, rented a car, and drove leisurely up to Eilean Shona (an island that doesn't even allow automobiles on it, it's so small/quaint!). But more later, I must keep my audience interested!!!

Well, It Was a Nice Idea

2007-11-07T14:13:00.000-05:00

Got a call back from WH today. Apparently, they don't have the first baseline until the second week of January. Not the first week of January. That was the only possible week we could do. So, I had to tell her take us off the January list and put us back on April. I was sad. More sad than I thought I'd be, I truly thought I wouldn't be disappointed. I handled it well, I just had to cry and then move on. Deployment is deployment.

So, now J will try to get his December deployment. That would put him back in early March. So a go for April. The good thing is, he is in a pretty solid squadron so the deployment dates are very reliable. (One less thing to worry about!)

I must say, I had it all nicely planned out in my mind: IVF #2 in January, if it didn't work, possibly having another embryo frozen & doing a FET while he was gone, and then IVF #3 in April if all else failed. You see how do-able this is! I assume this means that "the heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." (Proverbs 16:9). I am planning how I'd like to pursue having children (my "way"), but my daily "steps" for getting there are established by the Lord. That gives me confidence that what is ahead is what is wisest and best. Also, I like to remember, "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand." Sometimes this is hard to swallow. It means that I made plans for the baby we had in my womb, but the Lord's purpose stood, because it was to not let the baby live. Hard stuff. But if I ultimately believe in God's Goodness, then I believe this is not "evil" when it may look that way to my human eyes. I trust His character because it never fails.

So, right now we're just trying on our own. I am 8dpo which is always a nice feeling. We are leaving in TWO days to visit our families in North Carolina, which we haven't seen since July 4th. I am excited to see them, especially my 3 yr old and 1 yr old nieces!!! Plus 3 of my 4 sisters. My mom and them must do a "Gingerbread House" trip (this lovely coffee/tea/luncheon place that sells the pretties home decor items).

I had a long cry this afternoon with my husband(in front of, rather) . Had to talk about a lot of things regarding the miscarriage and our relating to one another, but it was really profitable.

A year ago today I visited my family in Oxford, England when my dad was studying there. I have this unexplainable, desperate feeling to fly back there. I mean, it grabs me and I literally go looking for tickets to see how do-able it is! I loved that city, I'll have to share more sometime. Wow. I keep wondering if I could do it! But with whom????

IVF #2, Deployment, Frozen Embryos & Go Vote!

2007-11-06T08:56:00.000-05:00

All right, last night after dinner J and I sat down and talked about his deployment & IVF #2. We named the pros/cons to him deploying Dec vs Jan. And basically, going with his buddy does not mean as much to him as trying again (seriously, I kept pushing that point and he insisted). He also saw something interesting I hadn't thought of. If IVF#2 in January fails and he does the January depolyment, he will STILL be back in enough time to do IVF#3 in April. It's the only way we could do both. I of course am not thinking ahead to "What if IVF#2 fails?" I know the military won't just let you do IVFs forever, but I've been unable to establish WHEN they stop letting you get on the list. I know certain older women were only given 2 shots & then told their eggs were too old & they couldn't help them. I don't know if WH considers my 1st IVF a fail or success. It'll show up as a successful pregnancy, but not that ended in live birth. Anyway, just something that I keep in mind: we don't have unlimited tries with them.

Now I have something to ask. You ladies that have done multiple IVFs and gotten frozen embryos from them. If you have embryos already frozen with a facility, and you add more, do you get charged again? The place WH uses to store embryos is Fertility Center of SA & they charge $750 for cryopreservation, but even though I have one embryo there, they'll charge it AGAIN if I get another to freeze. Is this the way most clinics operate? It seems a horrible way to get even more $$$ for them!

Lastly, if you have ever benefited from Stirrup Queens, The Virtual Lushery, The IF Book Club (forgot its name???), The Lost & Found Connections, or Mel's wisdom, please go vote for her site as best Medical/Health Issues blog. There are 10 to chose from and in the IF community she stands out. She works hard to connect people going through just what we all are! So, you can vote once every 24 hours until Nov 8th! http://2007.weblogawards.org/polls/best-medicalhealth-issues-blog-1.php

-Hold that thought-

2007-11-05T12:30:00.000-05:00

Just got a call from J. They want to deploy him Jan25. IF we got in Group #1 of WH (they start groups of 13 people each week of January to keep the patient-load tolerable), we could still do IVF in Jan08. Last time we were Group #2. I don't know if I can request it. There is language in the IVF contract about not being on IVF list if your spouse is deployed, but I don't know about deploying. I feel stuck - because if I ASK for Group #1, maybe I'd get it, maybe not. If not, I'd have to move to April and even then, if they knew J was deploying, wouldn't it throw me off the list? I need to read the contract again, and ask people at the online military IVF community.

BUT... A pilot friend of his is going on Dec 27th. J has a chance to go with him. He would like to go with a buddy (they'd be on the same missions/plane together). I, of course, would rather him be WITH a friend this deployment than with someone he doesn't like or click with or whatever. To me his deployment being a good experience is more important than doing IVF ASAP.

Also, if we tried to cram IVF in January, it could very well mean a potential pregnancy with a potential miscarriage without him. Yes, that assumes TWO events that might both not happen. But I have to think. How would I feel if a miscarriage were to happen without him? How would he feel? Would that really be good for his morale there? He needs to be able to concentrate on his work as much as possible - when other guys lives are at stake.

So, I told him I didn't want to decide on the phone. We'll have today to talk about it. And pray, too. Somehow I already feel like we're going to wait until April08. I am disappointed, but it's nicer to know it's our choice rather than someone else's.

Also, as Andrea asked, we can freeze sperm from J if I wanted to do IUIs while he's away. But WH will not allow IVF with frozen sperm. Some odd rule, because other military clinics do. I don't know if we'd do that or not. I kinda think it'd be a great time for IUIs. Yet, I don't know how much it'll cost or even WHERE they accept/freeze that stuff. Anyone??? It would be awesome if we lived in Florida, because a clinic w/2-3 locations in Florida offer FREE sperm freezing/storage for men stationed at the military bases there. Isn't that great? Too bad we're in GA.

IVF #2

2007-11-02T16:00:00.000-04:00

Well, some good news at last! Or rather, potentially good news.

IVF #2 at WH has a "gaping hole" (according to their IVF Coordinator) which they're trying to fill. I am set for Jan 08 (which should really be baseline/stims starting in January, unlike the misnamed "August" cycle that's really September)!

The "potentially" part is because we can't be sure J won't deploy. Currently, they're telling him they have all their navigators scheduled and he won't deploy until April 08. Initially, we figured he could volunteer for an early deployment cycle to avoid that and make our Apr08 IVF. Now, though, we should be able to just let things be. BUT, you can't count on that in the Air Force. They usually like to send new navs over there immediately (understandably). It's a 65-70 day deployment so the soonest he can go and I be clear for IVF is Feb's cycle. Perhaps it'll all work out, perhaps we'll have to have him deploy soon and go back to April's cycle. Not sure.

J informed me not to set my hopes on this. I won't "set" them, but it is nice to know we at least have a CHANCE for January. That's enough for me. A possibility. And with how things have been lately, I'll take any glimpse of a ray of what may be sunshine that I can get. :)

So, how was your week?

2007-11-02T11:22:00.000-04:00

Mine has been.... exhausting. Physically and emotionally. I feel SO worn out on the emotional level. I have had two days where I was almost a normal person again. Yeah I cried, but for the most part I was happy, singing, making dinner, and all that sort of stuff. And I've had days I didn't even want to talk to anyone and just wanted to be in a dark corner by myself to cry, or in a hot bath with a glass of wine and a good book to get lost in. I have tried to let in my feelings rather that fighting them. For a while I kept a running dialogue with myself of "Maybe I won't cry today." that I always ended up breaking. I finally realized it doesn't matter how many days in a row I cry. I will heal in my own time.

Now, as far as the RE, I got an appt Nov 26th. Good and fine. I AM going to ask for karyotyping on my husband and I. Insurance will cover it if it's deemed necessary by the doctor. I'd rather the dr get it ordered for me to draw on base for 2 reasons. 1. My husband can't make it to the appt and I don't want to drive 2 hours just for him to give blood another day and 2. Blood draws on base stay in the military's system "forever"and any base in the world can access them. Whereas if the clinic draws them, I have to carry around my sheet/file and it is only a "hard" copy but never in the computer. I can probably ask for some of this. I will also ask for blood clotting panel, and antibodies if they do it. I've always wanted a post-coital exam, too, which I think this clinic does. Basically I want to put to rest the idea that maybe my body kills my husband's sperm! Because IF it did, I'd want to know that IUIs and IVF are our only/best option. I need to know if TTC on our own is even worth it. Because....

Something awful in my medical records. Awful for me anyway. My FSH is on the rise. Oh yes, remember when I posted my concerns here in May? Well, they are now, on CD3 a 9.5 (August, pre IVF and pre BCPs)!!! Yes. And over 10 is considered high. As in, some clinics won't even let you do Shared Risk IVF with that level. I was floored, angry, and felt like when we had ENOUGH trials, here was another thing being thrown our way. Already we can't cycle much living 1000 miles from WH, and only 3 IVF cycles a year PLUS J's deployments keep us from doing IVF that often. And now to know we may have the clock against us too??? So hurtful!!!

Now, of course, I researched this out because I have a partly OPPOSITE profile of a high FSHer. High FSH is usually accompanied by low antral follicle count (viewed by ultrasound on CD3). My antral follicle count has only been done twice. It was 11+ back in November 06 and 20 when we started IVF in September. High FSHers are also hard to stimulate with drugs. I respond well to everything they give me. For IVF, they started me on their lowest dose of Follistim alone for IVF cycles (150iu) and by 4 days they decreased my dosage to 125, last day took 37.5. I was on stims for 10 days - the "perfect" amount. Had 17 eggs retrieved, 15 mature. The CCCT is suppose to be indicative of ovarian reserve by how well you respond to it. For the CCCT, my FSH on CD3 was 6.6, on CD10 it was 7.4. I think they like to see CD10 FSH the same or lower than CD3, but not sure. They basically don't want either level elevated. But from reading it seems like it's better for CD10 to be lower. Does anyone else have their CCCT CD #'s?

Anyway, I feel I have some bad data points against me. And it just gives me knots in my stomach to think that we've got even more against us than I thought. It wasn't suppose to be this hard!!!!

So, I know I can't do anything about this. I figured when I have my appt in Nov I'll ask that dr. I'll ask WH again, whenever I get there. I keep wondering if the drugs have brought this on or if it would have happened anyway. I don't know, it doesn't matter anyway.

If we ARE told we only have a little time left to TTC with good success, we may just do Shared Risk w/ an RE in Atlanta (forget insurance). That's why we need answers. It won't do any good saving money for WH if we've wasted precious time.

Searching Out the "Why"

2007-10-29T19:03:00.000-04:00

Today, I noticed online that my insurance had received claims on my 10/13 ER visit. I figured if claims were submitted, then whatever was done with the tissue from the miscarriage had been taken care of. Either it was tested or not.

So I called the hospital. "Yes, you have a report from pathology that you can come by and sign a medical release form for." So, scared and relieved, I headed out the door immediately. I didn't know how to feel. Would we have an answer? I kept telling myself there may have not been enough tissue to test (although there looked like a complete, 6 week embryo there, seriously). Just like this (warning, it is rather graphic.).

Got to the hopsital, got the report. Irritating. Basically said, "Sectioning through the fragments reveal no obvious fetal parts or placental parenchyma." Bleh. The specimen was saved in formalin and reviewed on Monday morning, as it was about 31 hours old. Theoretically should have been fine. Honestly, the hospital here is NOT advanced at all. In the sticks. Behind the times.

Now thinking about it, I think all they were trying to do was histopathology (confirm that indeed there was a pregnancy). Which they can't even get right! Terribly frustrating, as if someone is trying to tell me I wasn't pregnant based on those remains. The dr on call even removed the placental tissue after the miscarriage as I was examined. Anyway, so it didn't help, but at least if it happens again I will say "I want a karyotyping - count the chromosomes! You have to send this off somewhere, but do it!" Of course, I'm concerned about them getting my tissue in there & testing that instead of the baby's if that happened. Don't know how to go about that. Maybe I'll never have to worry?

Now, here's something to go over. My husband's mom has had EIGHT miscarriages (3 miscarriages, 2 kids, 2 miscarraiges, 3 kids, 3 miscarraiges, 1 kid). Six live children, the last when she was 41 has Down Syndrome. She says the Downs is Trisomy 21 (94% of cases), not mosaicism or translocation (i.e. not genetic or hereditary). But you see, all this bothers me. J's mom: 8 miscarriages & a DS baby. J&me: infertility & a miscarraige. I want to get tested for balanced translocations. It's possible his mom or dad have a blanced translocation and the miscarried babies were unbalanced. Of course, I guess the DS doesn't support this anymore, but still. His mom did tell me they thought maybe her miscarriages were from low progesterone (but she never pursued shots - which I don't get after miscarrying so many times I'd go to hell and back to try to prevent it). She lost all between 8-11 weeks (with 1-13 weeker in there). Um, thoughts, you with experience? That seems late to lose from progesterone problems. My reading says if you have low progesterone, if you don't start taking it from the time of ovulation, it won't help. You have to start at conception. Am I right?????

I got the referral to a "local" RE (i.e. 94 miles away, which sucks b/c if it were 100 miles, insurance would COVER gas charges!). Can't get them to pick up their phone or return messages, but it's my ONLY choice. I at least want testing for that, clotting disorder, antibodies, if I can. Plus further testing on "unexplained" that WH won't do since they only do real basic stuff. We'll see. I don't like the clinic b/c it's so small (1 dr), but I'll take it over nothing. And apparently that's my choice.

I don't really feel like getting into my feelings. Today has been really good though. I cried, but not a sorry-for-myself or depressed cry. Just sad. I guess I like having something to work towards. Back on the TTC wagon. Oops, it's dark and husband will be returning from hunting. Must go fix dinner. More later.

Google Searches - Answers Here!

2007-10-28T21:10:00.001-04:00

I always get such fun out of looking at how people find my blog. Some searches are interesting, some downright funny, some cause me to cringe with the innocence of the searcher, and some make me want to cry. In honor of the searchers who've found my blog but maybe didn't get quick answers, look not further here are some good ones.

1. is ganirelix a hsg trigger shot? - No it's not. Galirilex is a GnRH (gonadotropin-releasing hormone) antagon. GnRH is produced by your hypothalamus, and if I understand correctly, as estrogen increases from the multiple eggs maturing, the hypothalaums produces GnRH to tell your body decrease FSH production ("Don't work so hard at maturing eggs, we have enough!). Ganirilex supresses the GnRH from signaling so that in IVF all the possible eggs will be fully mature. It's only taken the last few days of FSH shots (Follistim, Gonal-f), as that's when it's needed to supress GnRH. You trigger shot will come probably on your last day of stimulating drugs and will be pure or recombinant HCG (Ovidrel, Novarel, Pregnyl). Y our dose will probably be 5000 or 10,000 units intramuscularly.

2. 4 dpo what to expect now and 4 dpo symptoms - None. Or rather, none related to pregnancy. You don't get pregnant quite that early, although you could have a fertilized embryo in there, it wouldn't have implanted, thus you'd have no HCG in your blood, thus no reason for symptoms. You will have progesterone in your body from the ovulated egg(s)' corpus luteus, though, which reaks havoc on the hormones. Don't drive yourself crazy looking at every symptom.

3. 5 weeks pregnant after ivf did anyone had ultrasound scan - I wish! Next time I want one 5-6 weeks in. My first cramp was at 5w2d and I wonder if our baby died that day. Multiple ob's wouldn't see me until 7 weeks and I miscarried at 6w4d. I won't wait that long again. Everyone is different, but if you have a reason to get seen before, try to use it. Otherwise, you probably just have to wait.

4. blog for hysteroscopy - Well, my blog only has one entry for this, but it was a really good experience for me. I've often been so glad with "unexplained" that I KNOW I don't have things in my uterus keeping babies from implanting. You often wonder with BFN after BFN. Ask any questions if you want.

5. can a positive hpt 9 days after embryo transfer be reliable? - Well, if you didn't test the trigger out of your system, I wouldn't rely on it. 10,000 units can stay in your body up to 10 days, I think. Keep testing, and if the lines get darker, you're pregnant! :)

6. can the guy have morning sickness - Unless you gave him a HCG shot, no. *snickers*

7. clomid iui trigger triplets - Congratulations and yet, I'm sorry, because I know the risks. Be glad you're not like Suz who got quads on unmonitored Clomid and nothing else! Unmonitored clomid is scary.

8. do you still feel morning sickness if you have already lost the embryo - First off, I am so sorry you even had reason to search for this. I hope you were only worried of losing the embryo but it didn't occur. If the embryo has left your body, I don't think you can still have it, although a miscarriage can wreak havoc with your hormones and emotions. *sigh* But if you haven't miscarrried the baby and yet it's not alive inside you, you can definitely have awful morning sickness, because in a missed miscarriage there is still HCG in your system.

9. has anyone got pregnant with a 6 cell, day 3 embryo - Yes! We put back a 3 day, 6 cell embryo (Grade B, with A being the best) and a 3 day, 5 cell (Grade B). I got pregnant, not sure from which one. I did miscarry, but I was pregnant for a little while.

That's all for now. In a few days I'll post an update on how I'm doing. Overall, better. Bad times and good times. You guys are great.

How Things Are

2007-10-22T08:59:00.000-04:00

Week #2 has started. I feel like I just lived through losing the baby. J and I were talking last night and he feels like it's been ages ago. It's just different, the long-term effect. I knew it would be and that is ok with me. He is over his grief for the most part while I still am experiencing it in a real way.

Have you every had two delicately chained necklaces somehow get thrown too quickly back into your jewelry box, only to pay for it later when you tried to retrieve them? They're a tangled mess, compounded if they look alike. I used to be the go-to girl in my family for tangled necklaces. I'd diligently labor over those things with my fingernails (well, as a violinist, my left hand had none), untangling it piece by piece. In under an hour, I'd have the necklaces separated and a very happy sister. Even in marriage, I've translated that into helping my husband with fishing wire and a very tangled net... No cutting, just long hard work.

Well, I've discovered my feelings over this miscarriage are much like two tangled necklaces. I discovered I am actually grieving TWO things. The immediate grief, sorrow, and hurt was over losing over baby, our baby's death, never knowing what our baby looked like, never getting to hold it, the hopes of this pregnancy destroyed, losing our firstborn.... This is expected, understood.

But after living through my first week of realizing our baby's death, my feelings the second week turned different. The cutting grief wasn't the same. I was... depressed. I was able to cook and do laundry and work again. But the house brought a deep-seated gloom over me. Quiet thoughts turned dark. I wasn't crying as much, but it was so hard to keep from a creeping saddness over me. I wondered why I should be depressed, when I know our baby has now never known sin, never been separated from Christ, and is being cared for by the one who loved it so much He gave His life for it.... And then I saw the second chain... I began to untangle the different emotions...

I was depressed because of what it took to get pregnant. Twenty-six months to get that baby... 7 medicated cycles, three of them IUIs, one of them IVF. 17 retrieved eggs, 8 embryos with only 3 (for now) surviving (the two we transferred, the one that froze). A few thousand dollars. 31 PIO shots... and now the knowledge that we have a few months to try ourselves, but J's deployment will take 2-3 months from TTC and we miss out on WH's Jan IVF cycle, so we wait until May. So there is my secondary grief. Actually, I don't grieve over that, I'm just depressed looking at all it may take to even get pregnant agian. But weren't we lucky? IVF #1 worked. That doesn't mean IVF #2 will. I keep forgetting not to assume that. Sheesh, so much to think about.

So, last night I called a dear friend who I've emailed for a while, but not talked to on the phone/person since her sister's wedding in June 05. Since she married and moved away, we just haven't been phone people. And it's been fine. But she went through secondary IF and 2 miscarriages before she got her 2nd child. She knows the pain of IF plus miscarriage (an inner circle of Dante's hell, I'm sure). I knew from emails that even with baby #2 she still grieves those two lost babies and misses them. So I talked to her about the new depression. And she listened and validated what I'll feel. She talked about how normal these stages are. She let me talk about our baby (which I want to so much!). She talked about hers. It just helped give me a feeling that I'm not so alone or so crazy or so obsessed. It's ok to think and talk about our child and how afraid I am of what it'll take to get another one to stick around.

I got off and talked to J, that's when he told me he doesn't grieve anymore. And I didn't feel sorry for myself, we are opposite and complimentary, and one's weakness is the other's strength. I know his new emotions don't mean he doesn't care. Not in the least. I'm glad we can talk. He doesn't thinking I'm prolonging my pain. He doesn't think I'm dwelling on it for my purposes. I talked about having only two people (IRL) understand my tangled necklaces of miscarriage with IF. At first he thought I was getting into an me vs them, but as we talked he said he recognized the difference in people's reactions and how they couldn't get it.

So, I don't feel depressed today. I do feel like someone's asked me to hike the Grand Canyon down and up again with no assurance of food or rest at the end of it (I've actually hiked the canyon, so I know what I'm talking about!). Am I weary? Yes. Do I want to go hiking? No way. But I'm promised nothing if I just stay here. So I will climb. I may slip and scream and cry, but I will accomplish the purposes this has been put into my life for. Let's Climb.

Post-Miscarriage Perspective

2007-10-19T08:42:00.000-04:00

So, I've almost completed a full work-week since we lost our baby. It's been harder and easier than I anticipated. I did not talk to people and return calls (on the phone) aside from family until Wednesday night. Then I at least felt up to calling back my old friend & life-group leader's wife. It was a good conversation. She let me say everything I felt like saying... I talked about how the miscarriage happened, my daily struggles, my hurt spirit, and our grief over losing this baby after IVF. She never offered any "advice" or tried to help me see a "silver lining" she just listened! She did offer some praise for how we were handling this, which when you feel like you're drowning and failing in misery and sorrow, was welcome to hear. She did mention since I'm not really struggling with anger or questioning God, I might struggle with weariness of this long trial. Totally nailed it, without my ever having recognized it. We are weary of struggling to have a family. With that comes a sort of numbness to "What's next." IVF #2? 7 months away? All right, whatever. I need perspective and hope renewed in my heart, because for now I'm just weary. But knowing what you need is half the battle... right?

On the other hand, I tried to call another friend yesterday, but the conversation was anything but helpful. I know she cares & loves us. No question there. But she was in such a hurry to tell me "you sound like you're doing really good." I felt like she didn't really want me to talk and mainly was interested in hearing anything good... in a hurry to reassure herself I was fine. I felt that way on the phone with another person that day too. So I stopped conversing and let them fill in the rest of the call with whatever they wanted. She even asked, "What's been the most comforting to you?" And honestly, when people tell me they're praying for comfort, I feel like yelling "I don't need comforting!" Definition literally means "to make comfortable", but also means "soothe, console, reassure, relieve in affliction." Am I being crazy? I don't want to be comfortable, reassured, and I cannot be relieved of this! I want perspective and I want grace to handle this. I want hope for the future. But grief is grief! I can't stop missing our baby, but I can sorrow over it less as time fades that grief. I can be assured God loves our child and us, so He will cause this to work for good (Rom 8:28). But comfort? No.

I actually want to address this gently to my sweet friends, generally anyway. But I don't yet have a good enough handle on what I need instead of comfort (in a less verbose way of what I said above). Thoughts, sweet friends who have gone before me here?

I do actually cry less. Sometimes I still feel crushed with how long it will take to do IVF again. April/May 2008. Since our previous IUIs didn't work, at this point we don't see any use forking out 2 tickets to SAT just to try them while waiting. Yeah, we never did a complete injectable/IUI. If I knew we could freeze sperm for cheap I might do it (either while J is deployed, or just so we don't have to buy him a ticket every time I go). Now, our insurance will pay for everything (drugs,blood,ultrasound) used to treat infertility if used with NATURAL intercourse (i.e. no IUI/IVF). I've played with the idea of using an RE in Atlanta just to get a 2nd opinion and maybe see if they'd try some medicated cycles w/with us. I don't know though. I wonder somtimes about pumping my body full of hormones for cycles with little past success and how it'll affect my future health. Plus, it's still 2 hours one-way and maybe insurance won't cover everything. But the idea of only natural TTC by ourselves until April/May just seems such a waste! 7 months! (Well, count 2-3 out b/c of deployment.)

Well, I meant to talk about my grief but got carried away with future treatments... Wednesday night we went to bed and talked about losing the baby, and ended up crying in one another's arms. It actually helped to see my husband cry again, since he hadn't since Sunday and I felt he still was pretty upset about it. It helps to heal together, to ask the hard questions, and to be honest about our very real future fears. At least we're in this together.

(P.S. I'm so glad you all liked the picture, it truly was the happiest day of our lives and we're still very much in love!!!)

Introducing Us...

2007-10-17T09:34:00.000-04:00

Originally I started this blog wanting anonymity. It was at a time where I couldn't do treatments easily because we'd moved 1000 miles from the military infertility clinic. I also had recently encountered some really frustrating insensitive comments and such from super-fertile friends (hereafter called SFFs). I needed an online community (outside of forums) of ladies who GET IT. I needed the freedom to vent about my "friends" and not be afraid of being found.

As time has gone on, I've had less issues with my SFFs. I'm actually not so afraid of begin found anymore, but I honestly can't imagine being found by SFFs. Why would they come across an IF blog? I keep an entirely separate blog for IRL friends (being military we move so much, it's the only way to stay in touch w/people all over). I have seen people google my & my husband's names to find it. So I won't ever use our full names here, for that reason. What I'm not concerned about is you guys knowing who I am in real life.

With all that blathering, basically I'm trying to say, I care about my online friends and I like those who I actually can picture. So, I'm going to post a picture of us... On the happiest day of our life (3 1/2 yrs ago), this was my husband and me. Just so you all can get an idea of who we are. Because after this loss, you women have been SO AWESOME. Even the smallest "I'm sorry" has meant so much. I can't imagine going through this w/o you amazing women. I hope I can be as good to you all as you are to me.

I am actually feeling better. I am slowly piecing my life and emotions back together. The healing is coming slowly, but you can't just keep crying. I miss our baby, but I desperately want to try again.

34 Hours Later...

2007-10-15T11:03:00.000-04:00

Well, I've had two mornings to wake up now in my un-pregnant state.

I miscarried about 1am Saturday night/Sunday morning, and we got home from the ER about 3am. I awoke at 7 and for the first time faced the reality: I had not baby in me anymore. I was not sustaining another life. I was not pregnant. The reality of this was overwhelming - this deep down horrible feeling of hope against hope that this was a nightmare - but not real! And yet, nothing changed this fact! I had lived through the previous night. I had bled, cramped, and passed my sweet baby. This was all real.

Yesterday was so hard. Everytime I get a hold of myself for a few minutes, I find myself unexpectedly weeping and feeling this crushing grief all over again. What makes it worse is seeing my husband cry. Seeing the anguish on his face. Watching him clench his fists and cry for only me to see.

I hate the word miscarriage, because in not even the slightest way does it communicate the depths of what was lost. Not a pregnancy - a BABY. A child with J's features and mine, one of our own making. Our own child we will never see, never know, never even hold. How did I now know the utter unrelenting hurt would feel this way? You just don't know until you've been though it. We loved that baby from the moment WH called and told us we had 8 embryos. From the time 2 were placed in me, I was caring for them. We prayed for them every day, J would put his hand on my stomach and kiss it and tell them they were loved. These were real children. We have lost our firstborn.

I try to go about my life today. J has to work. I theoretically don't (home office). I packed up all my progesterone, needles, estrogen, and BFP tests yesterday and put it in the bag with all this IVF cycle's drugs. I will not throw it away, but it needs to be out of sight for now. I want to do something to remember this child. There are some beautiful charms at http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-infant-loss.html that I think I'll get. J gave me a charm bracelet when we were courting that had a heart and our initials on it... rather as a promise we'd get through it and get married. So it's special to me and I want to remember our baby. We loved it and we'll never have another firstborn.

Grief and sadness catch me at every turn. I'll be fine and then receive an email from someone - perhaps with more details than I ever knew about their life and previous losses. Everyone's kindness and prayers have humbled me... and I'm so grateful to not be alone. I can't seem to wash my face or shower without dissolving into uncontrollable sobs. Something about the water rushing over my face frees me to cry as I please.

We miss this baby so much. I anticipate a lot of grief triggers in the future... Pregnant friends, new babies, June 3rd, maybe even IVF #2 will be hard. We will get back on the list at WH for April 08 (our original slot anyway). If J weren't deploying we could take January. Until then, we'll TTC naturally, with what time we have. I don't think I'll ever stop fearing losing a baby again, though, even at full term.

In terms of God, I am not angry with Him, I do not feel mistreated. I would rather deal with the pain of losing a baby than to never have had this one. I did get pregnant. I don't know Why I've been chosen for IF and Miscarriage, but I will walk through it. I'll be real and imperfect, but I will try to let my feelings not rule what I know to be true. Which is God's character never changes. I don't always know His plans, but He calls Himself faithful, merciful, compassionate. And I believe it. I may feel far from His goodness right now, I may feel I've been given more than I can bear, but I AM bearing this, aren't I? J and I are trying to walk through all this means. I want to feel everything and hopefully heal, together. Thank you ALL for your kind, thoughtful, sweet comments. They mean SO MUCH. I was checking my email all day yesterday, getting comfort from every little comment. You are all such a support.

Our Little Angel

2007-10-14T07:45:00.000-04:00

Last night, at about 1am, our sweet little baby went to be with Jesus.

I had some light blood show up at 7pm with cramping, and we went to the ER to get an ultrasound. In the 7 hour wait, I miscarried our precious little one. I saw it... Yes, there had been just one. An ultrasound confirmed no fetal pole, no yolk sac. My blood HCG beta was already down to 42.

J and I are very sad and mourning our precious child in heaven, who only had a little over 2 weeks on earth in my womb. We don't doubt God, but this hurts all the more for what it took to get here. Pray for us.

Update? Ok!

2007-10-09T09:32:00.000-04:00

So I've been MIA for a little bit. It's odd to try to think of stuff to say on an IF blog when I don't have IF stuff to obess/rant/talk about. However, I can't stop myeslf from reading YOUR blogs, dear readers, so I might as well give you a new page to see here too!

I see my candy post struck some chords.... although not everyone wanted to be tempted with yummy pictures every time they came here... However, since Searching asked for a recipe for the brownies, here it is. http://www.tootsie.com/recipe/a_creamy_mint_brownies.html Unfortunately, I went with pumpkin pie for my dessert of the week, but next week I'll do these. I absolutely abhor frosting in a can, so I plan on making my own. However, I think box brownies are pretty decent.

Now some of you have asked how I'm feeling. Mostly, really well. Hardly different. I tend to get exhausted quicker, but the two times I've really done it were already exerting days. Both times we woke at 5 and proceeded on one day to walk all of Charleston and delay lunch until 3-4pm! The other day (yesterday) husband went hunting and I did house chores, then we went to the GA fair and pigged out, rode 3 non-violent rides (though one did spin around), and it was 90 degrees in jeans and no shade! All that combined to wear me out, which would not have been normal.

The one non-comforting thing is cramping. Starting Thursday night, I had bad cramping. On a 1-10 scale maybe a 7. I think it was gas, as meds and a warm bath took it down to a 2-3. But every evening pretty much I get cramps lasting from 1-2 hours. Usually only a 2-3 level of pain. They feel a LOT like AF cramps. Last week I was 5 weeks 2 days when they started, and that's usually when women are JUST finding out they're pregnant. I think it is normal, as there are no other symptoms (no bleeding/spotting, no fever) and it's always in the evening. I tell myself I may call my ob and ask, but I rather think I know what they'll say. It's not a big deal w/o other symptoms, perhaps they would up my ultrasound date, but even if there is something wrong, I don't think at 6 weeks (today) you can do much about it. Thoughts?! I have never been here before, but I tend to think I'd know if something were wrong. I do find myself taking pregnancy tests every 3-4 days, fearing I may not still be pregnant. Still 2 lines, so I guess I'm ok.

I had my ultrasound date moved from Monday to Tuesday, b/c I switched practices to one further, but who has a midwife! She works under 2 ob's and you have appts with each of them so in case you need them for a c-section/emergency you know them. But she encourages you to have a birth plan and will let you do unmedicated and try to place you with a nurse in the hospital who is good with your type of plan. SO what I want. Anyway, but it did move my ultrasound date. And that's all my news.

Candy!

2007-10-03T10:13:00.000-04:00

Ok this post is just to prove what a candy addict I am... plus, as autumn comes so with it come the myriad of wonderfully yummy treats orange and brown to entice your taste buds! I have been baking about one homemade treat a week and I bought new stuff I'm anxious to try out! Come over to dinner so I can have an excuse to bake!

Seriously, I try not to make sweets just for J and me, unless it's in a small amount so we won't have too much and end up unhealthy and overweight. I did make 6 "haloween" cupcakes last night: white cake batter with haloween-colored sprinkles inside, a pale orange almond-buttercream frosting, and appropriate colored sprinkles or black spider-webs frosted on top. I'm thinking of taking 2 to my friend tomorrow, so we each only have 2 each.

Anyway, at Cracker Barrell the other night I came across the new Caramel Apple Sugar Babies and, being a die-hard Sugar Babies fan, had to indulge (or rather, J did since he paid). I can't say I love them, but as a lover of caramel apples (and things like apple jolly ranchers, caramel apple cow tails, and caramel apple pops) they are a very enjoyable.

I also want to try these:

They both seem like wonderful autumn treats. Plus I'm constantly becoming addicted to seasonal treats just so I can drive everyone crazy with my inability to get them the other 9 months out of the year (such as Coffee Mate's Pumpkin Spice and Gingerbread creamers)!

Anyway, I bought these at the store last week & now want to ues one of them to make a dessert for church small-group this Sunday. The Creamy Mint Brownies look so good!

2nd Beta Results

2007-10-02T13:59:00.000-04:00

My 2nd beta, 48 hours after my 1st one, resulted in a 153. Up from 56, this was a doubling-time of 33.1 hours. Quite good, since all they look for is a doubling time of 48 hours. May be one, may be two. Only ultrasound will tell, everything else is just speculation!

I have an ultrasound on 10/15, where I will be 6 weeks 6 days. I am hoping we can see a heartbeat(s), but know it may be a little early. It looks like J can make it that day too. I would have preferred one at 6 weeks and one at 8 weeks, but apparently they like you to be 7 weeks. Close enough.

The PIO shots are interesting. Even though they supposedly don't have to be done at the same time every night, since stims did for IVF, I have this feeling that the closer I get them timed the same time every day, the better I am doing. My time is 8:00. So far this has yielded 1 shot in an airport bathroom, 1 shot in the parking lot of Home Depot, and 1 shot in Cracker Barrell's bathroom. I'm so quick at it now, I'm out in about 90 seconds. I am SO glad I got over needing ice or heat when I started IVF meds, because otherwise this would be a serious issue. I don't knwo how long I have to be on them. The paperwork says 7 weeks, then switch to vaginal (with no timeframe), which I know my clinic doesn't give and I haven't the slightest desire for! I could ask, but for now I'll just use what I have and ask next time they call me (10/16 maybe).

Now, before I was worrying about feeding anyone else, I typically skipped breakfast (well, I had coffee), had a light lunch (say, an apple or some celery or some raw nuts or a salad) and then had a typical dinner with a lean meat, a salad, and two steamed veggies. Some sort of small candy/chocolate every day. Yes, not healthy. But I work at a computer all day and the sedentary nature of that keeps my appetite low. I also have always been deathly scared of gaining weight simply because of being married. I have wanted to stay my same weight/size, and this course of eating has accomlished that. Mind you, we are fairly active in our hobbies and I worked out (pre-IVF) with aerobic or treadmill, so it was a health/weight thing. Plus, when you work in a home office it's just a bother to have to get up and make yourself something. However, since start of meds on this IVF cycle, I made an effort to be healthier and eat 3 well-rounded meals. My BMI was one the edge of low, and I was afraid my body wouldn't support a pregnancy. I tried homemade granola or cereal in the morning, mid morning fruit/dairy snack, sandwich or soup for lunch, mid-afternoon snack, and my usual dinner. Ever since discovering that someone else was relying on me for their nutrition, I've been a bit paranoid about eating. I eat once every 2-3 hours. I have been attempting to keep it fresh and nutritious (fruit/veggies/dairy/nuts). But I get tired of eating. What do I do?

As much as I am thrilled beyond words and grateful to be pregnant, I guess I thought I would be tempted to be obsessed with it. But I'm not. We vacationed in Charleston this weekend and barely talked baby stuff. Yes we talked of names and a nursery, and we prayed for it/them every day, but that was it. We just were our normal selves - a couple in love spending a romantic get-away.

And this, I love. This is what my husband and I have done together, but it is not ALL who we are. It is part of us. But our friendship and realtionship is first and should always be. I'm wistful for our sweet times together and grateful we have them. I was before, too, but I'm grateful I'm not all about being pregnant.

And so, with very little to say right now, I'll end this. I will COMPLETELY understand if some of you sweet, wonderful, caring, generous bloggers still going through IF without your BFPs decide to stop reading my blog. I know once certain bloggers made it over the hump, I was less inclined to visit their sites. I only HOPE and PRAY you all will have reasons to rejoice soon.... I feel very undeserving to be where I am. But I will keep reading your blogs, simply because I have a sincere interest in your plights and want to offer any sympahty, advise, or info I have. Thank you for being my friends.

9/26 1st Beta

2007-09-26T14:22:00.000-04:00

Sunday was a day that both J and I were really discouraged at this whole thing. I was counting on myself being a multiple IVF'er. Over a lovely brunch in Atlanta, we talked generally about ideas for future plans. WH only cycles 3/x a year, with the next being Jan & then April. Huge chance he'd be deployed in Jan, & if that's even a possibility they won't let you on the list. So it looked like further ART attempts would be a while out. But in the meantime, start adoption paperwork. We DO want to use our frozen embryo, but FET's are twice the cost of IVF and with just 1 frozen, we don't feel like it's really giving it a good shot. Anyway.....

However, after a discouraging day Sunday, Monday I saw the faintest of faint positives. I almost didn't believe it. Never seen that before! I was... optimistic, and scared. Tuesday, perhaps a little lighter line, but still a line. Pink, too, coming up within 10 minutes. Remaining there. I've seen an evap line in the past, but never this. I was actually eager to go to the beta blood draw, since I originally thought I'd be just "getting it over with."

This morning, faint positive, but darker than before. More clear. The Quantitative beta HCG (thank God I know the difference between qualitative and quantitative, b/c the doc almost messed that up) was a huge hassle that took 2 hours to complete. WH gave me an order for it, but the hospital said it didn't have a diagnosis on it. I drove to base and got a doc to put a diagnosis on it and sign it. Then the hospital said the doctor's signiature wasn't legibile enough & I needed to know his first name (which I didn't! Doctor/Major is all I knew!). Finally they made a call & got that.

So I waited, and 1:12 Dr. A called from WH. Told me (real straight faced) I had a positive beta, and to repeat Friday, and when they got the results he'd order a 6-8 wk ultrasound. "We'll see if this is viable" was his words. No congratulations. Did so much for my already nervous/cautious optimism. However, for now I am pregnant. I have gotten farther than ever before. So I'll take that for what it is and give thanks for That! Dr. A is such a crank anyway, I didn't want him to make the call. Maybe Dr. J will call me Friday, he's the nice one. Or Dr. N. (BTW, 13dp3dt beta= 56.4)

J is flying all day and fobidden me from telling anyone but my married sister. My EDD is 6/3/08, right between her girls' birthdays (6/6/04, 5/20/06).

With all my family drama I can't wait to give Mom & Dad the good news. They're leaving Friday-Sunday to bring my grandparents back from CO to live in a home near them. They're overwhelmed w/ their workloads and "damage control" so I feel it's sort of God's way of shining a little happiness and optimism into our lives.

I do not want to take one day for granted, and I don't want to write the end of God's story. He could take this baby (babies?) away from us now, but He still would have done something for us that He's previously withheld. So I want to be thankful and grateful, yet hold this with an open hand and heart.

Honestly, my thoughts are "I don't deserve this." I tear up thinking of all your ladies on here with multiple failed IVFs. With even one failed IVF. If I had not gotten a + beta, I know I'd struggle with feeling like "I don't deserve this, Lord." Either way, his sharp pruning or his gentle nurturing, it's not deserved, because it's not about me, it's about His character, which is the same yesterday, today, and forever. But for now, my heart aches for those hurting, still waiting, perahps a bit despondant. I KNOW THIS FEELING. I am crying now. How I wish we could all be joyful and through this together.

Embryo Quality???

2007-09-21T12:52:00.001-04:00

Ok so I skimmed over my fertilization/embryo one-page report after Transfer, but never looked very close.

Also, I just re-read my HCG trigger dose.

I have concerns about both in terms of the doctor's communication. The HCG I think was done wrong (I got a 2500 dose rather than 5000). The embryo thing, I think they just didn't communicate as well as I'd have liked.

Can you guys give me thoughts?

HCG trigger: My Estradiol level at Day 10 of meds came back at 4944. I had a follicle over 21mm & ones close behind, which was the cutoff for trigger. The dr said b/c I had such a high E2 level, he didn't want me on the whole HCG dose just so the smaller follicles wouldn't catch up & me possibly overstim. Fair. However, the regular 10,000 does instruction paper says:
Mix 1 ML water w/ powder. Draw 1 ML mix into needle. Inject 1ML.
My dr scratched out & wrote:
Mix 2 ML water w/ powder. Draw 1 ML mix into needle. Inject 1ML.
Now do the math. I doubled the water & then injected half. By doing both I got 2500 HCG (when he clearly wrote & told me 5000). Right? Shouldn't he have said mix 1 ML water & inject 1/2 ML? Or have you guys done this & it's right?

Embryo Fertilization: We were told we had 17 eggs retrieved, 15 mature, 8 fertilized (1 latecomer). Maybe the dr DID mutter something about others than fertilized & wouldn't have been normal, it was hard to hear. My sheet says:
7 fertilized w/ 2 pronuclei
1 fertilized w/ 1 pronuclei (don't know which one that was)
3 fertilized w/ 3 pronuclei (multinucleation, I think this is called)

So honestly we got a better fert rate than I thought (11 out of 15), but just some abnormal embryos, i.e. non viable. Isn't that interesting? Has anyone else gotten this? I don't know if this is good or bad, 3 sounds like a lot to have an extra pronuclei, therefore a whole extra set of chromosomes. Bad eggs? Not a clue! Who knows something?

And no I'm not upset or even worried. Just interesting! If there's a next time, I'm totally reading this stuff ahead of time (not like they gave me a chance too, I got the paper as I left ET!)

IVF #1 - Freeze Report & Thoughts

2007-09-21T09:42:00.000-04:00

Well, in this TWW time, I have been trying to spend quite moments pondering the many things I have to be grateful for in this ICF cycle. Yes, I had some disappointments, but I have things to be grateful for!!! We got to retrieval and had a good nubmer of eggs! No OHSS! We got to transfer with a good nubmer of embryos! And one precious little one made it to blastocyst stage and is now cryopreserved! I have much to be grateful for.

Honestly, after reading a lot of blogs I imagined IVF as this huge deal. I imagined it so emotionally and physically draining I'd only ever want to do it once or twice. But honestly? For me, it was like an IUI - with more appointments. Retrieval was a breeze (although putting on a gown and getting an IV made it seem like it wouldn't be). I will admit that up until Transfer, I was ready to say it was the same emotional investment as an IUI. BUT... Getting the report on our embryos (that we only had 8, that the best growing was only 6 cell, that they were all B grade but no A's), that was emotionally hard. I cried, because I did not anticipate anything other than a few prefect ones (silly, yes)! And then knowing of those 6 left, only 1 kept growing - a bit sad. So, yes, the emotional investment is bigger. But not unweighty.

This TWW has been amazingly easy. I bought a bunch of HPT's before IVF and planned on testing every day from transfer on (to watch the trigger go out). However, I didn't have them with me in San Antonio. When I got back, I tested as 3dp3dt and got a -. But until then? I didn't test until this morning (neg). I just haven't felt the need to know every second what's up. If I'm pregnant, I am. If I'm not, God is still good and this was just His plan. I don't think it serves me any to obsess about symptoms and what's a "line." Now I plan on testing probaly tomorrow, or Sunday, a few more times until my beta (Wednesday), so that I can be prepared and not have to have a doctor deliver me the news.

So, here's just a hello & that I'm alive. But I'd like to leave with this awesome quote from Polishing God's Monuments, a book I can't recommend enough. Love it!

"Christian common sense should also remind us that divine revelation is always a far more reliable barometer of reality than our personal perceptions. Don’t always be awash in how things seem; anchor your faith on how divine revelation days they are. With that adjustment, one can trust his goodness even when God may not seem to be good; one can trust he is acting in character even when he may not seem to be measuring up to his own revealed profile; one can trust his power even when is seems he is weak; one can trust his faithfulness even when it seems he is not being faithful.
Is that bind faith? No, not at all. It is humble faith. But doesn’t that seem like gullibility? No, it is patience – with a biblical memory.
That was Job. Did the faith of a poor tormented soul ever look as misplaced as his stubborn faith? He was frustrated out of his mind and bewildered to the bone, yes, but in the end unyielding, “Though he slay me, yet I will trust in him!” (Job 13:15). Then, finally- after forever it must have seemed – the Lord intervened and vindicated Job’s trust, restoring his fortunes greater than before. What a historical monument for any confused by the inscrutable ways of God.

"Patience with a biblical memory" - what a great way to say that! More later.

IVF #1 - Transfer

2007-09-14T17:12:00.000-04:00

Well, as you all knew, on Wednesday (24 hours after Retrieval), we received a call from WH stating of the 17 eggs they got, 13 were mature (this is common to have immature ones in the group). Of those 13, 7 fertilized. Our next report was this morning.

When we went in for the Transfer this morning, we were told one extra embryo fertilized late, so we had 8 now. However, none of them were perfect quality (meaning, no fragmentation in the cells). No one agrees upon a grading scale/method, but WH uses A-D, A being no fragmentation, B minor fragmentation, etc. D's rarely make it I think, because they're severely fragmented. Anyway, all of ours were B's.

They also look for them to be 7-8 cells on Day 3 (Transfer Day). We didn't have any with that many, but we had a 6-cell, 3 5-cells, 2 4-cells, and 2 3-cells. The 3-cells they do not expect to keep growing. Whatever is still growing on Sunday will be frozen. It may be all, may be none, we don't know. We were offered a chance to transfer 3 (highly unusual considering my age!), but considering that we had no perfect embryos I guess they thought it worth offering. We chose to only transfer the 6-cell and a 5-cell, simply because we did not think we could honestly pray for a triplet pregnancy/babies.

I AM a little discouraged, given my age and our "unexplained" status, that we didn't get anything better. But the Lord has been in control and it remains that way. Thank you so much for all your love and prayers. No matter what, I get a blood test on 9/26 to determine the outcome of all this. So until then just pray for the survival of these two embryos inside me. J flys home tomorrow, I fly home Monday. I'm resting a lot until then. :)

I've only done two of the Progersterone in Oil shots. I have to do this 2 weeks if not pregnant, 7 weeks if pregnant. The first was a breeze... the 2nd, I think I hit my sciatic nerve, because I woke up at 4 in intense pain and could not sleep after an hour w/o Tylenol! So I've got to get better at that.

If you want to see actual pictures of what I'm talking about with cells and fragmentation, just click the pages below.

http://www.advancedfertility.com/embryoquality.htm http://www.ohiorepromed.com/embryo_grading.htm

IVF #1 - Fertilization Report

2007-09-13T15:05:00.000-04:00

WH called today & gave us our report.... Of the 17 eggs they retrieved, 13 were mature. That means 4 were not mature/large enough to have eggs in them. Of those 13 mature, 7 fertilized - over half!

We're (again) grateful to have gotten to this point.

Friday morning at 10 we'll go in for the transfer of the two best looking embryos. We're praying that all of them keep growing strong. Not all usually do, but all that are still growing by Sunday (5 day old embryos, at the blastocyst stage) will be frozen. We continue to ask for you prayers for these embryos to grow strong and well... all of them, if the Lord wills!

Thank you for all your comments! It's been SO BUSY being here in San Antonio trying to visit old friends and do funb stuff in the area, I've rarely been on the computer more than 5-10 minutes at a time. But once I get home (early next week) I'll start reading/commenting more faithfully.

IVF #1 - Retrieval!

2007-09-11T19:54:00.000-04:00

Retrieval was this morning at 10:15. Showed up at 7:30 & did some prep. I was totallly awake for it, remember everything (which I liked)! Mildly painful, right now I'm pretty comfortable resting at home with J (with Dunkin Donuts he got me)! I didn't even feel like I needed any painkiller, but thought it would make me feel a bit better, so I took Tylenol w/Codine. Bad move, made me nauseous (I told them I was allergic to hydrocodone & I guess I don't do well w/codine either).

They got 17 eggs!!!!! We are so blessed and happy at the news, and I'm especially delighted to feel so good. THANK YOU for all your prayers, well wishes, thoughts, they have been answered and have meant so much. I don't know WHAT the future holds, but we look forward to tomorrow. I know some or all may not fertilize, since we're unexplained, so I try to hold this lightly.

We'll receive a fertilization report tomorrow. More update then. If some fertilize, tomorrow night I do my first PIO shot.

IVF #1 - 9 Days of Meds - Ultrasound #4

2007-09-10T20:16:00.000-04:00

Went in yesterday morning for my blood work and ultrasound and got good news!

Lining: 10.6
Left: 18.3, 18.0, 17.9, 17.4, 17.1, 17.0, 16.5, 16.4, 16.1, 15.6, 15.2, 12.3, 12.0 (13 total)
Right: 20.6, 19.0, 18.8, 18.6, 15.0, 13.2, 12.0 (7 total)

Because there's one over 20mm, we did 5,000 HCG trigger shot last night & retrieval is scheduled for 10:15 Tuesday morning! My Estradiol level was 4944 (lots of growing eggs in there)!!! I did my last Ganirilex and 37.5 iu of Follistim Sunday morning.

J flew out Saturday and gets to be here until next Saturday! It is such an emotional and physical strength for me to have him here. So Tueday is Big Day #1. I consider Wednesday (fertilization day) as Big Day #2, and Friday (transfer day) as Big Day #3.

Lots of drugs to start on tomorrow night. My first PIO, I'm curious how bad it'll be. I did the IM trigger w/o icing the area wonder if I can do that too?

Can't wait for my first big day..... Thank you ALL for checking in!

IVF #1 - 6 Days of Meds - Ultrasound #3

2007-09-07T14:45:00.000-04:00

My newest update contains info from yesterday's appt. Today I started Ganirilex. I get seen again Sunday, and J comes in tomorrow. We were finally able to get him cleared to miss a week's worth of training (if needed). That was a huge relief. A ticket was a little under $500, but at first they looked to be $700+, so that sound not too bad. So, now, I am measuring:

Thursday Scan, Day 7 on meds (scans before 7th dose)
Left: 5 at 10mm, 3 at 11mm, 2 at 12mm, 4 less than 10mm (14 total)
Right: 2 at 12mm, 1 at 11mm, 1 at 10mm, few less than 10mm (4+ total)
Lining: 12.1

Stupid right ovary. Seriously, it upsets me how much different they are in production. Perhaps when we go in Sunday that'll be trigger day. If it isn't, I'll come in Monday & every day until the time, I think. Retrieval is 36 hours after trigger, I think.

Yesterday was a tough day emotionally and physically. The waiting and being without J has been tough. Not having a doctor who even cares about you is tough. Being told you'll get called back & not is tough. And waking up at 4am to get a decent nubmer at the clinic sucks. I wake up multiple times at night, afraid I've missed my alarm. I hate it. I picked up 2 dozen Krispy Kremes and took them to my appt Thursday, as a goodwill gesture. It made me feel good about myself even if the service there is crappy. I got about 2 1/2 minutes w/the doctor, enough for him to measure the follies & give me ganirelix. He said he didn't know what time the doc would do Sunday scans, so I'd get a call. Over 19 hours later, NO CALL. I left a message. Why is my favorite doc TDY?!?!??! I wish I were in Group 3 so I'd have him somtimes, since he comes back next week (I'm in group 2. Group 3 just had baseline yesterday). Oh well though!

In addition to that, the dear friend I'm staying with here went through 4 years of IF, conceived her 2 yr old on IVF, and was waiting to do a FET til next spring. She got preg outta the blue, 9 wks ago. Went in to date the baby's age, was told it was 6 wks old. Next few weeks had terribly hyper-emesis, went to hospital for fluids, etc. Last weekend (between my 2 trips out) she started spotting/cramping. Went in Tuesday (while I'm at WH) for ultrasound. I got home 1st, she walks in crying, "We lost the baby." Devastating! I hurt so bad for her!!! She had the D&C the next day (missed miscarriage), but after what IF takes you though, then to get preg & lose it like that - so hard to take! She is handling it wonderfully, trusting in God's grace. But it leaves me scared of getting preg with possibilities like that! I already see myself crazily needing doubling betas and ultrasounds every week.... Worrying. And I don't want to.

IN ADDITION, today my sister called crying b/c someone very close to us (can't tell who) has been addicted to cocaine & binging on alcohol & spent ALL of someone else's life savings (half a million!). Someone who they trusted. Everyone did. I can't even convey how NOT like this person this is. They were stable, reliable, Godly, etc. I've been crying off/on all day, going between anger, hurt, questioning, numbness. My parents will take on 100% of fixing all this, financially/physically/otherwise. My mom is inconsolable. There's so much to fix (like letting insurance lapse for months!). It's heartbreaking. I want to throw up as I write this. So, we grieve. And yet I can't even be near those I love to get or give an actual hug.

What a week. IVF pales in comparison to these things, but I am living in it right now, so I push forward. But this all feels so wrong. When someone you trust hurts you so bad, you feel like you can't trust anyone. And you feel like where is God. I know a lot of answers, so I don't exactly need them (my husband tried to comfort me with "wise words" and I ended up feeling resentful he wouldn't just cry with me). But we're so far down in this well I can't even see daylight. Please invervene, Lord. A lot of questions remain unanswered. J says I don't need answers. So I keep praying... a lot.

IVF #1 - 4 Days of Meds - Ultrasound #2

2007-09-04T12:29:00.000-04:00

So, after a terrific weekend in GA, I got back to San Antonio Monday night. Went in for my Tuesday appt and even though I arrived at 5:30 I wasn't the 1st! By the time all the ladies arrived for scans, there were about 20! It was ridiculous! I'm so glad I went early, that would have been such a hassle waiting around.

I got Dr. A, who's fine. In & out in like 3 minutes. I think he was impressed I didn't seem anxious/worried or have tons of questions. (that'll come later!). (& for what it's worth, there are only 4 docs at WH so I'm not silly enough to actually use their real initials, the letters I use stand for something to me. Not creative enough to use actual nicknames.)

So, Tuesday's scan, after 4 days of meds (150IU Follistim in am, 15cc HCG in pm) (taken on Day 5 before my morning dose) revealed:
Left: 12 less than 10mm, largest 7.8
Right: 4 less than 10mm, 10.2, 12
Endometrium: 6.7

I'm shocked my right is outgrowing my left, this has never happened. The aspirated cyst had fluid around it, but they said it was ok.

After my labs came back , they called & told me on Day 6 (tomorrow), take my Follistim down to 125IU. Guess my E2 is a bit high? So that works for me. My stomach is a bit sore around the injection sites, because I've done 2 on my right and 8 on my left - beacuse the 1st HCG on the right bruised badly! The soreness makes it hard to pinch the skin for th injection. Oh & I figured out Follistim hurts less than Gonal-f.

I scheduled my 1st IVF Accupuncture. I'll have 5 appts, the first will be 5-9 days pre-retrieval. Curious if I can stand it! This is all the update for today, thanks for coming by!!

Baseline Result for IVF #1

2007-09-01T10:19:00.000-04:00

I could not think of leaving you out of my updates, even though it's busy here w/ 5 guests in the house for Labor Day weekend! However, I'd love to tell how the appt went Thursday.

Remember, I flew from GA to TX on Wed for a Thurs appt, and planned on flying out Thurs afternoon after the appt back to GA, & return Mon night to TX for the Tuesday morn next appt. Then I'd stay there 2 weeks or whatever it took for stims, ER, ET, and any further follow-up. Yes, not as cost-effective, but I'm already going to be apart from my husband a long time as it is, and we'd planned on having friends over Labor Day Weekend. I figured this schedule was worth the cost/hassle. And no matter if I had something that forced me to stay in TX this weekend, I'd stay because of course IVF comes first. That was my mindset.

I woke at 4:00, left at 5:00 and arrived at the clinic at 5:30. Got nice & settled in to wait for the clinic to open at 6:30. For those unfamiliar with how WH does morning monitorings, see this post. Except the lab no longer keeps the ticket outside! So I have to try to get my ultrasound number and then hope I don't get a bad nubmer at the lab. :( Bleh.

I didn't know which doc I'd get for ultrasound, but I got my fav, a treat for this particular day!!! Because guess who had a cyst the first time in her life? Yep. Measuring 20x30mm, it was on the border of needing aspriation. I assume the 26 days of Ortho Novum 1/35 didn't do its job. (I hardly even got a period, too.) I hated being on BCP's anyway, especially since had my normal cycle run its course, I'd have started bleeding the SAME DAY as when I did on BCP's. Sheesh. The dr was so nice (gave me a hug hello when he saw me!). He was doing the ultrasound, and started on the Right, looked around a few seconds, and then sadly mumbled, "Oh Sweetheart, what's this?" He told me the cyst was small enough I might be able to proceed, but when my blood levels came back that would tell whether or not I needed it drained ('m assuming the E2 level would reveal that). He said he would call. He usually gives the feeling that I can take all the time I need to ask questions, but he seemed hurried today. I understood, IVF there is busy.

So, typically I'd have told him I was trying to fly out back to GA later that day, but I wasn't sure they exactly liked me being non driving-distance from the clinic - even though they don't want to see me again until Tuesday morning!!! So I told him if it needed draining no problem. I had to stick around until 10 for the injections/meds class anyway, and figured he would call anytime. Apparently he had a big meeting and wasn't even around to ask personally then (and my blood had been ready since 7 that morning!). I assumed his latency in calling must have meant things were ok. So I proceeded to get a ride to the airport to catch my 1:10 flight. I arrived there 12:20 and still made it to the gate w/time to spare. I did want to make it home on the original plan, but was very concerned to leave the city w/o his call. Sure enough, he calls and tells me the cyst needs draining. I told him I'd be there ASAP. A catch: he wanted me to take valium/percoset for the procedure, as it can be painful. This would prohibit me from driving myself back to the airport. I told him I preferred no meds so I could drive myself... & he ok'ed it (His words: "If you want to Civil War Style it, you can.) So I grabbed the quickest rental car I could get (cheaper than a taxi- I checked!) and headed back to WH.

I had called J & we prayed. I felt such peace about everything that was happened. Not worried about getting to GA that night, not scared about the procedure, not upset. Just peace. Even the gate agent kindly switched my flight to a later one.

I got to WH and was seen immediately. They were all a little amused at my desire for no meds, but got right down to business. Dr. J told me, "You know this room!" It was the same for my hysteroscopy. He said, "I met you here." How the devil does a doctor remember when & where they met you?!?! See why I love him? I'm not a number and a chart, I'm a person. The whole thing was over in about 30 minutes and was actually not very painful, although it was much more uncomfortable modesty-wise than an ultrasound. Not too fun. Another bonus from getting the cyst aspiration: that procedure is the exact same as the IVF Retrieval! That's the only part I was nervous about on this whole IVF (everything else I've experienced before!). Now, I've experienced that too, so nothing to be nervous about. Awesome!

So I jumped up and headed back to the airport. There was a flight leaving for ATL at 3:50 and one at 7:00 - I wanted to make the 3:50, but it was 2:50 as I was leaving. I had to drive 20 minutes, get gas, return the rental car, get a shuttle, get through security (but no bags to check), and make it to the gate - AND I DID!!!! The same gate-guy who switched my flight earlier switched it this time - he even asked if everything worked out ok! I had kind people all over the place. Weather prevented the plane from leaving until 7, but I did get back to GA!

I've never EVER had just one thing after another go so smoothly and so much peace surround my spirit. I don't think a lack of problems grows my faith as much as God's provision when problems arise. (Oh if I'd not had the cyst removed, we'd be out a few hundred dollars and the IVF would have been rescheduled for January.) I know the Lord is answering prayer. I know I can be level-headed often, but last time this happened (in April, on a trip for an IUI) I was so distraught! I felt kicked around and left bruised by it all, and mostly I felt alone. This was different.

My next appointment is Tuesday. I fly back out to SAT Monday evening. I'm eager to see my ovaries' development. They started w/ Right at 10 less than 10mm and Left 14 less than 10mm.

The one bad part: Dr J called me Saturday to make sure I didn't have any bleeding or nausea from the cyst removal. He said something like, "I don't know when I'll see you again. I wish I could do your Retrieval, maybe I'll be back by then." I always feel like I shouldn't ask drs too many personal questions, so I just said "Uh-huh" rather than ask what he meant, where he'd be, or when he'd return! So I know the next 2 week's stuff won't have him involved. I felt like crying the whole day, but now I'l just ready to return and get this done. Still, perhaps he'll be there for Transfer.

CD 26, BCP Day 22

2007-08-23T13:32:00.000-04:00

Just a little update to say in a week I have my IVF Baseline appt! I'm excited to start this, very bewildered where we'll be in a month. But ready to do this now.

Also, my temps were up for about a week, but since they've gone down now FF took off my Ovulation day. Apparently BCP's work. Haha. Only 3 more pills and am I glad. I hate that they're a part of the IVF protocol.

There's very little else to say now, but I've got this draft I need to get out about Infertility and God. But until I get around to that, I'll just be checking all your sites like normal.

And remember those ladies I mentioned? Grace Is Still Enough and Baby Wait could use some hugs.

CD 19, BCP Day 15 & Other Peope's Updates

2007-08-16T12:02:00.000-04:00

Ok so you fellow charters will have to help me on this. Have any of you still charted while on BCP's? Don't ask me why I guess after 2 years I just can't let go! (Plus the fact that according to my charting, my 1st 2 IUI's were performed after I ovulated!!!) Shoot, I'm gonna chart my IVF cycle, too! Anyway, I know birth control works in 3 ways, so in case one doesn't work the others hopefully will. 1. It should stop you from ovulating. 2. It should make cervival fluid hostile. 3. It should make endometrium hostile/thin to implantation. Now, #3 is exactly why my husband and I had a problem being on BCP ever - it could allow an egg to be fertilized, but not give it a place to implant. (Off topic: Although my research indicated the NuvaRing was WAY better at preventing ovulation than oral pills and if taken in conjunction with baby aspirin to keep the lining implant-able, we could do that in good conscience (and did). Shoot, clomid thinned the lining about the same as the Nuvaring!) My chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/135722

ANWAY - my point is, FF is telling me I ovulated on CD 12. My earliest before has been CD13. So early for me, but believable. What do you guys believe? I don't think it matters one way or another, but I'm facinated by this!

On a not-so fun topic, I got my 3rd ever UTI this weekend. Symptoms appeared Saturday morning, but with plenty of fluids and a long bath I figured I could wait until Monday morning's sick call at base and avoid a long day in Urgent Care. Sunday = Much worse! Still, a bath at 6am from the pain that kept me from sleeping and more fluids and pure cranberry juice helped me feel 100% better. So church and a lasy afternoon. At smallgroup that night something inside me snapped and we had to leave pronto & go straight to Urgent Care. I could barely sit/stand and not cry! It was horrific. At this point there's obvious blood now too. Ick. Classic symptoms. I was diagnosed quickly and sent to a 24-hour CVS. I couldn't even stand at the counter, and the pharmacits noticed. He looked at my perscription and kindly asked if I needed a bathroom. I camped out there the entire 8 minute wait. J told me the pharmacist said, "I'll get this ready in 5 minutes, you go tend to her." So sweet! Yeah, I barely made it home and rushed to a 2 hour long bath, 800mg ibuprofen, and some relief. The horrible part? I brought this on myself. Without giving out too much intimate details, it involved J and me taking a trip to the lake, a midnight swim, and some adult fun. Oh Brother! What an idiot. Lesson learned.

I'm almost 100% aside from nausea from the ci.pro and odd pains in my lower stomach. Today we leave for a wonderful trip to Florida for 4 days of relaxation and great times. How I'm excited for that!!!

I know some of you are at times of importance in your cycles (SquarePeg,- IVF waiting for growing report after a bit of a disappointing fertilization report, Our Own Creation - FET #1 expecting beta today, Grace Is Still Enough - waiting to surge for IUI #1, Baby Wait - crazy betas and pee-sticks needing to know if she's got a beautiful living baby inside!). Say a prayer, go over and offer support, we all can use it. Love you all ladies....

Ponderings

2007-08-15T10:06:00.000-04:00

While in church last Sunday, I had thoughts about how being in need actually increases our spiritual awareness.

When we were singing "Blessed Be Your Name", I realized times of suffering, pain, and darkness keep our spiritual senses acute. I know when I have a glaring need in my life, I am much more purposeful about times in the Word and prayer with the Lord. I recognize and know my need much more readily. Trials in life remind us this in not our home, and they remind us we're put here for more than earthly pleasure. Clearly there is something Eternal more worthy than all this.

I Peter 1:6-9 tells us, "In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

I sang: "Blessed be Your name, On the road marked with suffering, Though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be Your name. Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise, When the darkness closes in, Lord Still I will say, Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name. Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your glorious name."

I thought how singing this at times in church is easy, and other times it's hard. Sometimes a song like this takes faith to even say the words. How often in San Antonio as the church sang this I could barely choke it out, tears just pouring rapidly. So today, in what feels like the calm before the storm, I sing - knowing soon I'll be tested on calling Him blessed and praising perhaps in darkness. I hope I'm ready. I find myself thinking more and more about IVF next month, religiously checking the blogs of my current friends doing IVF to see whether theirs failed or succeeded - as if that had any bearing on us! I find myself unable to grasp how I'd feel if it were a complete failure. So I just pray for a ready heart.

CD 6, BCP Day 2

2007-08-03T10:33:00.000-04:00

My second day of BCP's. They are so tiny! I've never done BCP's so I found it interesting how they come packaged. I always wondered how someone didn't mess up the whole pill/placebo thing. I had my dr call in the perscription and he only called in one month's worth. At that time I didn't know exactly when AF would decide to come, and I knew it contained 21 pills, so that possibly could be enough. Well, AF showed on 7/29 and I was suppose to go in for CD3 blood work and to get my perscription. I was told to start on CD5 and take until Aug 26. I didn't do the math exactly, but it felt like I'd be a few pills short. When I got to the pharmacy the lady asked how many packs I was picking up.I said I needed 2, then she told me the dr only perscribed 1. So why'd she ask anyway! Agh. I tried to call the dr, but got a busy signal. Being too lazy to actually just walk over (same building, just a way's down) to Flight Medicine, I got my pills and left. I had pressing errands on base and had to be done to pick up J at 9:30.

I finished the errands and had time left over. So I then went back to Flight Medicine and tried to see the dr. He wasn't in, but the girl there said she could get another dr to perscribe me another pack (I was 6 short). She did, so I went back to the pharmacy. They were pretty slow! When they finally called me up, I got my stuff and left... and noticed they'd given me 3 packs plus 3 refills in the future!!! Sheesh.... Dr. L at the base knows I'm doing IVF (he had to order all the blood tests) but obviously the others thought I was just filling it for non-procreative purposes! Whatever. I figured if we have to do IVF #2 then at least I'll have the BCP's and won't have to worry about getting those.

I know my mom has been praying I wouldn't have to do IVF and would get pregnant naturally. I don't think she knows about the BCP's this month, so in her mind I still have one more chance. I still find it a bit hard that she can't fully support (rather, be happy with) our decision for medical intervention. Here's the funny part. If you have any sort of bodily aliment (even just a cold), she'll whisk you off to the dr and insist on medication! She rarely believes in letting your body naturally heal itself. But when it comes to IF, she hates doctor intervention and especially drugs! I think it's because she's a lady who baess other's experiences on what's worked for her. She & Dad tried 3 years to get pegnant with my oldest sister. She finally got pregnant and then I came 3 years later - so I think there was a few months of trying there. 20 months later the twins come. After that 4 more kids every 2 years, the last being when my mom was 41 - and they didn't particularly want it. She didn't need help, so why should I? Most of her stories - no, all I think! - are of friends with some sort of IF (she's never used that word - she just says "had trouble getting pregnant") that just prayed and tried, some up to 12 years. And finally it happened. I don't think she knows anyone who's adopted all their kids b/c they couldn't have any. So this colors her worldview a lot. Anyway, I still love her and tell her stuff, but I do not feel like I want to tell everything. My sister, & best friend after J, I tell everything to. And she really wants to hear. Even though she has 2 kids easily conceived (honeymoon baby & one 21 months later), she empathizes. I LOVE her!

Sorry to rant. 4 weeks to Baseline Appt. Sunny Texas! It'll be like a vacation, honestly. Visiting old friends and having fun. Plus I like my clinic and I don't dislike any of the drs (though I have my fav!).... So just waiting!

No Update Because Nothing Happening!

2007-07-17T16:14:00.001-04:00

Well this is my last month to conceive naturally before IVF #1! :) I know that sounds crazy, but that's how I look at it. I don't expect it, but it's different being 4 DPO and knowing at least there's a chance. With BCP's next month it'll be different.

I keep wondering, since we're unexplained, if no eggs will fertilize. Have any of you Unexplained gals had these thoughts? I just wonder if there's something we don't know that'll become apparent with IVF. It bugs me that the SART only has data through 2005 for my clinic and it says out of 156 cycles they only had 2 with "Unknown" diagnosis. That sounds irrational! And of those 2, 1 got pregnant (with twins I add) and 1 didn't. They both put back 2. Interesting. Their overall success rate is 58.3% per cycle. But I think with unexplained I'm an even 50/50 chance. You just don't know! Anyway, not that these numbers change anything, but c'mon, I have to have something to obsess about! :) (Seriously, I've only looked at them a few times every few months.)

In front of me at end of July I have Day 3 labs, I start BCP's 5 days after my new cycle, and I have a Baseline Appt Aug 30. I went ahead and used FF miles to get a ticket that leaves Wednesday the 29th and returns home Thursday afternoon Aug 30th. I know what morning appts are like (over by 9 at the LATEST). They said there's no injection class or anything that day, so catching my plane should be a breeze. Even if I missed it I'd just stand by for others.

I am surprised once I made the decision to be open about IVF how easy it is to talk about and how I rarely receive criticism or unsolicited advice. I think maybe because I'm asked a few questions and perahps I rattle them so much with my medical terminology they're temporarily too stunned to say "How about adoption?" Plus, I do tell them if this IVF cycle fails, even if we have extra frozen embryos, we're going to go ahead with pursuing adoption. Both J and I think this is right.

We finally decided what to do with our frozen embryos if we both die. Our friends in SA who've gone through IVF and have embryos of their own - they get responsibility for them. We're leaving a document with set instructions (no discarding ever, $$$ set aside for 10 years of preserving embryos, instructions as to who to try to give them to & if no one wants them the embryo adoption agency we want). Obviously I don't want this to happen, but we have to be good stewards and provide for their future as we would any live children we had.

Here's where I wonder if you guys think this odd. We agree to give these embryos life, and if J dies, we want me to still try to have the rest of the embryos (or if unreasonable, put them up for embryo adoption I guess). Is that odd? I never want to BE in that situation. Explaining that would be so hard. Ah the decisions ART has you face!!!

Baseline Date!

2007-07-02T09:42:00.001-04:00

Whoo-hoo! I got my baseline appointment date: August 30th! I start BCP's around the first of August, and last pill will be the 26th! I was afraid of having to take them for 2 months, but here it looks like 3-4 weeks! That makes me glad.

I'll fly out the 29th, early, for my peace of mind! Then I go in on the 30th at 6:30 for labs and an ultrasound. I've never had cysts that didn't leave the next cycle in my life, and with 2 months off meds, I could not imagine a problem (knock on wood!). I plan on flying out that afternoon back to GA. This means I get to spend Labor Day with my husband! Another thing to be grateful for. They can't tell me when I'll be back that next week, but I'm assuming Thursday/Friday. I'm glad I've done enough IUI's to predict somewhat how often I'm asked to come in.

I can't say how much this IVF has been a saving grace for my emotions. We are finally doing something agressive! It doesn't guarantee even a pregnancy, but we're trying! You see, when my cycle started this past Saturday, I wasn't upset and I didn't cry. Because it's just one more cycle closer to IVF. When I got home and checked a friend's blog (the friend who sent the sweet email on mother's day), I found out she's 9 weeks pregnant. I visited her last week in person and she said they were going to wait until late summer to try for #2. She had no idea (I totally don't relate to that)! When she'd told me that, I'd been thinking, "Good, maybe she'll only get pregnant a few weeks before my IVF and I won't find out until after mine is over and maybe we could be pregnant together. At least I don't have to find out before!" Ha! I was sincerely glad for her, and called her almost immediately. She was sweet. But late that night in bed, when I told my husband, the tears fell hard and fast. I don't know what it's like to be "surprised" by a pregnancy, and I certainly don't have the joy of producing a baby out of just the union of our love. And that pierces me deep down. As grateful as I am for IVF, I do mourn the loss of a dream.

But today, I made myself a pot of tea, went and got Day 3 labs drawn, and my annual gyn visit is this afternoon. That's the last thing to be done on our IVF checklist. Our check is sent & cashed, and now the waiting starts! Hooray. And in 2 days, I get to visit my family for July 4th and love on my 3rd old and 1 yr old nieces who I just adore!!!!

Sextuplets, High-Order Multiples and Hypocracy?

2007-06-27T11:56:00.000-04:00

I never intended to post about the whole Michigan and Ohio sextuplet issue. So many others have and it's quite a heated topic of discussion. Many seem to have very specific opinions about what they might do in such a situation, and deliver judgement on the doctors and families involved.

I am not offering a commentary on their cases, but one fact that comes up in every single discussion is these couple's religious decision to "trust God with life." Many point out that they think these couples are hypocritical, inconsistent and selectively applying when to "play God." The critics say that because these couples indeed used some form of fertility treatment, that surely must be playing God. Basically it boils down to people communicating that if you're choosing to "help" God by trying to get pregnant un-naturally, then for consistency sake you must be willing to "help" God kill life to stay pregnant and keep the maximum number of babies alive and healthy.

Am I wrong? If I am, I welcome comments right now, but that's the gist of everyone's argument as I see it.

Now, here is what I want to say. These views in fact are NOT in discord with one another. Basically, in manners of bio-ethics, many religious people will hold to general ethical principles. Some might be: beneficence, nonmaleficence, autonomy, and justice (considering if something does good, does no harm, respects the persons involved, and does what is right and equitable). But underlying all these is Respect for the Sanctity of Life (at the one-cell stage). It is the foundation for all decisions.

As many of you know, with drugs, IUI's, and IVF a pregnancy and live baby are not guarantees! Doctors cannot (yet) create and sustain life. That is something that currently is in God's domain. This is why religious couples can seek fertility treatment and not consider themselves to be "playing God" or choosing who gets to live. They are pursuing life, and that's all they can do.

Once life has been created, be it in perfect circumstances, bad ones, doctor's foolishness: It Is Life. And life must be honored/respected. Biblically (not discussing a religion here, just based on the Bible only), there is not any way out of a quadrupet, sextuplet, etc pregnancy. There is not a provision for preemptively trying to save one person's life (the mother, the other babies) by destroying another's.

Couples like the Morrisons, Masches, etc tried to help create life, and life happened. But just because they decide they cannot end it does not argue for hypocracy on their part.

Now, I DO want to say that if there has been any foolishness or lack of thoughtful decision making on the parents' parts, they are responsible in a little way for every little life lost. I don't mean to be cold. But for ANY couple pursuing fertility treatments, if at any time they were given the risks and they proceeded recklessly (perhaps natural intercourse when an IUI with many follciles was canceled) with a "God will protect us" or "God knows what we can handle" or "Each child will be a blessing from God" this is foolish and not to be condoned. And I would categorize it as laziness and lack of maturity on the part of the parents'. Because ART involves creating risks that natural conception would not usually entail, it should be proceed with much thought, wisdom, and sobriety. No life (the mother's, the children in the womb) should be gambled with.

In religious circles, sometimes it is taught that couples can proceed with ART while complying with all the ethical principles if they honor life at the one-cell stage. I think/hope that is what is at the basis of why these couples chose against Selective Reduction.

Now, for all you dear ladies who have read this who actually have walked the sad path of considering SR or even choosing it, I sincerely hope I have not offended you. I am not trying to put forth a judgement or an opinion that ALL must follow. We have different religions! I cannot answer for you or your husband's conscience, as you cannot for mine. I live by the ethics and principles I believe, but my beliefs are my own. I do not look down on any woman who has had to face such a heart-wrenching decision. I do not believe you will be punished for your conscience's choice.

I really wanted to write this because I believe no one out there could get a grasp on why these famlies are perhaps not as hypocritical as many think. Now, flame me. :)

Nuthin Big Goin On Here

2007-06-15T09:57:00.000-04:00

So... I got the call and it looks like my baseline apointment will be the last week in August.
The first week in September I'll need to be in San Antonio, because I'll start my stims & be in 2-3 times for ultrasounds and blood work. Personally, I enjoy the monitoring because it gives me a feeling of control as well as an early start on the day!
Then the 3rd week of September I'll have ER & possibly ET.
What didn't make sense to me was, what do I do the 2nd week of September? I guess I'm assuming there's a possibility the end of that week could be ER, I guess it just depends on WHEN in the 1st week of Sept I actually start stims.

All you IVF pros out there: What day did you start stims (CD1? CD3?) and what day was ER? I know it's different for everyone, but I'd like a general idea! :)

For what it's worth, I ovulated last night. I never cease to think perhaps this could be our lucky month. But there's a lot less pressure for it to be, knowing IVF is just 2 cycles away. I have to send our check in early next week, and once they have it if we cancel there's a $350 administrative fee if we have to cancel the cycle (like because of pregnancy). I could live with that if it happened.

On a totally non-IF related topic, we just received the claim back from our move. We claimed damage costs of $2065.49 and we received $1200.46. It was horrendous, with items stolen and broken all over the place. 60% of our major furniture was broken in some way. It was hard not to be angry about the poor payment received. One item they denied replacing was the front of my brand-new Titanium LG Freezer. The doors got dented (1 pretty bad) and they just gave $50 in cosmetic damage. To replace just one door was $250. So I don't have warm feelings toward them at the moment. Our first move was SO GOOD I had no idea you could have such a bad one. *sigh*

Shocked, Totally Shocked!!!

2007-06-06T16:18:00.000-04:00

Um.... I got a call today from WH.... They offered me a lot in the August 2007 IVF program!!! I somehow never heard their call and then checked my voicemail. I figured they were telling me I got bumped into the Jan cycle... I almost fell out of my chair! I quickly told her YES!!!! The first thing to attend to is $2900 by the 4th week of June. All my 12 month tests are still good, but the 6 month ones have to be repeated. So for my I have to get blood drawn to test RPR, HIV, Hep B, Hep A, Hep C. J has to get tested for all that, plus do another SA. Poor him, and I don't even know where we'll do that. I'll get it figured out when I get my big packet of info, hopefully within a week.

So I'm extremely excited and at the same time timidly scared! I mean, I figured we'd at least get in 2 more IUI's before then! IVF seems so.... invasive. So serious. At times when I've lamented being "unexplained" I've thought I'd at least know more about my eggs/body/system and it's interaction with J's sperm if we could just do IVF! But now that it's on the horizon, I feel like I kinda didn't want to be here this fast. And yet, when the choices are August 07 or April 08, I'd choose August any day. But it at least gives me a small bit of hesitancy in my joy. Plus, let's all be real with ourselves here: IVF does not guarantee a baby. So there really isn't a reason for unabandoned excitement, with every treatment cautious optimism is a good frame of mind to be in. So that's where I am. I did not want to have to attempt to conceive a baby with lots of drugs, minor surgery, anesthesia (which I'm scared of), and a petri dish. I wanted babies conceived within my body. But I haven't been given that blessing, and so I seek after what's open to me: Medical Intervetion.

I created a tag called IVF. I never saw myself getting to that point....

Month 23 of TTC Starts

2007-06-03T13:58:00.000-04:00

So wow, here is month 23. I'm ahead of some of you, and behind a good many too. But we're all in the exact same spot - a position we little dreamed we'd be in, praying and hoping desperately to be out of.

Anyway, can I say I love my doctor in San Antonio? I do. I got in touch with him on my worries about my rising FSH. I actually felt bad about calling, so I got his email. I emailed him and I think it was 45 seconds later he called me! I was actually scared to pick up the phone, because I guess I sensed deep down that if it really were a problem, they would have caught it and told me. He basically.... well, honestly he laughed at me. Which I didn't appreciate but it was ok. He did tell me levels will fluctuate (I insisted, "But mine are only fluctutating up!"), and that mine weren't moving enough to be concerned. That just because they moved 1.3 in 8 months wouldn't mean they'd do that the next 8 months. And then he says (as he looks at my file - he had me wait as he went and got it), "You're so young!" It made me laugh. I mean, I guess if I were 21 and married a few years and TTC for 2 years without success, I could at least understand him saying that. But I'm closer to 30 that I am 20. 26. That's more than halfway. Anyway, you may wonder why I like him so much when it doesn't sound like he took me serious. But I feel like he's always listened and has a good track record with me. Plus, WH has really good results on how good their doctors/residents, IVF success rates, etc are. The doctor did his residency at a very prestigous clinic for pete's sake! So, though I didn't appreciate that he didn't at least seem concerned, I do believe he has the medical knowledge and I don't. When I was all worried about the radiologists report on my HSG (which he & another RE disagreed with), they still let me do a hysteroscopy to make sure it was ok. So I feel they do listen when there's room for doubt.

Plus, we started talking about my next visit doing another Clomid/Gonal-f combined treatment just like last time. I asked about going straight to just Gonal-f and he explained reasons they'd want another combined cycle or 2. Then he went on to tell me that IF I did an only Gonal-f cycle, I should at least try do it in when the clinic is doing IVF because then there'd be a possibility of converting to an IVF if I had too many follicles, rather than just canceling me, since that IVF cycle would be only bumping me up one cycle. then he suggested since all my tests expire in August, I need to go ahead if I come in July/Aug to get them repeated when I'm already in town so that when my IVF time comes around, I'll have it all done. That probably saved me a whole trip to San Antonio! His forethought is so apprecaited! Anyway, he's really what's made me not hate WH. I definitely used to.

I did call Womack this Thursday to check on the referral, since my MTF just kept telling me they'd sent it and not to expect news this soon. Sure enough, Womack never received it! The nurse kindly told me to give my MTF the exact fax and try again, but that she'd talk to the doctor anyway about if/when I could do treatments there. I'd welcome a sooner IVF date or a few IUI's, it'd be much closer than WH. We could theoretically do one this month, if Womack said so. It's a 6 hour drive, or for J just a few hour flight (he'd fly himself). I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I'd LOVE an IUI this month. Plus I just love Gonal-f shots! It actually feels like I'm doing something helpful.

That's all my news. We'll see what this week holds in store. Because my brother visited here this weekend, I was too busy visiting, cooking, and being happy to even care that my cycle started. :)

Drats....

2007-05-29T09:14:00.000-04:00

So yeah even though when TTC non-medicated, non-high-tech, we still always have this glimmer of hope that maybe, maybe we'll be like Angie (and others, I just can't remember them at the time!).... we'll luck out and be one of those happy people who kinda hit the lottery in IF. (Karen and Suz know all about what can be referred to as "hitting the lottery" (high order multiples), that it's anything but, right gals?!)

Anyway, this is my way of saying at 12 DPO my temp shot down by 0.9. So yeah, I can expect AF tomorrow or Thursday. I'm anywhere from a 13 to 15 day LP, with 14 as the norm. I'm a little disappointed, but honestly didn't "count" on being pregnant. There is actually a difference between hoping and expecting.

J and I had some profitable conversations 2 nights in a row about IF. Firstly, I'm going to ask Dr. J about the FSH levels and if I should worry. Secondly, he's told me a few times that he feels he's defaulted leadership in our family regarding IF. He's let me choose when to do treatment, etc and basically thought since I was WAY more educated he should let me do that. Anyway, I love when he gets involved and talks about it with me, and I'd be glad for him to take a more active leadership position here. He said he plans on fasting two days this week to spend some specific time praying over this and seeing if he can get some sense of what we need to do next. More than likely I'd imagine we'd stay on the course of a few more IUI's before IVF next year. But how I hate the wait!

Womack still hasn't sent any info on the referral status. And with a new cycle just around the corner, this doesn't make me thrilled, but I'm content to not rage about it.

I got word of 3 pregnancies last week (1 the week before), and 1 baby born last week. It was actually to a friend of mine w/ secondary IF, so I don't begrudge her at all. I was delighted for her. However, we emailed quite a bit during her struggle, and then at about her 2nd trimester she stopped emailing/replying. I felt rather... hurt. Pregnancies used to hurt a lot, but now they don't so much - what hurts is when the baby is actually born. Because I look at the pictures and think, "I remember when she got pregnant! I was still trying then... I was doing X treatment... And here I am, 9 months later, nothing to show for it." It stings in a place deep down, at times paralyzing me with thoughts of despair and feelings of sheer, utter, numbing inadequacy and brokenness. If nothing's wrong with J's sperm, then isn't my body failing? Aren't I broken? I certainly feel it, yet without any glimmer of hope for what to do to change it. So goes the world of "unexplained" infertility.

I didn't mean to end on a sad note. I'm not as sad as I sound. Actually, that's a lie. I am. But I've shoved it deep down while I pray hard for perspective and patience.

What Do You Know About LH Levels?

2007-05-24T14:24:00.001-04:00

Ok I have done what every RE must hate: I looked at - no, scrutinized - my charts. I can't find much info out there on Dr. Google, so I figured you ladies in the online community may know much more!!

I don't like my LH levels, on CD3 or 4. I think they're just too high. Here's all the draws I've had that I have record of:

8/06 CD3: 8.4
10/06 CD4: 9.5
4/07 CD4: 11.9

That one in April really bugs me. It was after 3 months/cycles of no meds. The 1st draw in 8/06 was my 1st RE appt, so again, no meds in my life. It just looks like it's getting "worse". Why? Should I worry. I'll post my FSH levels on those draws, which I know are more important, but they don't worry me.

8/06 CD3: 6.6
10/06 CD4: 7.2
4/07 CD4: 7.9

Actually, now that I freakin look at it, that is slowly rising too! AGH! Do I worry in vain????? I feel like crying but since that won't do a single thing to help what's going on here, I feel like: Why bother?

***UPDATE*** Thanks for the suggestion, Andrea. I think they only way I've been "checked" for PCOS was the CD3 or CD4 ultrasounds. I usually have 5-6 little follicles on each side, and it doesn't have the "string of pearl" look. I did ask the dr's specifically about my FSH:LH ratio and he said it was quite normal to see a more than 1:1 ratio but as long as it wasn't close to 2:1 it was ok. Plus I have NO other side effects of PCOS. :/ But thanks for the suggestion!!!

5 DPO & No News

2007-05-22T14:42:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to at least say I'm here and all. 5 DPO and not caring at all, in terms of looking for illusive "symptoms." I think they're a myth, honestly!

The incompetent Air Force referral system here is incredibly slow. Remember my referral request was submitted to my local MTF Tuesday 5/8. I called for a status every 2-3 days. I got what sounded like being pushed-off/lied to, since no one was really doing their jobs. ByMonday 5/14 I was told they were waiting for Womack's fax line, which I had but they didn't want from me. Finally by Friday 5/18 Womack actually got the referral. Unfortunately, the MTF to MTF referall lady I check in with at our base knows me by my voice and name without even looking at my chart. :( I think she's a bit annoyed, "No Mrs. Impatient, don't expect any news, I'll call you when there is." I just can't leave it, I'm the one this matters to, and too many people slack off or honestly get overwhelmed.

The waiting is hard, and yet not. I don't even know if we were accepted right away whether we could make any use of that. J starts training that 1st week of June and may not be able to take any days off for an IUI. The great thing is he has both his VFR and IFR pilot's licenses so he can fly himself up to Fayetteville and then fly himself back all in the same day (if necessary). I'm glad for the lack of pressure I feel personally in regard to TTC with medical help.

Besides, today is my birthday and I'm going to an oh-so-fancy-French restaurant with my dear husband. I shall indulge in at least one terrific martini. Cheers!!!

Referrals Take a While....

2007-05-14T09:51:00.000-04:00

I didn't realize how long referrals from MTF to MTF actually took. After a few calls to WH I finally got someone and realized they don't do referrals. So I called my PCM (Primary Care Manager) and got them to put the referral in. Now, when I did this in Texas at Brooks, the referral was submitted 5/30 and accepted that same day. I guess I expected too much. :/ This one was started Tuesday, but got bounced everywhere, and here it's Monday and not yet submitted to Womack. I called and finally got someone and they told me they're waiting to get Womack's fax number to submit the referral. They told me it usually takes another week to review and accept me. I'm glad I started this so early out (in May on our non-medicate cycle), so that I'm not stressing about it being accepted by any particular time-frame. I really need to remember how much red tape there is everywhere and let my expectations down a bit.

Other than that, nothing else new to report. Interestingly enough, Mother's Day has never ever been hard for me. I've actually never related my desire for a child and infertility to Mother's Day. Mother's Day to me has been about my mother. I have a wonderful mother and want to bless and praise her on Mother's Day. So I never feel cheated. But I did get an email from a friend last night just telling me she was thinking and praying for me because she knows Mother's Day can be hard for people like me. This was incredibly sweet and caring, especially considering this is her 2nd Mother's Day without her mom, who she lost to cancer. Unbelievable she'd think of someone else's loss when her own must feel so great. So I cried because it hurts sometimes when you feel constantly overlooked and an outcast to your "friends" because they all conceive easily and you're the one who makes them uncomfortable because you remind them that life's not always picture perfect. And I cried for my selfishness since I have a mother and this sweet girl doesn't, yet I can be so upset over my infertility. Life's such a confusion. I will write her back today, but not yet. Not ready yet.....

Anonymity?

2007-05-09T07:32:00.000-04:00

Since I'm new to this whole bloging about our TTC and my feelings, I'm still figuring my way around. I've kept my personal blog separate from this one for the sake of anonymity, and as you see I don't refer to my name and my husband is simply J. I will mention specific places where I go for treatment, because I don't think that's giving too much info away. I don't want to mention specific dr's names, but since the practice there is so small, I bet I'll be creating nicknames for the doctors, to be able to differentiate them yet not reveal their identity.
Any other advice on keeping the blog ananymous? I mean, I suppose if anyone I knew in real life stumbled upon this it might be pretty easy to figure out this was us. (although I don't know how that'd happen since I figure you'd have to be blog surfing or searching specifically for TTC stuff) Anyway, how to you ladies all do it?

Waiting for the Phone Call

2007-05-08T09:57:00.000-04:00

I'm a little annoyed at WH for not returning my call yesterday. They only have an answering service, not a direct way to reach them. Supposedly if you leave a message before 1530 they'll call you that day. Whatever. All I want is the referral to Womack. If I don't hear anything by this afternoon, I'll just call my PCM here and see what they can do. I guess I just know they'll tell me I need an appointment, which just seems unnecessary. I've been TTC for 22 months, and had 8 months of failed infertility treatments (well, 5 total, the 8 includes the breaks). When I got my referral to WH, all the doctor did was ask a few questions. Anyway, I'm obviously not in a terrible hurry since this month is off (medically speaking), but the sooner things are on their way with Womack, the sooner I may get on their IVF list. I don't want to bug their nurse with asking how long the list is, until my referral actually has gone through. I know WH won't even talk to you if your referral isn't through.

A Natural Cycle...

2007-05-07T08:55:00.000-04:00

Well, today is CD3 and I have another natural, non medicated cycle in front of me. This is the last month J could travel until August-ish without disrupting his training schedule. I have brothers graduating from college & high school these next two weekends, which means 7hr car trips to NC for those. So traveling to Texas for another IUI is really out of the question. I'm resigned, but sad. I (mentally) have almost no hope for natural cycles work. If a medicated cycle with 3-4 eggs & an IUI where millions of sperm are getting straight into the uterus doesn't work, why would a natural cycle work? I know it's possible, but the cards are stacked against me.

I am going to try another Military Treatment Facility that's only 6 hours away, not a plane-trip. Maybe then we could do a June IUI, since J would only have to miss maybe one day of training/work? I don't know if I can even get in. Seriously, I just want to try an all injectable IUI cycle once more, and then I'd rather move to IVF.

On the bright side, a dear friend mailed me some fabulous coffee from Tacoma,WA. Wowie, this stuff is amazing! I'm drinking it black and loving life, at least the coffee part of it.

IUI #3 Failure

2007-05-04T16:49:00.000-04:00

So uh, IUI #3 was a failure. I didn't expect it and yet I did. I tested two days ago and the presence of one red line told me everything I needed to anticipate. Combine that with a drastic temp drop and it was confirmed. I splurged on a Venti (I never get Venti) Cinnamon Dolce Latte. And wine. And a martini. Two actually. We were at the beach for vacation, which is loads better than being at home trying to work with such news.

Three days before my IUI, when I was at WH, Dr J told me "Now you know, the increased chances are only with only Gonal-f, not Gonal-f and clomid combined." Huh, I didn't know that. Not that I would have changed anything, I was too afraid of being canceled, having only every tried clomid and had great responses. So, I guess I was expecting this. Next time though, I'll go to Gonal-f alone, if I have any say-so.

Intro

2007-05-02T10:57:00.000-04:00

This is my first post on a blog completely dedicated to my walk through infertility. It's taken a long time to get to this point. By the time infertility was taking over my entire thought life and my endless internet research lead me to many IF blogs, I kept figuring "this month" would be the cycle I'd get pregnant. I delayed starting a blog because I was sure at any moment I'd find myself pregant, with only a handful of entries in my blog. I'd be a fool, a fake, an impetuous girl who never really had a fertility problem except her impatience to get pregnant as fast as her friends did!

Ah, but here I am, about to start month 22 of trying to conceive. I'm real, I'm a tried-and-true IF kind of girl, and I'm facing reality. I've had the same reticence to actually take the plunge and become a VIP member on FertilityFriend. I know many people hate "charting" (although the Fertility Awareness Method is much more than just taking your BBT). I however, love it. Because it gives me a sense of understanding what my body is doing. I'm not the same ridiculous Optimist I was when I started out. I no longer even care about "symptoms" in the Two Week Wait. I used to post giddily about implantation dips in my chart, about sore breasts, nausea and fatigue. Every pregnancy test stared back at my with one Red Line. Mocking me. Now when I have symptoms, I just ignore them. I tell myself (& my husband) it's all the progesterone from the corpus luteum. And I almost believe it.

I still take 1-2 early pregnancy tests per cycle. Usually at 10 and 12 DPO. I've found I desperately want to know if I ever have a chemical pregnancy, and it prepares me much better for the upcoming start of a new cycle to know it's coming. It's not really a surprise. That way I'm not swearing and throwing things in the bathroom at that moment.

My situation is unique in that I'm an active duty military spouse. All who deal with infertility and treatments deal with Insurance issues! Being in the military means this: in order to get any infertility diagnosis/treatments (drugs, IUI's, IVF, tests, etc) I must go to a Military Treatment Facility (MTF) that actually offers that. There are about 6 in America. Since there are so few of them, and a large number of military wives with IF troubles, they're very busy. However, if you can get into one, it's virtually free. IVF costs you, but under 5K. Everything else is covered - tests, drugs, you name it! However, there's little specilization in your treatment. It's their way or the highway. You can ask for different protocols or tests or whatnot, but getting them is unlikely. If I do not choose to use a MTF, insurance covers nothing. Many ladies know how expensive out-of-pocked infertility treatments are.

I may back-post a few entries, mainly because I hate this being so short.

IUI #3

2007-04-19T15:52:00.000-04:00

Here's the data from IUI #3.
CD 4-8 50 mg Clomid, CD9-11 75 iu Gonal-f, CD 12 10,000 units HCG

CD4 Blood Draw:
E2: 44
FSH: 7.91
LH: 11.9

CD11 Blood Draw/Ultrasound:
E2: 934
FSH: 7.2
LH: 15.9
Left Ovary: 17.5, 16.2, 11.5, 9.4, many less than 10
Right Ovary: 11, 10.5, 10, many less than 10
Lining: 5.6 (what?!)

As of the IUI date, CD14, the sperm count pre-wash was 111million at 61% motile. Post wash it was labeled "TMC" which I guess means Too Many to Count? Motility was 60%. Our best sample thus far, and with BD the night before too! This was probably due to either giving the same at the clinic (& not at home w/ a 35 minute drive) or abstaining for 3 days before the evening before the IUI (since J wasn't in town). Not sure, but next time we'll definitely be getting the sample IN the clinic.

IUI went smoothly and was, as usual, very little pain.

IUI #2 Failure

2006-12-19T14:30:00.000-05:00

We're officially moved out of San Antonio. The move was.... a bit horendous. Only because it was scheduled on Thursday/Friday and we just learned that on Monday that week! So very little time to prepare. When our orders didn't come a week out, we assumed we couldn't move by the 15th, so we boght plane tickets back to NC that night. So those obviously couldn't get used, because the movers didn't leave our house until 8:15pm!!! We still tried to get to the airport, but the ticket counters were closed. So we got dinner and went to our friends' house. We bought tickets out for Saturday, but had to get separate airlines.... Boo. :( However, God was gracious we even got tickets! Mine we used Delta Skymiles to get. I'm glad we had them! R kindly got up early and bundled 10-month-old E into the carseat and took us to the airport! She had homemade coffeecake and hot chai/coffee for us, too. She really has become my best friend in San Antonio, even though I only just met her in August/September! Our weekly get-togethers were a real blessing. Her walk through infertility has been such a comfort to me.

And yes, IUI #2 was a big failure. I had one last appointment scheduled with Dr. J and we went over possible scenarios for future treatments. J and I have so much to think and pray and talk about.... So many decisions. None of them are inexpensive. Most likely I can go back in February/March for another IUI, but this time on injectible drugs (gonal-f) rather than clomid (increased pregnancy rates, better quality eggs/follicles). Of course, if I overstimulate (8 follicles for example) I could fly out there are be canceled.... So it takes it to an even higher-stake risk emotionally!

Even though he said they try to be fair as in making everyone wait a certain amount of time before going on the IVF list, because I'm moving he said I could get a special consideration and get on the list. Currently, at my position on the list, I'd be looking at cycling in April 2008, although there is a good likelihood of a few months sooner. Dr. J said, "I just can't see it being April 2008 and you not being pregnant! You're young and you respond well and we can't find anything wrong with you." I told him I couldn't see it either, but I didn't want to take the chance. I said I couldn't have seen it being December 2006 and me not pregnant, but here we are! He let me ask as many questions as I had and spent a lot of time making sure all our bases were covered. I'm so grateful he started working there, he is very good and compassionate!

This last week it's been excrutiatingly hard to kick the discouragement/depression, but I think yesterday I finally did.... for this month, anyway. J and I have had the hardest time reaching any sort of oneness emotionally. It's the most lonely/alienated situation I've been in my whole life.

IUI #2 Completed!

2006-11-28T14:12:00.000-05:00

IUI #2 is complete. CD14 (The morning of the trigger, 1 day before the IUI) showed:

E2: 982.2 (not as good as 1447 last time at CD13)
FSH: 6.7
LH: 21.4 (almost surging?)
Left Ovary: 23, 14.9, 4 less than 10
Right Ovary: 10.2, 10 less than 10
Lining 8.7

Timing seemed pretty good, although I continue to be preturbed by the right ovary not having any mature eggs. Sperm post-wash: 73 million, 45% motile (not as good as last time either). I guess that's ok, I just like my chances as increased as possible. The shot was no trouble. J's words last night were, "I'm getting good at this, and I hate it!" Poor him! We got to go in together today and the same resident doctor that did it last time did it this time. She was good, but it was a bit more painful than I remember. This time, I've been completely prone all day. Not risking anything getting up, no matter if they say it's ok. J came home at lunchtime with a pizza (my favorite, btw) and a decaf Starbucks Gingerbread Latte. That was such a sweet gesture! It really made me feel so well taken care of by him.

So now beings the dreaded 2ww.... again. However, I'm going to find joy in it. That's one thing the Lord's been speaking to me lately. To find joy in this trial. So I'm attempting to. I'm so grateful
everything turned out well this time.

I'm curious if I'll feel the HCG hormones this time like I did last time. It's equivalent of what you're feel at 6 weeks past conception. :/

IUI #2 Blood & Follicle Update

2006-11-17T13:50:00.000-05:00

The appointment went well. These are CD4 Levels:

E2: 38.5
FSH: 7.2
LH: 9.5
Left Ovary: 6 less than 10
Right Ovary: 5 less than 10

I am going in the Monday after Thankgiving for my next blood/ultrasound. 95% chance I won't have ovulated yet, and they'll prescribe the HCG shot for that evening and the IUI for Tuesday morning. That would be perfect, in my opinion. The alarm clock was 15 minutes fast this morning (accidentally) so I actually left the house at 4:45. Oh well. I got #1 again for ultrasounds. :)

The lady in the lab that took my blood was not good, however! I felt the needle go in WAY too far and it hurt immensely throughout the draw & upon her taking it out. She even asked if I was ok (never had that before). Did she know how bad she was? I even have a bruise, that's a first! The doctor (Dr. M - a good one, but not my favorite) said the usual procedure is to go through 9 IUIs before getting on the IVF list!!! That's a lot! 3 Clomid/IUI, 3 Clomid/Gonal-f/IUI and 3 Gonal-f/IUI.

He did offer to, on an individual basis, consider the fact that we're moving and put us on the IVF list, which is a 12-18 month wait. J & I will pray about all this. Flying back here for IUIs may be more expensive than just doing them in GA. I just don't know. Good thing God promises wisdom for those who ask!

On to IUI #2 I Guess?

2006-11-16T13:43:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I get to go in for a baseline ultrasound and blood work (CD4 actually). I counted and this will be my 13th visit to WH. So I realize that's not a ton of visits, but over 4 months it has felt it at times! By post-Thanksgiving, it should be up to 15 visits. That averages out to about 4 a month. Rambling here, sorry!

Not sure which doctor is doing the ultrasounds tomorrow. But to humor you all, I thought it might be interesting to tell you how these appointments go. It is NOT the typical, call & get an appointment time, be seen, leave. You see, WH is one of the few military infertility centers in the US. They see people from all over. Plus, they have an ob-gyn clinic there, too, so they see regular ladies and pregnant ladies, etc. Their doctors are extremely understaffed, I'd say. So, in order to make it easiest for all their doctors, ALL ladies needing normal pregnancy or infertility-related ultrasounds basically get a paper on the "routine" way to do this. They tell you to show up at 7, get a number at the labratory, get your blood drawn, get a number for an ultrasound, get your ultrasound. Well, ha! It's basically a "cattle call." If everyone shows up, they figure the doctors can do as many women as possible before regular patients show up for their appointments, then if you haven't been gotten to, they'll fit you in that morning if possible. Until then, you must wait! You could be there til noon! Makes sense though.

Now, thankfully my friend R has been through ALL of this. So she actually advised me what to really do. This is how it actually works for me, what I'll be doing tomorrow.

4:00am - Wake, Shower, etc
5:00am - Leave for WH
5:30am - Arrive WH, Come In, Get Number from Labratory, Sit down Outside Closed Doors of Clinic & Wait (read book or have quiet time)
6:30am - (Get irritated looks from the ladies arriving after you, since you'll get #1) Nurse opens Clinic, Go in and get #1, head over to Labratory for Blood Work
6:35am - Labratory doors open, Stand Amazed at ALL the Old People already Waiting with Numbers (10 at least!)
6:45-7:00am - Get Blood Taken Sometime In There
7:00am - Head to Clinic, Get Number Called, Get Room & do the fun "undress from waist down", Wait with huge real sheet on (thank God it's big & not paper!), Get called into next room for ultrasound, Get Follicles and Lining measured, Talk to Doctor, Pray they listen, Get next appointment scheduled
8:15ish - Leave (grab a decaf cappuccino from the coffee shop in the clinic)

By that time, you feel like you've experienced a whole day's worth of activity, when really it's barely time to start work!

I know that might be boring for you all to read, but things like this are a huge deal to me. The military world and the infertility world are so confined to themselves, and so few people even have the slightest idea what it's like. I think by sharing, perhaps it can help us all in general to be more compassionate and understanding when meeting other people in situations we don't know. Like when a friend tells me, "My son was in the NICU for 2 weeks after his birth." And I just say how sorry I am. Truly, I have not entered into her pain and fear and sorrow over that part of her life. If I just try to put myself in her shoes, I believe I can more truly fulfill the command to "bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." In a Charles Williams sort of way, the "Doctrine of Substituted Love." (If you haven't read Descent Into Hell, you won't understand that.)

Anyway, my perspective has lightened today and all shall be according to God's will. If this all keeps failing, that too must be the hand of God. The God who opened Rebekah's womb when Isaac prayed, who opened Elizabeth and Rachel and Sarah's and Hannah's wombs each. I take comfort in the fact that 3 days after the resounding "Not This Time" being all too obvious, I have fresh Christ-centered perspective again. Glory be to Him, because that is a gift Satan is eager to steal away. I want to guard is preciously, by hearing His Words fresh each morning, and Communing with Him throughout my Day.

And truly, each evening when my dear husband comes through the door looking so handsome in his olive drab flight suit, sweeping me up in his arms with joy at being home with me, I remember that by my marriage, I have been so, so blessed. This is the Season of Life I'm given, give praise, have joy, and turn my future yearnings back to God's timing.

IUI #1 Completed

2006-10-30T13:22:00.000-05:00

Last news I got was that we had to move in December, so we only have two more cycles at WHMC! When I went in for my CD12 monitoring, I (fortunately) got Dr. J (the bestest, most understanding and accomodating), and he agreed my next two cycles can be IUI's! Hooray! The morning monitoring was interesting to say the least. I got #1 for Ultrasounds, but the residents had screwed me up by telling me last week NOT to get my blood drawn. Come to find out, I had to get it done. By the time I found that out, about 10 people already had lab #'s. So I waited a while, I think I was the last ultrasound of the morning monitorings, but I was out by 8ish, so no big deal. I'll know better, my instinct told me to just get a blood lab #.

Here were my CD12 numbers's:
E2: 1011
FSH: 3.4
LH: 12
Left Ovary: 14.5, 17.9, 16.4, few less than 10
Right Ovary: 14, few less than 10
Lining: 8.4

As this was Thursday, the doctor said he'd either want a Saturday (CD14) or Sunday (CD15) IUI. He told me to come in tomorrow to see if my LH was surging yet, and if it wasn't we'd do Sunday. I came in Friday (CD13) and got:
E2: 1447
FSH: 2.8
LH: 12

I picked up my HCG shot (Novarel) and was given instructions on using it. WH is doing studies on pregnancy with 12hr or 36 hr post-trigger IUI's. I'm in the 12-hr group, so J gave it to me intramuscularly on Saturday night. I was anxious leading up to it, but the dr called that night to make sure I felt ok (see why I love him?). J did so well (precious husband) that I didn't even feel it, though I did ice the area for 10 minutes beforehand and sang loudly as he injected it. Still, months ago when I mentioned the future possibility of needing him to give me shots, he insisted he'd never do that. When it came down to it, he agreed. Much better than giving it to myself (the doctor wasn't in favor of it for this shot my first time)

Sunday morning was the Big Day: my IUI. Everything went perfectly, and it was only slightly painful cramping for an hour or so. A resident dr and my fav dr did the procedure. Later, when all the follicles were releasing their eggs, my left ovary hurt immensely for the rest of the evening. It was the one that had 3 follicles. I was so very glad to know what was going on and that everything was timed so perfectly. Although - for what it's worth, I chart religiously and my temp shot up that morning. I imagine I already ovulated at least the biggest egg. I asked the doctor about it but he said it should be ok. I'm a little upset they don't do ultrasounds or blood draws on the IUI day, but I guess their philosophy is, we're going to do it anyway, why waste the resources? Sperm count post-wash: 95 million, 55% motile.

I also want to mention, I know I've expressed frustration with the military infertility clinic here. Well, 3 visits ago, for my hysteroscopy and baseline ultrasound, I got another of the 4 staff doctors, but one I hadn't met. I have finally learned who the staff doctors are, and who the residents are, and that the only people with authority and real knowledge are the staff doctors! Anyway, I got Dr. J and he was completely different than the others. Very willing to work with us, initiated asking me how long we'd be in San Antonio, and offered to put us on a faster track since we wouldn't be here long. He's not all caught up in the schedule of how things should go, he calls me personally to verify or inform me of things, and he is sincerely kind and personal. Plus he's good. He answers every question I can think of. So I'm thrilled. From now on, I'm going to try to get appointments with him. So here's hoping for some good news in 2 weeks. But if not, we shall try, try again.

Hysteroscopy Update

2006-10-19T13:12:00.000-04:00

Good news! The hysteroscopy went wonderfully! They did not find anything unusual or bad in my uterus, they said it looked great. (So the Reproductive Endocrinologists were right, the Radiologist was wrong.) I was able to watch it all and it was quite interesting; I'm thrilled to know what the inside of my uterus actually looks like. I was given a Valium took take an hour beforehand, and although I didn't feel it doing anything, the firend driving me told me I wasn't giving appropriate answers at times (too slow)! When the doctor initially came in to introduce himself to me, he told me I wasn't acting like someone on drugs. :)

It did take about 20 minutes (as they switched cameras once) and was a bit painful (very manageable and only real hard for a few minutes). Nothing like the HSG. I have never felt so well taken care of at the clinic there. For my other appointments I've felt rather like one face in a million, and as if they were always rushed/busy (or sent me resident doctors who didn't really know much). This time, Dr. J (a head dr) came in early and talked to me (never had him before). He had the kindest bed-side manner I've ever seen in a dr - even let me squeeze his hand during a painful part! They had 2 resident dr's doing the procedure, they were nice and pretty gentle. Then Dr. M (another head dr) came in later to watch during the hysteroscopy also. So I felt like I was really being looked after. Then they did the ultrasound and one cyst was gone, one was down to 1.5 cm from 4 cm (the corpus luteal cysts from too much clomid, 100 mg). So all was good. I will go in next Thursday for my next ultrasound.

Even though I would have liked them to have actually found polyps or something easy to fix (how I hate being unexplained!), I'm still glad of it. They also learned that we have to leave San Antonio for Georgia in January, so they'll do IUI next month if this one doesn't work. They undertand there's a little more priority for us, so I'm thrilled. I'd rather conceive naturally, but while we're here, I want to give it our best shot possible.

Upcoming Hysteroscopy

2006-10-17T13:10:00.000-04:00

Well, yes, another cycle without a pregnancy, but God has had lots of things scheduled for these upcoming weeks, so I'm encouraged. I think I've taken this "failure" better than any other (except maybe the 1st couple of months, before I realized how long this would take). I really only dealt with some tears and hurts for a few minutes, and J held me and kissed me and comforted me, and then it was over. Really a blessing. I give God the credit for that.

So, Thursday I go in for a hysteroscopy. (This is where they take a camera into the uterus so they can see exactly what's in there.) The doctors re-reviewed my HSG and determined that they aren't necessarily changing their first analysis, but they are recommending a hysteroscopy so they can actually see what the "abnormal filling" is. They said that if it were polyps, they would not allow a fertilized egg to implant!!! I'm really hoping that's been our problem all along, and that they can do an in-office precedure and remove them (rather than an anasthesia & later appt). Anyway, that's also the day of my baseline blood work and ultrasound. They will check on the growth of my follicles, and my endometrial lining, and then tell me when next to come in.

From then on, I'll be checked fairly regularly like this, and when the follicles are considered mature enough, I will either get or administer to myself a shot of HCG, to induce my body to ovulate. This is just a part of how they do monitored cycles. I do not need it, but it's procedure. That's fine with me. My body has always ovulated nicely, and for the last cycle my 7 DPO progesterone level was a 98!!! That's a great number! They only look for a 10 or 15 on a medicated cycle (the higher the number, the stronger the ovulation). Anyway....

ER Visit!

2006-10-10T11:33:00.000-04:00

I So know I'm not the only one on on an unmonitored Clomid cycle, but I have been warned it isn't safe. I have asked to be monitored this 2nd cycle, but the doctors refused. Now I'm mad.

First off, let me say that on Friday J and his 2 brothers left for a wild boar hunt. They were out where there is no cell service, and the little cabin only runs on a generator (no toilet, even), so no phone whatsoever. His 15 year old sister C was staying with me and we'd planned a fun few days. The boys weren't to return until Sunday evening.

I went to bed Friday night with strong lower abdominal pains. Felt like gas. I slept and awoke at 2:45 in severe pain. I went to the kitchen for a Gas-X and my vision got black for 5 seconds. I held the counter. Then I reached up for the medicine.... The next thing I know I'm lying on the kitchen floor, staring at the ceiling, not knowing how I got there or how long I was passed out. I headed back to my room and again, thinking "I've got to lay down", and I wake up to find myself on the closet floor, stairing up, wondering how and why I was there (again, I'd passed out).

I didn't know why I was passing out. I went to tell C what was up. I called a hospital who told me they couldn't give medical advice. They gave me a nurses line to call. The nurse said it was serious and I should come in, but not drive myself. C can't drive a stick, and all I had at that point was one. I didn't want to call any friends at 3 am, and they all live at least 15 minutes away. So I called the ambulance. I have no idea whether TriCare covers that, I tried to look it up, and it looked like they might. I was relaly hoping J wouldn't get upset at me for calling an ambulance!

I was taken to a hospital and the inital thought by the doctor was that my ovaries had ruptured cysts on them. The dr was angry I was on unmonitored clomid (100 mg, which I think you should start out on 50mg) and said it was irresponsible. I have to agree, even though I know it's cheaper to not monitor people & I'd already done one cycle just fine with it. The hospital gave me an IV with Demerol and fluids and something else. The Demerol made me see two of everything and loopy. C read to me and I kept thinking I was saying gibberish. She says I said nothing but moaned.

I had to have a CAT scan to ensure my appendix was ok. It was, but they said I had a lot of fluid and a little blood in my abdomen. That was the cause of the pain/swelling, and I passed out from pain, they said. They sent me home after 9 hours, but told me to follow up with an OB-GYN on Monday (they're all off, so I'll go Tuesday). They said it could have been a ruptured ovarian cyst, and unrelated to the clomid, we're not sure. It seems highly unlikely that I as a healthy female who's never had any pain or trouble with my uterus/ovaries/etc would all of a sudden have a cyst burst.

Right now I'm mad at the dr's at WH for their irresponsibility in this. I'm mad I went through this (almost) all alone. I'm upset J wasn't there for all my pain.

***UPDATE: So I finally broke the news to J as they drove away from the ranch. He took it TOO WELL! He was so calm, I got so upset that he just didn't care! However, he was inwardly upset but just didn't know how to react, he told me. Monday we took the siblings to the RiverWalk and had a grand time. I was in mild pain, and did end up getting a 102 fever that evening/night.

The dr's appointment on Tuesday was a joke, at first. For some reason the files didn't show why I came in - they thought I was just coming in to bug them about the HSG results! All I got this time was a resident dr and they have no authority at WH! She kept trying to tell me that the clomid could in no way cause my ER visit and blah blah. I started crying and basically told her I couldn't stand for this to happen again and I needed answers. J says she looked out of her league & she went off to get one of the staff dr's. He immediately said "Let's do an ultrasound." And he found a "hemmoragic corpus luteal" cyst on each ovary about 2cm in size, and blood/fluid in my abdomen. He said I'd released eggs from both ovaries, and I don't know why they were hommoragic. I had to press for options to keep this from happening agian. He said I could now go on 50mg Clomid, rather than 100, and be monitored! Yes! They didn't have the HSG results back.

HSG Confusion - WHAT???

2006-10-04T11:17:00.000-04:00

I had my HSG on 8/23 and the doctors told me it was ok. There was a "whitish area" (the places the dye went was black) on the xray that the tech said looked like "air bubbles." She told me she'd inject more dye, and if it was air it would move. It didn't. She said she'd still call it a normal HSG. When we went in to get ALL results from the doctors (blood, SA, and HSG), they said Everything was normal for both of us. I specifically asked the drs about the white area, they said, "We personally didn't look at your xray, another doctor did, but I'll check it out and let you know." They never did, so I assumed it was good.

Today I went in to a different doctor about a rash (totally unrelated to IF) (a flight surgeon for you military people with 20 yrs as an ob-gyn) and we started talking about my tests and infertility (because I'd seen him for the referral to the IF center). He took a look at my tests and he opened the file on my HSG.... It clearly said there Diganosis: Abnormal! It kept talking about the mass and said possibilities were endometriosis, uterine polyps, sinichea, and versus submucoal fibroids. WHAT?!?!?!? I called the IF line (you can't ever talk to a real person, just leave a message) and left a message asking for an explaination!!!

I got a call back from a resident doctor over at WH. At first she excused it and told me "The doctors here said it looks good, and I can tell you there are 2 doctor's signatures on the file and they're all excellent doctors." I really had to push and tell her I SAW with my own eyes where it said it was an ABNORMAL HSG and that I had a mass in my uterus. Finally, she said she'd check the radiology report. She got silent and said..... "Maybe we need to take a closer look at your file." Sure enough, that was where the discrepancy was. She said the RE and the Radiologist disagree with the interpretation of the HSG. So she said they'd review it on Thursday and she'd call me back on Friday.
I was rather infuriated.... She tried to write me off so many times ("You're on clomid and we can't do anything for you for a long time anyway, why not just wait for your follow-up appointment in November to hear about this?").

However, I am maintaining trust in everything God's taking us through. More later.

Failure

2006-09-14T13:07:00.000-04:00

Well, even though the chances of getting pregnant this month were greatly increased, medically speaking, from my HSG and from the Clomid, God did not choose to allow us to conceive this time.

Even though I had some good reasons to hope, from charting, it wasn't so. I am definitely disappointed, but not despairing. Christ reigns, I have eternal life, and He works all things for good to those who love Him, who are the called according to His purpose. The power of Christ is being formed in me. This is a chance to believe God and trust. How can I pass up so great an opportunity?

I do wish I weren't so alone in this, but God obviously wants me to rely only on Him. We'll just maintain hope and keep praying. And I'd ask the same of my friends. Just think of me and pray, when it's on your hearts.

And The Results Are In.....

2006-08-31T13:28:00.000-04:00

Unexplained Infertility. How interesting is that?

Here are my Cycle Day 3 (CD3) blood levels (info obtained here, though don't consider it the "Bible"):

FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone): 6.6 - A Bit Disappointing (On CD3 it's a gauge of ovarian reserve. Under 6 is excellent, 6-9 is good, 9-10 fair, 10-13 diminished reserve, 13+ very hard to stmulate)

LH (Lutenizing Hormone): 8.4 - That stupid webpage said it should be less than 7! I looked extensively & can't find out why the devil this is. Arg.

E2 (Estradiol): 60.1 - Should be 25-75, levels on lower end better for stimulating, abnormally high levels may indicate a cyst or diminished ovarian reserve.

Here are my Cycle Day 10 (CD10) blood levels, after CD 5-9 on 100 mg Clomid (The Clomid Challenge Test):

FSH: 7.4 - I think agian, should fall within parameters of CD3 level. Darn.

LH: 26.3 - LOL. Look for 25-40 on surge day, which was on CD 16 for me this time. whatever. LH surge leads to ovulation within 48 hours.

E2: 620.3 - LOL again. 100mg of Clomid sure affects me! Look for greater than 200 on surge day, which again was 5-6 days from now!

In Search of Morning Sickness

HUNBABA Mei Tai Baby Carrier Guest Giveawayy

Interesting Stuff & Products I Recommend

This is me, finally updating.

Announcing Baby Girl!

No Baby Yet...

Warning!!! Baby Girl Pictures

I'm not dead, just a bad blogger...

2 Weeks Down, 8 To Go

What We're Having....?!?!

Camping! (No "P"-related stuff)

Into the 2nd Trimester (Me?)

11 Weeks!

10 weeks now

No Really, I Did Find It This Time

7wk Ultrasound & Remembering

My husband thinks I should change my blog name...

Apparently....

6 Weeks Today, Everything Quiet

Birthday... & Update

Beta #2 for IVF #2

Beta #1 for IVF #2

Apparently....

*sheepishly* I'm the Worst Blogger Ever....

HSG - Good!

HSG - YES!

HSG.... Boo!

Here - Just Traveling!

And now it's just funny...

A Little Sad Story

I've Been Tagged, Yay!

Yeah... Bad Day.

He's Gone

Absent

Chart Readers Welcomed!

13PDO + Temp Dip + BFN = Impending Gloom

All Quiet on the IF Front

Thanks, Wonderful Blogger Friends!

Testing

Different

Thanksgiving Flight

Back! And Back to Updating!

Tagged! & Questions Answered

Back for a Bit!

Friday!

Well, It Was a Nice Idea

IVF #2, Deployment, Frozen Embryos & Go Vote!

-Hold that thought-

IVF #2

So, how was your week?

Searching Out the "Why"

Google Searches - Answers Here!

How Things Are

Post-Miscarriage Perspective

Introducing Us...

34 Hours Later...

Our Little Angel

Update? Ok!

Candy!

2nd Beta Results

9/26 1st Beta

Embryo Quality???

IVF #1 - Freeze Report & Thoughts

IVF #1 - Transfer

IVF #1 - Fertilization Report

IVF #1 - Retrieval!

IVF #1 - 9 Days of Meds - Ultrasound #4

IVF #1 - 6 Days of Meds - Ultrasound #3

IVF #1 - 4 Days of Meds - Ultrasound #2

Baseline Result for IVF #1

CD 26, BCP Day 22

CD 19, BCP Day 15 & Other Peope's Updates

Ponderings

CD 6, BCP Day 2

No Update Because Nothing Happening!

Baseline Date!

Sextuplets, High-Order Multiples and Hypocracy?

Nuthin Big Goin On Here

Shocked, Totally Shocked!!!

Month 23 of TTC Starts

sheepishly I'm the Worst Blogger Ever....